Surrender convention

Dikr is meditation that not only takes you out of the mental space but into your heart space. Its effect is instantaneous because encapsulated in the prophetic phrases is a space in which you can completely let go of the hypervigilance of being in a 3D world focused on survival, danger and scarcity. It allows you to become vulnerable without feeling threatened and to inhabit the unknown deep in you without feeling lost.

Dikr is feminine energy ; it’s Being, stillness, silencing thoughts, transcending ego, awareness, intuition, but above all LOVE.

One example :

لا إِلَهَ إِلا اللَّهُ وَحْدَهُ لا شَرِيكَ لَهُ لَهُ الْمُلْكُ وَلَهُ الْحَمْدُ وَهُوَ عَلَى كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ

There is no true deity but Allaah alone, no partners has He. His is all sovereignty and praise, and He is over all things potent

The heart longs to surrender and we often surrender it to our minds which confines and suffocates and treat it very harshly. Only Allaah has the abundance and transcends all limitations to give us the true confidence to let go of control. By reiterating this, we recalibrate ourselves to the divine reality and take back the balance from a hectic and frantic outer reality that can obscure the possibility of anything else.

It is by reminding ourselves of our humanity that we can receive the divine. But for as long as we’re frantically trying to conquer this space of surrender by constant doing and being overly steeped in masculine energy that overwhelms us, we are incapable of receiving harmony and love no matter how much we think we want it. The underlying identification with perfectionism and outcomes has with it a deep fear of losing yourself if you slow down.

فَلَمَّا جَآءَتْ قِيلَ أَهَٰكَذَا عَرْشُكِ قَالَتْ كَأَنَّهُۥ هُوَ وَأُوتِينَا ٱلْعِلْمَ مِن قَبْلِهَا وَكُنَّا مُسْلِمِينَ

So when she arrived, it was said [to her], “Is your throne like this?” She said, “[It is] as though it was it.” [Solomon said], “And we were given knowledge before her, and we have been Muslims [in submission to Allah]

وَصَدَّهَا مَا كَانَت تَّعْبُدُ مِن دُونِ ٱللَّهِ إِنَّهَا كَانَتْ مِن قَوْمٍ كَٰفِرِينَ

And that which she was worshipping other than Allah had averted her [from submission to Him]. Indeed, she was from a disbelieving people.

قِيلَ لَهَا ٱدْخُلِى ٱلصَّرْحَ فَلَمَّا رَأَتْهُ حَسِبَتْهُ لُجَّةً وَكَشَفَتْ عَن سَاقَيْهَا قَالَ إِنَّهُۥ صَرْحٌ مُّمَرَّدٌ مِّن قَوَارِيرَ قَالَتْ رَبِّ إِنِّى ظَلَمْتُ نَفْسِى وَأَسْلَمْتُ مَعَ سُلَيْمَٰنَ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ ٱلْعَٰلَمِينَ

It was said to her: “Enter As-Sarh” [(a glass surface with water underneath it) or a palace], but when she saw it, she thought it was a pool, and she (tucked up her clothes) uncovering her legs, Sulaiman (Solomon) said: “Verily, it is Sarh [(a glass surface with water underneath it) or a palace] paved smooth with slab of glass.” She said: “My Lord! Verily, I have wronged myself, and I submit (in Islam, together with Sulaiman (Solomon), to Allah, the Lord of the ‘Alamin (mankind, jinns and all that exists).”


Though she was very astute and intelligent, she had let her position and possessions and abilities cloud her from the inner space that would give her the right awareness. It wasn’t until she was met with something that exceeded far beyond any worldly structure that she decided to look inwardly. She had to reach a point where her thoughts and thinking ability gave out on her for her to tap into an inner knowing that has a far deeper and wider scope of perception than the mind can ever have.

And this is why I believe that as women, constantly being in positions that demand masculine energy is extremely detrimental to our well-being and it depletes our inner power. But that’s for another post.

Finding God in the expanse

To be able to see reality for what it is, no matter how grim, gives me so much relief because I realized that it wasn’t what I was feeling or seeing that was causing me so much distress and pain, it was the resistance I had to experiencing it. That’s what I drove me into the ground. Of course the resistance ironically came to be because I feared being stuck if I acknowledged reality.

