Somalis and anti-arabism?

So lately I’ve seen anti-arab sentiments by Somalis floating around the interwebs and I’ve been wondering where that came from, until I saw a post earlier blaming Arabism for watering down and erasing our Somali heritage and history.

Boy, is that the epitome of Somali mentality – blame.

We’re so skilled in the game of laying blame after decades of practice. Civil war was because of qabyaalad. Somalis leaving the deen is because of the West. Kids being western and not giving a damn about their ethnicity waaba aduun gadoon. Let’s remedy that by putting the 15 year old kid on a one-way trip to Luuq in Somalia.

You can fall countless times but you haven’t failed until you blame someone else for tripping you.

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The childhood that never was

 

I recently had a conversation with my mum. She was of the notion that she had ‘invested’ in me and expected a certain outcome. Said she, ” I raised you for 25 years and I am yet to see benefit”. Perplexed and stunned I asked her why she saw me, and my siblings, as investments in the stock market? She was the one blessed with children and the means to provide for us, so if she saw us as produce of her hard efforts then she’d feel entitled to certain outcomes. Unless I fulfilled that impossible image, I was a failure. I had to reach there in order for her to let out a sigh of relief and allow herself to look at me with an eye of satisfaction.

It quickly descended into a quibble and she asked rhetorically what there was about me to be grateful about? My attitude and lack of reverence? As if that’s all I was. She stormed out of the room and I felt like I was 8 again. She will never be pleased with me, I saw that now. I learnt very early on that love was conditional on my performance. I had to be nice enough,smart enough, neat enough.

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Bullshit-pacifier & other confessions

Yesterday it hit me hard; I’m a bullshit-pacifier. I recovered from perfectionism and landed in the comfy zones between laziness and apathy thinking this was the healthy ideal; this was the moderation that’d relax my worn out mind. I shot down the cognitive dissonance that urged me to get moving and plastered my wounds with self-pity. I’m not going to deny that a part of me was seared and perfectionism singed and I was very wary of going back to the insane mindset that was all I knew growing up, however in doing that I swung the pendulum too far to the other side; apathy.

For some time I’ve questioned my inertia and tried to find out some deep and complex psychological explanation to get me revved up. But yesterday I realized that what  I was looking for was a security blanket to hold onto in the confusion that is my life and let the storm sort itself out or sum’n.Yesterday I realized I was a bullshit-pacifier and it felt like being doused with ice-cold water in my sleep.

The bittersweet epiphany was followed by this realization; if you don’t do what you can do, you won’t become who you wish to be.

word.

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