The void has ears

I can’t protect myself and I can’t advance myself. I can’t control my feelings or the feelings of others. This is the great existential threat that I have been tirelessly toiling against since my teens, trying to control and predict my world so that I could be safe. Of course, I didn’t want to cut straight to the chase and leave the whole simulation I was born into and conditioned to run on. I didn’t think I could survive that level of intense confrontation.

I didn’t know Allaah, intrinsically.

He’s protected me from annihilation even in the midst of extreme distress and trauma. He’s advanced my understanding by quantum leaps despite me not being in a state of mind where I could devote myself to studying.

And now I’ve come to the precipice of my existential battlefield and though I have no proof of what lies beyond, or if something lies beyond this for that matter, I have an intuitive feeling to go for what magnetizes me and not fear the doubts that crop up because my departure and my safe landing is but a creation of Allaah’s.

وَقَالَ ٱرْكَبُوا۟ فِيهَا بِسْمِ ٱللَّهِ مَجْر۪ىٰهَا وَمُرْسَىٰهَآ إِنَّ رَبِّى لَغَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ

And he [Nuh] said: “Embark therein, in the Name of Allah will be its moving course and its resting anchorage. Surely, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”


Throw certainty to the wind

There is no place where those striving after consciousness could find absolute safety. Doubt and insecurity are indispensable components of a complete life. Only those who can lose this life really can gain it.

A complete life does not consist in a theoretical completeness, but in the fact that one accepts, without reservation, the particular fatal issue in which one finds oneself embedded, and that one tries to make sense of it or to create a cosmos from the chaotic mess into which one is born.

If one lives properly and completely, time and again one will be confronted with a situation of which one will say,

‘This is too much. I cannot bear it any more.’

Then the question must be answered,

‘Can one really not bear it? ʼ

— C. G. Jung Letters II, p. 171

Ramadan regressions {3}

What making du’aa does is that it frees you from the stalemate between the polarities that you’ve identified with, and in that surrender you are lifted above the battleground.

If you identify with a state of mind or a mood or outcome, that inevitably has a dark side, a yin. So you’ll forever be fighting and attempting to exclude the onslaught of the oscillating energy, the ebb.
But if you’re released from that, you inhabit your own natural rhythm where you’re not attached to any polarity or point.  Your focus is on being grounded in your consciousness where the moment flows in and out of.
So it’s not necessarily being detached, because there’s a resistance in identifying with detachment. You’re afraid of the disappointment of things floating away, so you may take to detachment as a way to bypass that.

It’s not about constructing a way to eliminate suffering or betrayal. You have to understand that inner peace isn’t a fluke, and suffering isn’t a flaw. They are both points on a spectrum measuring your well-being. Inner peace isn’t meant to make you comfortable, but to let you know when you’re aligned with yourself. And suffering comes about when you’re resisting pain, because you’re misconstruing what it’s teaching you. The reason why falls and failures are integral to life is because that’s how Allaah’s will is made manifest; through the contrast between what you perceive and the truth. Failure is simply when your perception has reached its end.

The ultimate goal of life is this: to be humble and reliant on the guidance of Allaah, and to be of  service​ to humanity by filtering everything through love.
What does that entail? It means that your intentions are rooted in truth and your efforts are directed towards a balanced interaction with the outside world.
So it’s not so much about being all positive, in fact if your supposed positivity is rooted in a nerdiness of validation or attachment to positivity, then you’re harming yourself by being inauthentic.


Doing good to others isn’t gauged by the arbitrary satisfaction of others, but by the transcendent truth. So you may criticize someone or in other ways do something that is seen as negative, but because it’s rooted in your authentic expression and fight against falsehood, it’ll inevitably have a good impact. Again, this is a process refined through mindful self-awareness and an openness to being proven wrong.

It’s a fluid process that forces you to be cognizant of your capacity to be false and evil, as well as bringing down the barriers we’ve erected to keep us safe.
When we internalize an incident ( usually negatively), we’re erecting a barrier.

When we identify with people based on how they make us feel, we’re erecting a barrier.

When we dismiss something out of hand because it doesn’t seem relative, we’re erecting a barrier.

We have to revise our world view if we categorize everything to “good vibes” and “bad vibes”.

Because how would you know a good vibe if the truth, your truth, makes you so uncomfortable that you run away from yourself? How reliable are your feelings if they are disconnected from your intuition?
When we’re disconnected from our intuition, we become blind and unable to navigate an increasingly complex world where so much is happening at once. To offset the anxiety, we barricade ourselves in, we look for “safe” people , which really means familiar even if familiar is toxic, and in general, cutting down the world to fit our limited scope of understanding.


The intuition is a tether that allows us to explore the universe in its vastness and the human experience in its depth because ultimately our trust doesn’t lie with what’s malleable and subject to change. Our trust is in our intuition, and that in turn is connected to Allaah who created everything seen and unseen, and Who alone can inform us of what is actually good for us in the long run.

