I’m not programmable

I want things to make sense intuitively without me having to analyze them intellectually. It’s so exhausting having to break away to translate my nonverbal emotions into logical cues and structure that allows me to navigate the mental landscape that underpins this matrix. Nothing is ever as it seems and I have to see things for what they truly are in order to not be entangled or step into traps.

Sign the dotted line

I can accommodate for you but I can’t make my mental health adapt to your convenience. If a last-minute cancelation annoys you more than you’re concerned for the anxiety attack that made me do it, then I’m sorry to tell you that there will probably be many such inconveniences in the future ; changing my mind, wanting to be alone, not being able to finish an assignment, backing out of a project, ending a trip early. I’ve tried to discipline my mental disorders and regulate the attacks so that I can work around having to clash with commitments and expectations. It was not only impossible but it was deeply unfair to myself and traumatized me further and deeper. I was effectively telling myself that I didn’t matter and that it’s normal and ok for others to not be understanding and empathetic. I shouldered the guilt on top of everything else.

So now, this is where I stand : my mental health issues are just a symptom of adapting to a toxic system. The more that I can care and hold space for my sensitivities and vulnerabilities, the more efficient and proactive I can be. When the weakest link in me is protected, all of me is protected and anyone who finds that ridiculous is someone I don’t want to mingle with. Period. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about being a considerate human being who can make space for other than one’s ego. Someone who’s unable to transcend their base desires and neurotic habits of controlling others and the weather is someone I’m fundamentally incompatible with.

Externally valued

I always had a subconscious demonic programming that made surrendering to Allaah seem “too easy” and like it was a cop-out because “others don’t need to in order to function normally”. I never realized the anatomy of mind control until I started looking deep into pain. It was made to seem like transcending ego was the easy way out, the coward’s way out. I now accept that I don’t need to prove myself and it’s alright that I’m a coward and whatever else I’m threatened with. Because the things that make me love life and my heart sing aren’t worldly or concrete or pragmatic. They are intuition, visions, empathy, being able to connect the dots and see the bigger picture, having intuitive downloads and quantum leaps in learning, love, divine support.

And I realize that to surrender is actually the most difficult thing to do, not easiest thing to do. Because to surrender entails making a choice and sacrificing the options. It entails uncertainty and loss of control. It’s the demise of the ego, which is the only way shaytaan can influence a person so it’s understandable that its preservation is vested into.

Spaceship

Centering my emotional comfort over making others comfortable is such a strange and alien concept that I’ll have to get used to…

I ain’t sorry

I’ve fought very hard for my freedom to FEEL everything to the fullest extent by crashing into every limitation and inane ‘truth’ held within my plagued psyche. I’ve sacrificed a lot and endured many a terrifying nights where a new day entailed a fresh cycle of existential anxiety, just to be able to throw off the mental yoke that the matrix uses to control people’s emotions, and inevitably their souls.

My feelings are my life force and I won’t let anyone taint or control them, not even I.

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