Feels and needles

A strange discovery : when I feel anxious it’s not the feeling that’s the anxiety, it’s just an impression of the anxiety in my mind. To put it another way, feeling the pain of being pricked with a needle doesn’t mean actual needles penetrate the skin, flows through the blood and into the brain.

It’s such an odd discovery and it’s taking me longer than usual to make the differentiation because for all my life I was under the impression that my feelings were the needles. To think that my feelings are neutral and that it’s possible to detach from focusing on the pain is like I’m being told the sky is red and not blue.

You see, I’ve created an entire life around the belief that my sensitivity is why I seem to suffer more than those who aren’t as sensitive. Naturally, I thought if I could be impervious to my feelings and dissociate from them then the pain would stop yes? Through sour experiences I learnt that the pain was signaling to me that I’m not in the right place or space and turning that warning signal off made me vulnerable and susceptible to manipulation and injury by those lacking empathy and conscience. It put me at the mercy of those with no mercy.

Get lost, good riddance

I don’t take breaks from being me
I won’t
I’ll express the gamut of my emotions and thoughts
If my words bother you
If my voice pains your ears
If my stretchmarks my scars my hyper pigmentation displease your eyes
If my emotional hypersensitivity is nuisance to your mind
Honey, let me show you to the door
I’ve struggled way too hard
Endured too much pain
Cut off too many toxic people
Worked too damn fucking hard
At finding and being me
At keeping me when it’d be so much easier to just let go and drift away with the stream —

For you to waltz in, expecting me to fast forward my ‘boring’ parts, my ‘ugly’ parts, my ’emotional’ parts

It’s easier to lose *you* darling
Than to lose myself

pain as pleasure

“This, then, is the human problem: there is a price to be paid for every increase in consciousness. We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain. By remembering the past we can plan for the future. But the ability to plan for the future is offset by the “ability” to dread pain and to fear of the unknown. Furthermore, the growth of an acute sense of the past and future gives us a corresponding dim sense of the present. In other words, we seem to reach a point where the advantages of being conscious are outweighed by its disadvantages, where extreme sensitivity makes us unadaptable.”

Alan Wilson Watts

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