So it follows..

Being present with this pain feels like having meaning tattooed on my soul. This pain aint in vain, it flows in my veins, piercing out through the soles of my feet. I won’t accept defeat.

The only way out is a new way inwards

The truth is the Achilles heel of all evil and they/it has no power whatsoever to push truth back. The ONLY power, I repeat, the ONLY power evil has is distraction. Our pain, fears, doubts, insecurities, latent triggers, paranoia etc., get stoked and used against us whenever we get close to the truth.

It’s just a ruse. Reclaim the power of your focus and learn to do it now because it’s too late to start training your horse right before a race. Things are building up rn in an unprecedented way. I just watched this video from Truthstream media which is one of extremely select few sources of alternative news I actually trust and they aren’t alarmists or fear mongerers but the high-level political events in Europe this week had them very worried because nothing like this has happened in at least a couple of decades.

And it had me thinking what my vantage point is when obviously I’m unaware of what goes on behind the scenes yet I don’t like to be a victim to circumstances, especially corrupt ones. So I made ducaa (meditating prayer) and asked Allaah to reveal to me the truth in this maze of confusion and what I can do to keep away from the melee.

I kept lazy surfing the net when I started feeling myself becoming detached from my body and this moment, sorta like when your foot falls asleep but mentally. And then I felt the fears growing that I’d have an anxiety attack or a flashback that’d ruin my chances of sleep and would sweep me away. It felt like I was headed for a waterfall and meanwhile I can’t stop going through meaningless stuff, in a mind-numbing way. I then had an intuition that told me to close my eyes and take a deep breath. At the same time I was having thoughts that were deterring me from that saying it’s only going to slow me down in my escape from whatever is brewing inside me. It felt futile. But I did it anyway and all of a sudden the momentum of whatever storm was brewing dissipated. I was stunned and went back to whatever I was doing. Shortly after same thing happens, I feel the current gathering speed and the fears kick in. I repeat the grounding exercise. Poof.
All of a sudden the numbness that came over me released and I felt connected to my body again. I had clarity and my will was unclogged. I identified some things I had put off that was bothering me so I got up to do the brief tasks and as I was doing them I was amazed at what had happened. And it was then that I had intuitive downloads come in answering the ducaas I had made earlier. It was a rapid breakdown of the nature and structure of what’s happening and what to do about it and the gist of it is as I outlined in the beginning.

It was also explained to me what that grounding exercise was. Whenever any past emotions or strong memories came up I’d get identified with it as if it was something that was happening now. My brain would engage with it as if it’s a current problem and that’s the feeling of being swept away that I’d feel. This misunderstanding created a huge disconnect between me and my physical reality because I wasn’t letting the emotions that would organically resurface because they were ready to be released (which is a good thing) go.

When I’d close my eyes and take a deep breath, that would prompt my brain to breakaway from the hold of the past and create new neural pathways to a new reality where the pain isn’t relevant or connected.

To me, this is a huge shift because I always thought that I had to fix and analyze and heal whatever came up but actually the only reason why the past was relevant till now wasn’t because my healing depended on it but because I was learning from it. I needed to integrate the wisdom contained in it which was the whole reason why I had to go (and grow) through everything I did. Healing is not the fixing of pain but the rerouting of the mind away from the old trajectory. It’s to choose new responses to the old stimuli. It’s to change your number basically. And this ties in to the ducaa I made about wanting to know the truth about the sinister doings that may impact me: if I continue to make choices that are committed to my truth and the harmony of humanity I am creating pathways that not only steers me clear off the path of evil but would be a much needed sanctuary for others AND evil can never ever find it. Ever. It’s like Wakanda 😁. Evil never walks on the straight and narrow (open). It depends on discontinuity, ambiguity and discord. It can’t step to the light, ever. But God can’t protect you from behind enemy lines. You have to find the path of clarity and consciousness WITHIN you. Though people may bombard you figuratively or literally, they can’t take away your soul and the interpretations you create about what happens. Your focus is your soul in the form of a laser beam. Don’t feed it to your lower instincts.

Mulki the friendly ghost

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You know, it’s very difficult, VERY, difficult when sharing an online space like Tumblr or Twitter and people hold you to stringent expectations regarding the LGBTQ community. Let me explain.
I’m doing my best to overcome whatever resistance or indifference I have towards the causes and injustices suffered by marginalized groups, specifically in this context the LGBTQ community. I know that the onus is on me but it comes with a lot of growing pains that aren’t afforded space.
I feel that I have to espouse the values of the LGBTQ community and not doing so entirely or readily makes me less worthy of respect. All the while I’m expected to clear up ‘controversial’ facts about Islaam that may clash with those values or make non-Muslims uncomfortable.

 

The reason why it’s such a taxing task is that I am already buried in layers of trauma and oppression that is invisible to most. I’m a black Muslim woman and as such I’m affected by the pushback and marginalization of the majority on several levels, often simultaneously.