Learn to fall apart

There’s a part of us that’s intrinsically depressed, as in sunken, like a valley or a void. That’s the part of us that shows us that we aren’t the divine, and it’s through that space that we become connected to the divine without identifying with the divine. And it’s a bit tricky because the ego detects this as an emptiness and a lack and it tries to fill it up. But of course that only suffocates the soul. The void manifests as different things from different angels ; seeking the truth it can seem like doubt, or expressing the truth it can feel like guilt. Seeking love it can seem like fear, and expressing love it can feel like shame.

It’s a sacred space that can only be understood when you view yourself holistically, and not in fragmented pieces. When you understand that you were perfectly created imperfect and that being human isn’t something to be ashamed of, you can relax into that space. Although it’s a void it’s not empty. It’s full, abundant. It’s a resting place, a retreat. Yin, the withdrawal of energy. Winter. Hibernation. It’s where you can fall apart and the divine will put you back together, always. But we’re so alienated from nature and instinctual way of being that we’ve lost touch. And we just run, run, run with no respite or break. So we run ourselves into the ground, become extremely limited, break down, burn out, become cynical and paranoid. Suicidal. Homicidal.

We use weekends and the nights to rest our bodies but how can the body rest when the spirit is chronically distressed?

Getting into that cosmic rhythm requires deep listening to yourself, self-work and most importantly being humble and vulnerable with God. If you act like everything is fine then you set up a barrier to the divine that pushes away help that would be available to you. You must first sit in the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear. And trust that life and love and direction can’t be exhausted because it’s eternal, from the Eternal. The One who doesn’t tire, who doesn’t need anyone or anything.

Ramadan regressions {2}

​There are two types of strength: rigidity and tenderness

Rigidity is the absence of life force, suspension of the movable elements within. E.g. stoicism, repression, or even rigor mortis ( stiffness that sets in some hours after death). It’s strength insofar as it prevents anything to penetrate it or change it.

A second​ type of strength is a tenderness that follows from a healed brokenness, akin to a pliable stick that doesn’t resist the pressure that attempts to break it.

This second type is the only one that can support life. It’s a strength of the depths, not the surface. A strength in allowing, not resisting. A strength in receiving, not defending against. It’s vulnerability that carries with it the very real risk of being stomped upon, treated like a fool. But you risk it not because you’re seeking the thrill of the outcome, but because you’re seeking the rejuvenation of expressing your spirit. And you can’t express yourself fully if you’re constantly checking for signs of danger.

It’s a strength in being your own planet, going according to your rhythms and cycles despite whatever storms or debris come your way. You accept it. The debris will only open you up to deeper dimensions of yourself.

Depth can’t be reached except by breaking the surface, and while that feels like it weakens you, you must trust that the truth can’t be weakened. Who you really are can never be threatened. So let go of everything that collapses under your truth, and let yourself be dissolved in the ocean of divine love. When you trust in a universal support by Allaah, you won’t have to stand guard. Fall apart. Everytime you fall, you fall into a new dimension. Rock bottom is only found in graves.

ثُمَّ قَسَتْ قُلُوبُكُمْ مِنْ بَعْدِ ذَلِكَ فَهِيَ كَالْحِجَارَةِ أَوْ أَشَدُّ قَسْوَة وَإِنَّ مِنَ الْحِجَارَةِ لَمَا يَتَفَجَّرُ مِنْهُ الْأَنْهَارُ وَإِنَّ مِنْهَا لَمَا يَشَّقَّقُ فَيَخْرُجُ مِنْهُ الْمَا وإِنَّ مِنْهَا لَمَا يَهْبِطُ مِنْ خَشْيَةِ اللَّهِ وَمَا اللَّهُ بِغَافِلٍ عَمَّا تَعْمَلُونَ

 Then, after that, your hearts were hardened and became as stones or even worse in hardness. And indeed, there are stones out of which rivers gush forth, and indeed, there are of them (stones) which split asunder so that water flows from them, and indeed, there are of them (stones) which fall down for fear of Allaah. And Allaah is not unaware of what you do.

