Touché, douche

How do you know it’ll come true? What if it never does actualize, after all this time of you holding your heart open to something? Haha, your feelings are so fickle

the cunning voice whispered, taunting me with things to poke hole in my heart’s truth. Its been the recycled rhetoric to keep my passion in check and to deflate my drive. How am I to prove something before I even have a chance to let it sink in?

Tonight I broke free by retorting

Regardless of outcome, I know what I feel in my heart and what resonates with me and I don’t need it to manifest before my eyes for me to know what’s real. This is the reality of my heart and what happens henceforth I leave to Allaah with the hope that it will manifest in my physical reality. I don’t have control over outcomes or the fate I encounter on the paths I choose. That is in the realm of Allaah which I will not overstep, and I trust His wisdom and discernment.

self-conformity

To stand on a mountain top overlooking the world you have to carry your weight climbing.

From my window seat on a flight to the UK, 2015

It’s easier to be carried, to just show up and follow guidelines set down for you. It’s easier to work a 9-5 with a steady salary and no ambiguities, than to go at it alone as self-employed. It’s easier to choose a career path that’d give you financial security, than to pursue your passions for which there is no security. It’s easier to stick with your current circle of friends because you grew up with them or got to know them through school, than it is to branch off and befriend people selectively, risking long interludes of loneliness. It’s easier to marry the first good person you meet, than it is to risk valuable years holding off marriage until you meet the one (for whom there is no guarantee).

Trying to recreate your dreams and follow your intuition fetches a very high price: that you let go of conventional wisdom and the support of the majority. Your dreams, especially in the beginning stages, are unique to you and therefore alien to most people. You can’t be validated for something that the majority don’t even recognize. Going your own path involves many a dark night of the soul, crippling doubt and hopelessness. However, these initial difficulties, if you persevere through them, prepare you for the journey of your life. It’s not easy to birth something unique and new. It’s not easy to introduce something to society that will ruffle some feathers. It’s not easy to challenge the status quo. So before you achieve your goals, you have to evolve into someone strong enough to be able to carry those goals. This is the reason why self-actualization remains a mysterious dream for most. Between pursuing what is guaranteed and what’s nominally recognized, and betting your all on a void outside your comfort zone, well. Establishments are based on convincing people to abdicate their self-agency by offering to “take care” of their needs, in exchange of their obedience. Any power structure depends on siphoning individuality off the masses. It’s presented as this shameful path taken by ne’er-do-wellers and because belonging is such a crucial human need, this is more than enough of a deterrent for people to stave off whatever inner desires pulls them towards a similar path.

What kills dreams, what clouds inspiration, what makes ideas seem outlandish isn’t the trends and norms. It’s you. Your doubts drain your self-belief. Your cynicism poisons the well of hope. When you pay heed to others projection of negativity and insecurity on you, you let yourself know that others bs is more believable than your dreams. Your inability to protect your hope and dreams is like a bird mother building the babies nest too close to the ground where they can be reached by rowdy kids or predators. You have to put your back into it! You get back what you’ve invested. If you do things half-assedly don’t be disappointed when the outcome reflects your efforts.

You have to remove the armors you built to protect yourself disappointment and ‘I told you so’s . You have to be raw and vulnerable with yourself. You have to know and believe that you’re worth the risk, you’re worth walking away from everything that stifles you, you’re worth the most outrageous dreams. You can’t both nurture yourself and protect your fears.

Like I mentioned in the beginning, going at it alone means a whole lot of moving bits and responsibility. But if you can come to terms with the tedious work and taking full responsibility of your life, this also means that there is no cap to how far you can go with your ambition. Since no one has your back, no one can hold you back. So go on, scale the mountains while people are content tumbling down hills.

Fake it ’til I don’t make it

I had an online discussion with a girl from the US about African studies and whether all blacks in America can be lumped together as one ethnic group. She had asked for my views on something, and almost immediately I had a rough draft of the two page-response I’d type. It just popped into my head: system theory, race, cultural anthropology, Cartesian anxiety
Somehow I had all these data and concepts lined up that I had never studied. I haven’t been to university ( but a term of the Open University, studying business) I don’t read studies or books. I create my own skeletons of thoughts and observations reached organically, and then I flesh it out with supporting or contrasting information. 

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Roots

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When I give of myself, I create more space within myself to be filled by life. It’s one of the curious paradoxes of life.

When I withhold, I become poor because I limit myself to the little I have, and so I miss out on the vast love that floats in the universe.

I’ve learnt that my biggest enemy is my inability to tolerate uncertainty. I rush to project fantasies or scenarios to rest my gaze upon, because the dark abyss of the future is too frightening as it peers into my soul. It reflects back to me everything I’ve escaped from.

I fear if I lay still, that darkness in my soul will come up to the surface. I fear if I silence my inner chatter that I’ll hear something that’ll break me beyond repair.

Only when I accept that I will never know what will charge at me from the dark uncertainties that encompass me will I gain the freedom I need to go into myself, and into the world.

ninja skier

Dug up an old blog post from the first blog I created eons ago, and although I was 19, it feels like lifetimes ago. It was in the midst of my trying to discover myself and make sense of my intense emotions. I was going through a very turbulent existential depression that reigned strong for a decade. I fall prey to it occasionally when I’m under extreme stress, but I’m mostly able to answer the countless questions my mind conjures day in and day out.
sylvia plath
 
 
Sunday, January 4th, 2009
 
I have been in Kenya for over three years now.It wasn’t the first time,I’ve come on vacation several times,but settling here didn’t just mean racing to find the biggest room with the best view in the house.It didn’t just mean unpacking and making myself at home,trying to get used to sleeping alone with an intense fear of darkness.It meant settling my mind aswell.It meant stretching my world to fit this.It meant readjusting my life as I knew it in Sweden,and fit in.
But three years down the road,i still seem to be jet lagged.I still haven’t unpacked my mind.
 
 
The first months were ok.It wasn’t too bad living in a mansion.Or having a 30 degree celsius weather in December.But something felt empty.Like a vacuum.I tried shrugging it off,like an annoying mosquito.I didn’t understand what my mind was saying.I didn’t understand that my mind could say anything.But oh yeah,it did.It said it out loud.And everyone heard it crystal clear.Everyone but me.
 
I couldn’t cope with being in a foreign country.I went to school and couldn’t cope with not being the brightest student in the class no more.I became apathetic,frustrated,alternated between extremes.My mind was sending me a signal that I never picked up.I didn’t care about school any longer or anything else for that matter.I didn’t know what was happening.It was like a was an observer to my life.Mute and mutated.
 
So I wonder,could it ever be prevented?Or did I need to be a 16 year old psychologist to understand it?What evolved after that was extremely extremely traumatizing.That remains my trauma.At least until i can put it behind me.
So i dropped out,for about 2.5 years and would jump at the sound of ‘school’.I couldn’t manage opening a book without breaking down.I found myself more than ever slipping back to the time before.When i had planned my life into the minute.When i had top grades with no one challenging me.I found myself being more in the past than the present.
 
To rub salt in my wound,my classmates,whom i thought never could beat me,graduated from high school and my chief rival went to medschool.I feel terrible,utterly sodding completely terrible.It’s like a half step forward a mile back.I did go back,in February last year.I dropped out after 3 months because it kept coming back.My Post traumatic stress.My parents are equally frustrated,not knowing what to do.They can’t just stand there,watch while i destroy my life.Or rather,my mind destroys my life.In November again,i went back.I think between November and now I’ve skived more than i have actually attended a class.It’s breaking down again.My mind is destroying me for not picking up signals.For not listening.But to what???It’s so complicated,i know…
 
 
 
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