حِيَ إِلَى نُوحٍ أَنَّهُ لَن يُؤْمِنَ مِن قَوْمِكَ إِلاَّ مَن قَدْ آمَنَ فَلاَ تَبْتَئِسْ بِمَا كَانُواْ يَفْعَلُونَ
And it was inspired to Nuh: “None of your people will believe except those who have believed already. So be not sad because of what they used to do.

وَاصْنَعِ الْفُلْكَ بِأَعْيُنِنَا وَوَحْيِنَا وَلاَ تُخَاطِبْنِي فِي الَّذِينَ ظَلَمُواْ إِنَّهُم مُّغْرَقُونَ
And construct the ship under Our Eyes and with Our Inspiration, and address Me not on behalf of those who did wrong; they are surely to be drowned.”

وَيَصْنَعُ الْفُلْكَ وَكُلَّمَا مَرَّ عَلَيْهِ مَلأٌ مِّن قَوْمِهِ سَخِرُواْ مِنْهُ قَالَ إِن تَسْخَرُواْ مِنَّا فَإِنَّا نَسْخَرُ مِنكُمْ كَمَا تَسْخَرُونَ
And as he was constructing the ship, whenever the chiefs of his people passed by him, they made a mockery of him. He said: “If you mock at us, so do we mock at you likewise for your mocking.

{Hud 11:36-38}

وَقَالَ ارْكَبُواْ فِيهَا بِسْمِ اللَّهِ مَجْرَاهَا وَمُرْسَاهَا إِنَّ رَبِّي لَغَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ
And he [Nuh] said: “Embark therein, in the Name of Allaah will be its moving course and its resting anchorage. Surely, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”



وَهِيَ تَجْرِي بِهِمْ فِي مَوْجٍ كَالْجِبَالِ وَنَادَى نُوحٌ ابْنَهُ وَكَانَ فِي مَعْزِلٍ يَا بُنَيَّ ارْكَب مَّعَنَا وَلاَ تَكُن مَّعَ الْكَافِرِينَ


So it (the ship) sailed with them amidst the waves like mountains, and Nuh called out to his son, who had separated himself (apart), “O my son! Embark with us and be not with the disbelievers.”

قَالَ سَآوِي إِلَى جَبَلٍ يَعْصِمُنِي مِنَ الْمَاء قَالَ لاَ عَاصِمَ الْيَوْمَ مِنْ أَمْرِ اللَّهِ إِلاَّ مَن رَّحِمَ وَحَالَ بَيْنَهُمَا الْمَوْجُ فَكَانَ مِنَ الْمُغْرَقِينَ
The son replied: “I will betake myself to a mountain, it will save me from the water.” Nuh said: “This day there is no saviour from the Decree of Allaah except him on whom He has mercy.” And a wave came in between them, so he (the son) was among the drowned.


{Hud 11:41-43}


To stand on a mountain top overlooking the world you have to carry your weight climbing.

From my window seat on a flight to the UK, 2015

It’s easier to be carried, to just show up and follow guidelines set down for you. It’s easier to work a 9-5 with a steady salary and no ambiguities, than to go at it alone as self-employed. It’s easier to choose a career path that’d give you financial security, than to pursue your passions for which there is no security. It’s easier to stick with your current circle of friends because you grew up with them or got to know them through school, than it is to branch off and befriend people selectively, risking long interludes of loneliness. It’s easier to marry the first good person you meet, than it is to risk valuable years holding off marriage until you meet the one (for whom there is no guarantee).

Trying to recreate your dreams and follow your intuition fetches a very high price: that you let go of conventional wisdom and the support of the majority. Your dreams, especially in the beginning stages, are unique to you and therefore alien to most people. You can’t be validated for something that the majority don’t even recognize. Going your own path involves many a dark night of the soul, crippling doubt and hopelessness. However, these initial difficulties, if you persevere through them, prepare you for the journey of your life. It’s not easy to birth something unique and new. It’s not easy to introduce something to society that will ruffle some feathers. It’s not easy to challenge the status quo. So before you achieve your goals, you have to evolve into someone strong enough to be able to carry those goals. This is the reason why self-actualization remains a mysterious dream for most. Between pursuing what is guaranteed and what’s nominally recognized, and betting your all on a void outside your comfort zone, well. Establishments are based on convincing people to abdicate their self-agency by offering to “take care” of their needs, in exchange of their obedience. Any power structure depends on siphoning individuality off the masses. It’s presented as this shameful path taken by ne’er-do-wellers and because belonging is such a crucial human need, this is more than enough of a deterrent for people to stave off whatever inner desires pulls them towards a similar path.

What kills dreams, what clouds inspiration, what makes ideas seem outlandish isn’t the trends and norms. It’s you. Your doubts drain your self-belief. Your cynicism poisons the well of hope. When you pay heed to others projection of negativity and insecurity on you, you let yourself know that others bs is more believable than your dreams. Your inability to protect your hope and dreams is like a bird mother building the babies nest too close to the ground where they can be reached by rowdy kids or predators. You have to put your back into it! You get back what you’ve invested. If you do things half-assedly don’t be disappointed when the outcome reflects your efforts.