[Al-Baqarah 2:74]

ramadan regressions {1}

I feel exposed by Ramadan. There’s a naked energy that envelopes one. No hiding places. I’m not fasting , due to medical reasons, but even so I can’t escape the intense energy that is causing repressed emotions to come up to the surface. As if gravity is no more.

I feel bad when I see everyone being joyous and congratulating each other on the advent of Ramadan because I don’t feel that at all.

But I recognize it’s a good thing, being faced with myself like this. Focus. It’s painful but I’ll be using this month to tread on painful ground. I’ll let it cut me, deep. Perhaps that’s the only way the pockets of buried trauma can find a release.

I’m afraid of being engulfed by these emotions, as if they are pissed for having been shoved aside for so long that they won’t let go of me, ever.

I’m afraid of being locked in a lifelong purgatory, inside my emotions.

I feel claustrophobic in my soul.


The first thing that happened to the prophet -peace be upon him- wasn’t that he was told about Allaah or what his mission was going to be. He was made to be vulnerable by being told the guidance he was searching for lay in the one thing he was unable of doing: reading.

He felt broken, hopeless, stuck. But, the purpose wasn’t to make him read. It was to eradicate the notion that ability depends on one’s competence. His certainty was knocked off because that’s an impediment to transformation. His mental map of reality was wiped clean. He was ousted from his comfort zone. He was thrown into the bottomless pit that is the unknown, head first.
He was torn up, for days. His wife, Khadija was his rock. She picked his spirits up and reassured him that this was a good thing. That he was a good soul who wouldn’t fare ill.

Allaah was effectively telling him; impossibility would be the creation of you, humans, thus possibility is only a matter of bringing something into existence. Trust Me, and I’ll bring miracles into existence through you.

× And they say: “When we are bones and fragments (destroyed), should we really be resurrected (to be) a new creation?”
See they not how Allâh originates creation, then repeats it. Verily, that is Easy for Allaah.

× Say (O Muhammad) “Be you stones or iron,”

× “Or some created thing that is yet greater (or harder) in your breasts (thoughts to be resurrected, even then you shall be resurrected)” Then, they will say: “Who shall bring us back (to life)?” Say: “He Who created you first!” Then, they will shake their heads at you and say: “When will that be ?” Say: “Perhaps it is near!”

(Al-Isra 17:49-51)

co-creation: opening up to the unknown and letting Allaah work through you.


مَا أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةٍ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَلَا فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ إِلَّا فِي كِتَابٍ مِّن قَبْلِ أَن نَّبْرَأَهَا إِنَّ ذَلِكَ عَلَى اللَّهِ يَسِيرٌ
لِكَيْلَا تَأْسَوْا عَلَى مَا فَاتَكُمْ وَلَا تَفْرَحُوا بِمَا آتَاكُمْ وَاللَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخْتَالٍ فَخُورٍ

¤No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourselves but is inscribed in the Book of Decrees, before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allaah.
¤In order that you may not be sad over matters that you fail to get, nor rejoice because of that which has been given to you. And Allaah likes not prideful boasters.

Al-Hadid [57: 22-23]
These verses mention three things: the events that occur, the goals we seek and our failures.So, nothing happens chaotically, it’s all measured. The unknown isn’t an enemy or a maelstrom of suffering.

If we fail to get what we aimed for, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up about it because it might be that our efforts culminated in something different from what we envisioned. We did our part, and the outcome was never ours to claim. If we get it, it’s a gift we’re grateful for. If not, it’s a sobering moment to think about all the other times things have manifested effortlessly that we’ve taken for granted?

and if we do get what we want, we shouldn’t feel entitled as if we achieved that by our own measures and therefore identify ourselves with outcomes. This would impede our growth, and it’s why sometimes we fail to achieve what we strive for; to detach us from a fixed mindset.

We’re being taught to surrender to the divine order, and trust that although we can’t avert pain or attain all that our heart desires​, we’re well taken care of. The plans put in place are perfect. If they weren’t, it’d affect the rest of the universe since it’s all interconnected, and a change in one part has a ripple effect on everything else.


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