Finding God in the expanse

To be able to see reality for what it is, no matter how grim, gives me so much relief because I realized that it wasn’t what I was feeling or seeing that was causing me so much distress and pain, it was the resistance I had to experiencing it. That’s what I drove me into the ground. Of course the resistance ironically came to be because I feared being stuck if I acknowledged reality.

Quantum finesse

Reflecting on my most painful memories, I’m starting to realize that what caused me so much suffering wasn’t what actually happened and it wasn’t the fact that I wished my life had taken a different trajectory. It was that I remained suspended in defiant resistance of what was and rejection of what genuinely sprung up within me in response to external situations. So, I rebelled against the divine plan and I rebelled against my internal experience, but the one thing I did not rebel against and remained loyal to was my destructive thought patterns that insisted safety lay in retaining control of life. All these years, I gave preference to the external realities endorsed by society and all the while my potential lay in divine escrow, awaiting my surrender and receptivity.

Pain is a universal tax collector, the tax being on the misalignment of our inner being.

My head is running wild again

Sunset and clouds


I fight myself. I fight my resistance, my procrastination. I fight my pain in a bid to silence it. I run on autopilot. Old habits run deep. Yes, that is a portmanteau of two different sayings – I like to live dangerously 😉

I’m not as self-aware as I’d like to be. I still misinterpret signals from my intuition and react instinctively, as I’ve done for years. Or rather, as I’ve learnt from mum to do; attack,suppress,silence.
I find myself resisting exercise, resisting reading the books I really want to read, procrastinating, unable to focus. It’s boggled me for a while now; why am I resisting things I love? What’s hindering me?

After an in-depth introspection that involved journalling, I realized my mind was infested with forceful orders that I barked at myself. It was automatic, so I couldn’t hear it unless I knew what to listen out for. A toxic state of have-to’s and scolding. I got things all wrong. I had approached things assuming that I didn’t know what was good for me. But I know, deep down. The lists and orders only bring pain. Some issues I can’t solve right away, I need to grow in them. And that’s fine. I want to be who I am for now without the constant feeling of disappointment and wishful thinking. It’s so relieving to not have to brace myself for self-battering. It’s so comforting to know that my already frail self-esteem won’t be broken apart by self-criticism. Goals and ambition are no longer words that trigger panic. My mind is no longer a battlefield, my heart – no longer a cemetery where dreams go to die before they are even born.


Why things get worse right before they get better

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change cycle

Stage 1 – Loss to Safety
In Stage 1 you admit to yourself that regardless of whether or not you perceive the change to be good or ‘bad” there will be a sense of loss of what “was.”

Stage 2 – Doubt to Reality
In this stage, you doubt the facts, doubt your doubts and struggle to find information about the change that you believe is valid. Resentment, skepticism and blame cloud your thinking.

Stage 3 – Discomfort to Motivation
You will recognize Stage 3 by the discomfort it brings. The change and all it means has now become clear and starts to settle in. Frustration and lethargy rule until possibility takes over.

The Danger Zone
The Danger Zone represents the pivotal place where you make the choice either to move on to Stage 4 and discover the possibilities the change has presented or to choose fear and return to Stage 1.

Stage 4 – Discovery to Perspective
Stage 4 represents the “light at the end of the tunnel.” Perspective, anticipation, and a willingness to make decisions give a new sense of control and hope. You are optimistic about a good outcome because you have choices.

Stage 5 – Understanding
In Stage 5, you understand the change and are more confident, think pragmatically, and your behavior is much more productive. Good thing.

Stage 6 – Integration
By this time, you have regained your ability and willingness to be flexible. You have insight into the ramifications, consequences and rewards of the change — past, present, and future.

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