A dog-eat-dog world is cannibalistic

Because I used to fear isolation and being ostracized, I came to fear my feelings or more specifically, I’d fear the implications of having feelings that put me at odds with those around me. So I came to seek comfort in validation because it was killing 2 birds with 1 stone ; I got to escape the tension arising from my inner conflict of navigating a world that was do dialectically opposed to me, and I got my existential fear of being stranded quelled by the lack of resistance from others ( i. e. acceptance).

Of course, the struggle and tension didn’t leave me just because I left me. It became even more volatile and threatening, spurring more inauthenticity and people pleasing in a bid to flee myself. I didn’t want to bear the burden of potentially alienating others because of me.

I suffered the consequences of seeking harbour in others and I lived through the flipside of being accepted ; enslavement. I was effectively emotionally enslaved, both by my rejection of self that made it impossible to be autonomous and the constant existential threat embodied in social acceptance and belonging. It took me years to dig my way out of this because it was like hopping from the frying pan into the fire. Not only did I have to deal with my own existential crisis, but I had to be a mule for others emotions and issues. I became entangled in so much toxicity and I realized that the type of people who’d accept giving me harbour were the polar opposite of my dysfunction. They were the aggressors and those wielding and hoarding power to use people like me. I really learnt a lot in those dynamics and it was as close to hell as I could get on earth. It was the contrast I needed to endure my own tension and battles.

Now I seek comfort in accepting and validating my feelings even if doing this alienates others. It just means that those who are deterred by my authentic feelings are fundamentally incompatible with me and moving away from people whose energy resist me gives me the world I need to truly thrive and be amongst those who resonate with me.

The ideal is the real deal

I don’t have control over the course of my actions. I only have my intentions that are subject to the divine will. But what I do control is how I interact with my immediate reality. Resilience is to exercise of meaning. My duty is to find the truth in everything I go through and to accept it with love because Allaah decided that there was something more important than my plans. So I can either resist and fight the fact that my plans didn’t go through or I can go deeper and accept on faith that because this was an act of divine will there is a better meaning in this for me. And understanding that meaning depends on how open my heart is, how much I humble myself to the fact that my actions are meaningless unless fuelled by divine will.

Vanguard

I don’t want the roots of my dreams to be the avoidance of my nightmares. I don’t want the bitter aftertaste of shame when I reap the fruits of my actions driven by my need to be more than I am. Every action is shadowed by the intentions that gave birth to it. Only the vulnerable truth illuminates instead of casting a shadow.

Curtain call

My one and only duty is to protect the sacredness of my heart. Firstly from myself, and then from the world.

Beehive

Shame robs me of gratitude; it’s the opposite of it. It’s to be embarrassed about blessings, because of the tainted meaning assigned by others. Shame would be ineffective if I didn’t believe in it, if I didn’t see the world through that lens. If I didn’t identify with the gaze of those I desperately wanted to belong with.

The beach holds space for the tide

Let the world meet you at your shore, where you are, regardless of any expectations. Remain present in your experience and let others make of your experience what they may. But don’t let fear in any way influence your direction or pace. You’re not on a stage, you’re not a performer. Stay centered.

Unafraid

My truth matters. To me. It shapes the interiors of my heart and I have to live with symmetry. Life’s a symphony when you lead with congruence. Intuition. No loneliness when discernment is safeguarded. I’ll suffer against the whispers of doubt and rage of fear that tries to unravel me. Only way you’ll unravel me is if you kill me first and do an autopsy. And even then my spirit would have been evacuated by then, unburdened by the corpse that once housed me. My truth is stored in the celestial clouds. Blessed be the divine.

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