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a loving re:minder 

​People don’t have to get your struggle for you to fully heal. Only you can fully experience and know what it is you’re feeling and struggling with. Whilst it’s human to want to be acknowledged and want to be understood, don’t undermine your strength and worth by making your journey (or parts of it)  dependent on others. People don’t have to approve or validate what you do, and most probably won’t. Because they aren’t your parents, and you’re not a small child no more. I don’t say this in a harsh manner where I’m berating you for feeling what you are feeling. I don’t believe in invalidating others experiences, in whatever form. But I want to make a distinction between allowing yourself to feel whatever range of emotions that come up – be it rage, envy, sadness, embarrassment. And identifying yourself with that stream of pain that is being released from your subconscious or body ( because a lot of emotional pain embeds itself in the body and often manifests itself in the form of some illness or ache), to the point where you feel helpless. 
When you feel that you need others to hear you or understand you or validate you – you’re implying that you feel less than. You’re saying about yourself, to yourself: “I’m weak and I can’t handle shit. I’m a failure and I can’t trust my intuition or thoughts. I need others to give me the green light before I can feel ok.”
And this becomes really problematic, not only for you but for those who might be pressured with such a mammoth task ( one you yourself gave up on). Pain is subjective and can’t be quantified. You’re the only one who experience what you are, and the only person who can truly understand your struggle. Pain isn’t some random affliction; it’s a most intimate one. It’s a soul and mind state of emergency because you’ve lost yourself in the outer world and forgotten about your inner. The pain is just an alarm, like a smoke signal to draw your attention to the real problem. Being hung up on the superficiality of who will validate you or who misunderstood you is like complaining about the loud noise  the smoke signal makes while your house is burning down with you in it!
I feel many people get stuck at the initial stage of facing and accepting the pain. They, including me, get so caught up in the causation and who did what, and neglect the responsibility they have towards themselves. Being a victim where you absolve yourself of responsibility might allow you to curl up like a ball and just sleep your life away, but it also robs you of your sense of aliveness.  
I’m not saying that you can’t feel helpless or like a victim. You absolutely can. But at the same time, keep in mind that after you’ve released what you need to release and after you’ve mourned and grieved – the journey continues.
When you don’t scapegoat others, you get to own your narrative. You get to decide what the new chapters are going to be about and most importantly, you’ll be emancipated from your past.

A journey of unbecoming

Your real, authentic self is not someone you strive to become, rather it’s someone you already are. Just like you were born with the potential intelligence,eye colour,height, genetic dispositions to certain disorders, innate to your physical body, so were you born a complete soul with its personality. However, just as the phenotypes and genotypes can be hampered or distorted by a non-conducive environment that stifles development, so can one’s true self be repressed by facades and defensive mechanisms.

As children, we respond differently to similar stimuli, according to our inherent makeup. Exposed to emotional or physical trauma, some children may grow up to inflict on others the trauma they were subjected to while other children may live in a state of perpetual fear and helplessness.

Because our minds and personalities aren’t fully formed until the age of 25, the brain protects itself against overwhelming pain by shutting down or any of the myriad of defensive mechanisms there are. It’s a matter of survival and maintaining sanity.

However,most people never get around to address those repressed traumas and wounds and they live out their lives in the shadow of their childhood. They remain unconscious and everything they do is subconscious.

Digging up the skeletons of the past may seem like a highly counterproductive exercise; after all, shouldn’t we let bygones be bygones?

That’s a common misunderstanding that operates on the assumption that out of sight means out of mind. That because we’ve forgotten a painful incident, it’s out of our system. But emotions are energy, and energy doesn’t just disappear unless redirected. We might think that because we’re not aware of the effects an incident had on us, that we’re ok, completely disregarding the fact that we’re burdened by negative thought loops and self-sabotaging mindsets as a direct result of unprocessed conflicts and traumas.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” 

— C.G. Jung

To live you must die

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I watched an interview with Common who won the 2015 Academy Award for Best Original Song for the song Glory as he recounted some memorable moments in shooting the movie Selma which centres on the civil rights movement, spearheaded by Dr. King and he mentioned that Ambassador Andrew Young spoke to the actors on the first day of rehearsal. Young made a potent statement that jolted Common awake; said Young; ‘Their [ civil rights activist ] philosophy was; What are you willing to die for? Live for that.’  Common continues; . “These people were willing to die for freedom and voting rights, so they lived for that. Each day was put to that.”

 

It shocked me, the way it did Common and it made me re-think my life; what was I willing to die for? Did I even have anything I was willing to die for? The answer I found sent shivers down my spine.

I was willing to die for comfort. I am willing to die for being sheltered from pain and fears. And surely, my life reflects that.

Death is the ultimate fear. Life is the ultimate sacrifice. So these are the parameters that I have to contend with in defining my life. I let past tragedies and traumas distort those parameters and I did die; I sacrificed my life to fear, begging it to leave me alone. In turn, my passion, the fire of my soul, died down.

Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.
= Benjamin Franklin=

Indeed, I let a life of safety and comfort fool me into thinking that because the pain was now dull and not sharp, as it had been before , that it was absent. But it simply slowed down a notch or two, and it was eating away at me whilst I did nothing.

It takes courage…to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.
= Marianne Williamson =

When I want to face something I’m really scared of like telling someone a painful truth or being vulnerable with another, I ask myself what the worst thing that could happen was, and I prepare to face that worst-case scenario. The fear immediately vanishes in the absence of doubt.

Perhaps I should extend that to the bigger obstacles I face and try so hard to avoid; what’s the worst that pain can do to me? What’s the worst missing out on something I desire could do to me? What’s the worst the boogeyman in the closet can do to me? 😛

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
= Eleanor Roosevelt =

Venez m’aider!Maelstrom of emotions.

I had a very traumatic episode this morning that revealed a big part of me that I’ve never noticed before. I had to take 2 Atarax pills before I could sit down to write this post, because I was still reeling from said trauma. Let me elaborate.

I’ve always had a vague sense that I was a creature of routine and systems, as an INFJ and a highly sensitive person (HSP). But it wasn’t something I could put into words or explain, it was just something I felt. Before I became comfortable in my own skin and learnt how to assert and defend my boundaries, my life was a complete mess ( more about that here). People couldn’t understand my feelings, heck I couldn’t even understand them, so my perfectionists tendencies coupled with my aversion for conflict had a disastrous effect on my mental and physical health. I was constantly agitated,anxious,sick,drained- I was numb and had to shut down to survive.

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