On the train back to Sweden. If there’s one thing that I can take away from these past 3 enlightening and unfolding weeks is that although I can’t predict or prevent the adversities coming my way, I can always ask and seek a way through everything. And I’ve come to learn that what caused me the most suffering and a feeling of suffocation that made suicide seem like an easier decision is being stuck and not knowing which way is up or down. So the next best thing I could do is try to avoid any and everything that was remotely foggy or convoluted. I’d keep out of the unknown that housed the bulk of my potential and passion, because I didn’t have an existential contingency to fall back on.
It’s easy to say, just put your trust in Allaah when you have not been taken to the edge of rationale and the structure of everything you knew. A place where the mind can no longer rely on mental devices or intellectualizations of the divine. It’s a plunge into the darkness, the sleeping divine feminine, the black light, the place where inspiration is born and the false can’t hold up.
And it’s by repeatedly taking those quantum leaps into what my body detected as death, making it writhe in the most severe mental and physical agony that I didn’t think would ever end, that I came to know Allaah because He’d catch me where there was absolutely nothing before. He’d respond to me in the absolute silence. He’d protect me as violent winds of anxiety whipped my face.
I had to lose everything I’ve come to rely on or turn to so that I can truly know Allaah. So that I wouldn’t doubt the miracles or chalk it up to circumstantial oddities. I quite literally lost my mind over and over again and just as I was sure I was going to be sucked into some existential vortex that’d make me explode into smithereens, I found a silent strength that always was there but hidden by the projections of the ego into the abyss.