A giant task

Creating safety from fear only recreates fear, just like cutting a magnet in half doesnโ€™t separate the north and south pole, but rather duplicates the north and south poles. Emotional reality, as opposed to physical reality, is a fractal and itโ€™s highly volatile in that the observer has more power over it than what is being observed. Fear isnโ€™t a reality until itโ€™s treated and interacted with as a reality. When one acts in ways to avoid a potential run-in with oneโ€™s fear, thatโ€™s a sign that fear actually runs your life while making you believe that compulsive rationalization gives you some control.

Thatโ€™s not to say that the feeling of fear is false. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. And itโ€™s usually in contending with feelings that we miss the mark. Thereโ€™s a difference between allowing the feelings to flow, and to try to control them by cutting off the flow mentally.

Emotional reality states are neutral ; the unknown or the uncertain is neutral. Itโ€™s our latent beliefs that get projected on to the circumstances unfolding before us that then take shape and become an extension of the psyche. Itโ€™s the spaces in between events and triggers that create the dimensions of the reality we live.

Weโ€™re oriented to view the world as this cutthroat place of scarcity, a place void of divine order. And thatโ€™s an incredibly dismal existence to lead, not least because itโ€™s constantly pitting you against your natural flow.

The only way to base life on love and hope is to trust Allaah with the jump scares, worst case scenarios, pitfalls, triggers, and whatever else an anxiety ridden mind can conjure. Itโ€™s to detach from a conditional existence that demands that things line up in a certain way for life to be redeemable. Itโ€™s to know that abundance is unconditional and the external reality has absolutely no bearing on it. Abundance, harmony, peace, alignment, fulfillment are strictly divine domains. They canโ€™t be strong-armed or procured through hustle. They are only granted to the hopeful heart and surrendered mind.

In the verses below plays out a story about when, after the passing of Musa and Haarun calayhumasalaam, Banu Israel wanted a leader to finally enter Jerusalem. They expected someone from the elite, wealthy. But here comes someone with no obvious signs as to why he was made leader. Ignorantly they assumed that the physical reality is one of causality. To weed out the true ones for the army, they were tested for scarcity mentality by having to forego drinking from the cool waters of a stream. This, after a long and arduous trek that unquestionably left them parched. Here their heart was pitted against their logic ; would they be able to transcend a situation when the stakes were so high? Those who were able to refrain were ones whose hearts were ripe to receive strength and abundance from Allaah. And it became so, that when it became high time, they asked Allaah to pour on them patience like their companions who failed their tests poured the water.

ุงู„ุฌุฒุงุก ู…ู† ุฌู†ุณ ุงู„ุนู…ู„

The reward is from the same nature as the deed.


ูˆูŽู‚ูŽุงู„ูŽ ู„ูŽู‡ูู…ู’ ู†ูŽุจููŠู‘ูู‡ูู…ู’ ุฅูู†ู‘ูŽ ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ูŽ ู‚ูŽุฏู’ ุจูŽุนูŽุซูŽ ู„ูŽูƒูู…ู’ ุทูŽุงู„ููˆุชูŽ ู…ูŽู„ููƒู‹ุง ู‚ูŽุงู„ููˆุง ุฃูŽู†ู‘ูŽู‰ูฐ ูŠูŽูƒููˆู†ู ู„ูŽู‡ู ุงู„ู’ู…ูู„ู’ูƒู ุนูŽู„ูŽูŠู’ู†ูŽุง ูˆูŽู†ูŽุญู’ู†ู ุฃูŽุญูŽู‚ู‘ู ุจูุงู„ู’ู…ูู„ู’ูƒู ู…ูู†ู’ู‡ู ูˆูŽู„ูŽู…ู’ ูŠูุคู’ุชูŽ ุณูŽุนูŽุฉู‹ ู…ู‘ูู†ูŽ ุงู„ู’ู…ูŽุงู„ู ู‚ูŽุงู„ูŽ ุฅูู†ู‘ูŽ ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ูŽ ุงุตู’ุทูŽููŽุงู‡ู ุนูŽู„ูŽูŠู’ูƒูู…ู’ ูˆูŽุฒูŽุงุฏูŽู‡ู ุจูŽุณู’ุทูŽุฉู‹ ูููŠ ุงู„ู’ุนูู„ู’ู…ู ูˆูŽุงู„ู’ุฌูุณู’ู…ู ูˆูŽุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ูŠูุคู’ุชููŠ ู…ูู„ู’ูƒูŽู‡ู ู…ูŽู† ูŠูŽุดูŽุงุกู ูˆูŽุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ูˆูŽุงุณูุนูŒ ุนูŽู„ููŠู…ูŒ

And their Prophet (Samuel) said to them, โ€œIndeed Allaah has appointed Talut (Saul) as a king over you.โ€ They said, โ€œHow can he be a king over us when we are better fitted than him for the kingdom, and he has not been given enough wealth.โ€ He said: โ€œVerily, Allaah has chosen him above you and has increased him abundantly in knowledge and stature. And Allaah grants His Kingdom to whom He wills. And Allaah is All-Sufficient for His creaturesโ€™ needs, All-Knower.