You have to remove the armors you built to protect yourself disappointment and ‘I told you so’s . You have to be raw and vulnerable with yourself. You have to know and believe that you’re worth the risk, you’re worth walking away from everything that stifles you, you’re worth the most outrageous dreams. You can’t both nurture yourself and protect your fears.

Like I mentioned in the beginning, going at it alone means a whole lot of moving bits and responsibility. But if you can come to terms with the tedious work and taking full responsibility of your life, this also means that there is no cap to how far you can go with your ambition. Since no one has your back, no one can hold you back. So go on, scale the mountains while people are content tumbling down hills.

the waiting game 

»You’re being taught by Allaah

»Lessons are always streaming in

» You’re always on time. You can’t speed up or skip a lesson.

» You can only turn it down or let it in. Your progress is in accordance with how much you venture into the infinite space of the soul.

»Everything that you experience is transforming you into the person you were created to be. The person that you’ve been longing to become all your life.

» Your mind has no way of knowing how this chaos and confusion could culminate in anything good. Your mind is demanding reasons as to why it should trust intuition. Don’t listen to it. Let its nagging fall on deaf ears. Feel the fearful and negative energy that your mind is desperately trying to shield you from, thinking it’s danger. Know that it’s not danger. Know that those feelings that bubble up are old emotional blocks and that they are fleeting. Know that you’re stronger than any pain and you’re worth every bit of this tedious task of unfolding.

» Embrace the silence. Imagine that you’re an overworked mother who needs a break from her whiny 7 year old. Close the door on your mind and rest in the cavern of your consciousness.
»You have a lot of outrageously good dreams,and ideas that keep you up at night and wistful longings that sear into your gut. But, again, your mind. It doesn’t know the ‘how‘. It tries to talk you out of it. It’s not malicious, it’s just that it’s been guarding you all your life and leaving the nest is going to be less than seamless. A lot of the how exist in the unknown and to ensure that you keep the momentum going, you have to have faith. Faith is simply a trust in something that you don’t have proof for. Faith is being vulnerable with life.

»When you imagine having kids, do you ever think: how am I suppose to create a living breathing human who is a mix of me and my spouse’s genes? Is there a course for creating the brain, from scratch? The soul? The heart? How do you program the fetus so it knows that eviction date is at 9 months?

» Of course you don’t. That’s stuff you assume just happens because you take it for granted. But that shit is bonkers if you think about it! An complete snd complex human being with a personality and instincts hitting the ground running when a year ago they did not exist at all! We don’t think about that stuff. That’s the ‘how’ of life. The same ‘how’ that keeps you from your dreams. You were never supposed to do this on your own. You’re not meant to carry all that weight.

»The void between where you are and where you want to be is the incubation period where you transform into your dreams. Don’t abort your dreams.

{It’s going to be ok. Take a deep breath, and don’t be swept away. Don’t let a temporary wave drown everything you are and have endured.

You’re going to be ok.♥

square 2.0

i feel lost in the middle. I’ve torn down my false construct that my life was propped up on since i was 6, and I’ve burnt off the mask to reveal my vulnerable essence.
I thought it would be a lot different. I thought I’d jump into a hip and powerful reality energized by my true self. I didn’t think I’d end up in this grey area of … paradoxes in my closet. 
Of unsettling uncertainty. Of seemingly bottomless oceans within. Of unpredictable waves and winds that become storms and tsunamis. 
i feel uncomfortable in this stillness. I run around in circles just so i can feel like I’m heading somewhere. Who am i fooling. 
There is no escaping the fact that the only thing left of my real self are ruins. Landmarks. Bits and pieces that suggest a past. You’d be forgiven for failing to see the traces of existence. 
I’ll sit here and listen to the deafening wails and feel the whipping winds that have been locked up in the shadows for decades,  on my raw skin. To allow is to suffer.
I’m paying for my emancipation. 

Exiled to freedom

I was born into a cold world in which I didn’t belong, nor would I ever do so. I was destroyed for my innate anomaly . Every attempt I made at fitting in was thwarted and the world demanded I hand over my soul if I wished to belong.And when I was unable to do so, I was sent away to the precipice of life; doomed to live out my days in uncertainty and fear.

It was there that I discovered a group of wanderers who, just like me, had been exiled for not fitting in and they taught me to not fear this new world.

“But what if I fall?” I asked, horrified. The abyss below was dark and bottomless. My legs tingled at the thought of slipping.

“You’ll soon discover your wings, and when you do, you’ll throw yourself off the edge to soar, to explore.” they nonchalantly replied, in unison. I could tell that they had explored the abyss many times, and I knew that I was in the right company.


‘Freedom’ by Melissa Chan


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