To be able to see reality for what it is, no matter how grim, gives me so much relief because I realized that it wasn’t what I was feeling or seeing that was causing me so much distress and pain, it was the resistance I had to experiencing it. That’s what I drove me into the ground. Of course the resistance ironically came to be because I feared being stuck if I acknowledged reality.
I don’t have control over the course of my actions. I only have my intentions that are subject to the divine will. But what I do control is how I interact with my immediate reality. Resilience is the exercise of meaning. My duty is to find the truth in everything I go through and to accept it with love because Allaah decided that there was something more important than my plans. So I can either resist and fight the fact that my plans didn’t go through or I can go deeper and accept on faith that because this was an act of divine will there is a better meaning in this for me. And understanding that meaning depends on how open my heart is, how much I humble myself to the fact that my actions are meaningless unless fuelled by divine will.
Seeing the truth of your wounds also shows you the wisdom of the divine will that allowed it to happen. And suddenly the picture changes completely.
When the truth is too difficult and burdensome to accept fully it can be tempting to start doubting your perception, to start fiddling with the configurations, to adapt to less than optimal conditions as a tradeoff for remaining in the shadows. But reducing your brightness level on your consciousness to allow you to remain comfortably numb entails a disintegration of your reality, a fragmentation of your life force. You’re inviting neurosis by refusing to accept your truth unconditionally or to try to warp it to protect your ego.
Being with my imperfections without giving in to the conditioned impulses to deride and criticize myself for not measuring up to the ideals feels like defying gravity I tell you.
The truth is not a resistance of what is. It’s not a feeling of doubt that creeps up on you regarding something you’re actively involved in. It’s a new tab that shows you a different, more evolved reality than the one you’re currently focused on. And then it’s up to you to choose which path you want to continue down. But it’s always clear and distinct, so don’t be fooled into doubting what you know or letting fear avert you from what you gravitate towards.
Reflecting on my most painful memories, I’m starting to realize that what caused me so much suffering wasn’t what actually happened and it wasn’t the fact that I wished my life had taken a different trajectory. It was that I remained suspended in defiant resistance of what was and rejection of what genuinely sprung up within me in response to external situations. So, I rebelled against the divine plan and I rebelled against my internal experience, but the one thing I did not rebel against and remained loyal to was my destructive thought patterns that insisted safety lay in retaining control of life. All these years, I gave preference to the external realities endorsed by society and all the while my potential lay in divine escrow, awaiting my surrender and receptivity.
Pain is a universal tax collector, the tax being on the misalignment of our inner being.