ูˆูŽู‚ูŽุงู„ูŽ ู„ูŽู‡ูู…ู’ ู†ูŽุจููŠู‘ูู‡ูู…ู’ ุฅูู†ู‘ูŽ ุขูŠูŽุฉูŽ ู…ูู„ู’ูƒูู‡ู ุฃูŽู† ูŠูŽุฃู’ุชููŠูŽูƒูู…ู ุงู„ุชู‘ูŽุงุจููˆุชู ูููŠู‡ู ุณูŽูƒููŠู†ูŽุฉูŒ ู…ู‘ูู† ุฑู‘ูŽุจู‘ููƒูู…ู’ ูˆูŽุจูŽู‚ููŠู‘ูŽุฉูŒ ู…ู‘ูู…ู‘ูŽุง ุชูŽุฑูŽูƒูŽ ุขู„ู ู…ููˆุณูŽู‰ูฐ ูˆูŽุขู„ู ู‡ูŽุงุฑููˆู†ูŽ ุชูŽุญู’ู…ูู„ูู‡ู ุงู„ู’ู…ูŽู„ูŽุงุฆููƒูŽุฉู ุฅูู†ู‘ูŽ ูููŠ ุฐูŽูฐู„ููƒูŽ ู„ูŽุขูŠูŽุฉู‹ ู„ู‘ูŽูƒูู…ู’ ุฅูู† ูƒูู†ุชูู… ู…ู‘ูุคู’ู…ูู†ููŠู†ูŽ

And their Prophet (Samuel) said to them: Verily! The sign of His Kingdom is that there shall come to you At-Taabut (a wooden box), wherein is sakeenah (peace and reassurance) from your Lord and a remnant of that which Muusa and Haarun left behind, carried by the angels. Verily, in this is a sign for you if you are indeed believers.

ููŽู„ูŽู…ู‘ูŽุง ููŽุตูŽู„ูŽ ุทูŽุงู„ููˆุชู ุจูุงู„ู’ุฌูู†ููˆุฏู ู‚ูŽุงู„ูŽ ุฅูู†ู‘ูŽ ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ูŽ ู…ูุจู’ุชูŽู„ููŠูƒูู… ุจูู†ูŽู‡ูŽุฑู ููŽู…ูŽู† ุดูŽุฑูุจูŽ ู…ูู†ู’ู‡ู ููŽู„ูŽูŠู’ุณูŽ ู…ูู†ู‘ููŠ ูˆูŽู…ูŽู† ู„ู‘ูŽู…ู’ ูŠูŽุทู’ุนูŽู…ู’ู‡ู ููŽุฅูู†ู‘ูŽู‡ู ู…ูู†ู‘ููŠ ุฅูู„ู‘ูŽุง ู…ูŽู†ู ุงุบู’ุชูŽุฑูŽููŽ ุบูุฑู’ููŽุฉู‹ ุจููŠูŽุฏูู‡ู ููŽุดูŽุฑูุจููˆุง ู…ูู†ู’ู‡ู ุฅูู„ู‘ูŽุง ู‚ูŽู„ููŠู„ู‹ุง ู…ู‘ูู†ู’ู‡ูู…ู’ ููŽู„ูŽู…ู‘ูŽุง ุฌูŽุงูˆูŽุฒูŽู‡ู ู‡ููˆูŽ ูˆูŽุงู„ู‘ูŽุฐููŠู†ูŽ ุขู…ูŽู†ููˆุง ู…ูŽุนูŽู‡ู ู‚ูŽุงู„ููˆุง ู„ูŽุง ุทูŽุงู‚ูŽุฉูŽ ู„ูŽู†ูŽุง ุงู„ู’ูŠูŽูˆู’ู…ูŽ ุจูุฌูŽุงู„ููˆุชูŽ ูˆูŽุฌูู†ููˆุฏูู‡ู ู‚ูŽุงู„ูŽ ุงู„ู‘ูŽุฐููŠู†ูŽ ูŠูŽุธูู†ู‘ููˆู†ูŽ ุฃูŽู†ู‘ูŽู‡ูู… ู…ู‘ูู„ูŽุงู‚ููˆ ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ูƒูŽู… ู…ู‘ูู† ููุฆูŽุฉู ู‚ูