I’m *not* in denial, You are!

I hate solitude and I fear intimacy. For a long time I couldn’t figure out the reason behind this apparent oxymoron. Imagine my heart being a haunted house; I’m scared of the evil that lurks behind doors and under stairs, so I need to make a lot of clamour and noise to drown this fear. To make myself forget this fear. I invite people over,but I tell them we can’t move past the kitchen. I don’t want them to go to the scary nooks and crannies that I invited them to avoid in the first place. But it gets tricky because I can’t really tell them that I’m scared of my own house, right? And what do I tell them when they want a house tour? Perhaps go to the bathroom? Or worse; sleep over??

Now I’m really in a tough position, between a scary and an awkward place. I start becoming agitated because they are defeating the purpose of their visit! Their purpos–

Ah yes… I didn’t think that one through, the purpose thingy. It’s not manipulation, is it? Nah, I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t say that because ,you know, I mean, I like these people, it’s not like I don’t. I just don’t want to go to certain places of my house. I don’t want them to leave either, because, you know, I’d feel guilty for having made them uncomfortable? Yeah, no, you see it’s nothing like manipulation! What’s that?Oh, yeah I did invite them because initially I was scared, but still, they don’t know that right? 😐

Urgh. I’m not getting away with this, am I? I feel so rotten. All these complications because of those darn things that lurk everywhere! You know what, I got it! 💡The problem is this house, so if I move- problem solved! Duh! Why didn’t I think about this earlier? Haha.

My fear? My fear isn’t the issue, I mean I’m scared because it’s haunted, you know? 😕 I mean, I’m not a scaredy-cat or anything. Last house I lived in before this one was in a bad neighbourhood, like bad bad. Killers and rapist roaming the streets at night, you know? Yeah, scary stuff. I didn’t really encounter any, but, you know, I’d hear dudes making noise at 2 am down the street. They sure were up to something.

No, no, I’m really not speculating. The world’s a creepy place, you know? So yeah. I’ll call up the real estate guy first thing in the morning. Gotto find a safe place, remote but not too remote. Big, nice house. Mm, not too big, I mean that’d be creepy. And not too nice, I wouldn’t want to attract robbers, you know? Seeing I live by myself and all. Oh, I’ll have to make new friends now! Aww… :(. Will miss the ones I have. But oh well. Such is life right?

Do I keep in touch with old neighbours? Naah, not really. What’s the point? I mean, we aren’t neighbours anymore, and I always find new ones. I’m too busy to keep in touch.

Huh?I what?What the…!? I am NOT! I’m not using them! Gosh! Geez. What’s with the wild allegations? No, that’s not it. I mean, they don’t keep in touch with me either. Urgh, why are you trying to insinuate that I’m shallow? Why are you making this about me? Why can’t you just believe me ?

Fearful- you say I’m fearful? I am not, mister. Really? Fearful? My goodness. And how does that make me shallow?

Oh, so now I | i m a g i n e |danger huh? Who do you think I am? A lunatic? C’mon! No, that’s not it. There’s an explanation for it all. You know what? I don’t need this bullshitting in my life. You are constantly in my ear, doubting everything I say and tryna confuse me with that psychobabble. You know what Dr. Phil – take your armchair elsewhere. I’m done with you.  😡

* Mental note: intuition.

 

Fork in the road

fork in the road

I was clueless. In my zealousness to discover myself, I thought the rush of enthusiasm and euphoria was self discovery. Alas!When the highs of these pretty emotions dissipated, my burning drive died down to a barely there flicker and my determination became a vague memory. I couldn’t see where this road took me, I couldn’t see anything at all. So, I placed one foot after the other, occasionally stopping dead in my tracks when my mind would play eerie tricks of the past on me.

Every now and then, I’d find a fork in the road and a lone traveller traversing his path. We’d get acquainted and let stories temporarily blur the stark loneliness for a moment. For a moment I think this is self discovery. Alas! As the painful reality dawns upon me, I realize that in my ingenuousness  I followed this traveller to whither he can’t take me. He continued on his journey, and I stood there confused. It wasn’t my journey. What was my journey again? Where- I turn around and try to find familiarity in my surrounding. Where is my path?

I lost my path when I tried to converge mine into his. I reluctantly accept that my path will forever run parallel and won’t at any point join up with another. Indignantly, I remind myself that I must not let fantasies get in the way of being honest with myself.

Token of lessons lie with the traveller at the fork in the road,which is why the two paths temporarily meet before continuing on their journey. Maybe they can’t converge, but surely they can accompany one another, running parallel to one another?Surely, we can take the fork in the road with us?

I’m rather cagey

I’ve noticed the incessant urge people have to label me, to label anyone really. It’s as if the words they assign me would contain me and tame me, perhaps reduce their fear of the unknown.

-terrorist

-nerd

-the eccentric one

Every label has some hue to it. I’m painted with it even before an introduction and for a long while I felt trapped by these brands. I felt the need to be placed in the ‘right’ category. Appease,please,compromise. I bent over backwards to squeeze myself into a fanciful label.

Two years ago I underwent an extensive Maskectomy. Now for the scientifically challenged, maskectomy is the removal of one’s mask which was invented by yours truly 🙂 . Instead of trying to pigeon-hole myself, I embraced all the different sides of me – the weird,the weirder, the good.

 

That’s when I realized – the labels that people assign me have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. Those who peer behind their self-imposed labels,boxes and masks . The labelling is for their convenience, because they can’t be without a label and thus can’t see without one. It threatens their very existence.

Now, my staunch rebellion scares them. When they realize I’m a label-less one, they scurry off to their hiding places. Which I’m cool with ,by the way. Because I like staying out after midnight. I like the blanket of darkness that covers me as I lay down in the grass, stargazing. I don’t mind the grass stains on my black jilbaab , and my loyal Vans are made for mud.If you want to hang, I’m cool with that too. But please, remain quiet and listen intently. Haven’t you been told that it’s rude to talk while the stars are telling their stories?

 

 

😉

Learn How to Live: Lesson 4

How to Be Yourself 101

An introductory course on  living

#4

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” – J.R.R. Tolkien

The missing pieces of your heart are found on the other side of your deep-seated fears. No matter how long you spend seeking tranquillity in comfort zones, there’s no compromising this truth. Accept this.

 

Learn How to Live: Lesson 3

How to Be Yourself 101

An introductory course on  living

#3

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” Oscar Wilde

The grim reality of life is that from the moment of birth, we embarked on a journey towards the tomb. You did not choose to live and you don’t choose to die, but the choices in between is what defines you as an individual. You could choose to ignore this fact and conform to unconscientious basic survival by spending your life building someone else’s empire to pay your rent. Or you could actually just  live. Live as if you are the only inhabitant of this world, because you are. You are the only inhabitant of your world.

 

Learn How to Live: Lesson 2

How to Be Yourself 101

An introductory course on  living

#2

Because you are positively affected by praise, you are also negatively affected by criticism. The moment you let someone else’s actions dictate your emotional state, they become your master and you, their unwitting slave.

 

 

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