To be able to see reality for what it is, no matter how grim, gives me so much relief because I realized that it wasn’t what I was feeling or seeing that was causing me so much distress and pain, it was the resistance I had to experiencing it. That’s what I drove me into the ground. Of course the resistance ironically came to be because I feared being stuck if I acknowledged reality.
I don’t have control over the course of my actions. I only have my intentions that are subject to the divine will. But what I do control is how I interact with my immediate reality. Resilience is the exercise of meaning. My duty is to find the truth in everything I go through and to accept it with love because Allaah decided that there was something more important than my plans. So I can either resist and fight the fact that my plans didn’t go through or I can go deeper and accept on faith that because this was an act of divine will there is a better meaning in this for me. And understanding that meaning depends on how open my heart is, how much I humble myself to the fact that my actions are meaningless unless fuelled by divine will.
Seeing the truth of your wounds also shows you the wisdom of the divine will that allowed it to happen. And suddenly the picture changes completely.
When the truth is too difficult and burdensome to accept fully it can be tempting to start doubting your perception, to start fiddling with the configurations, to adapt to less than optimal conditions as a tradeoff for remaining in the shadows. But reducing your brightness level on your consciousness to allow you to remain comfortably numb entails a disintegration of your reality, a fragmentation of your life force. You’re inviting neurosis by refusing to accept your truth unconditionally or to try to warp it to protect your ego.
Being with my imperfections without giving in to the conditioned impulses to deride and criticize myself for not measuring up to the ideals feels like defying gravity I tell you.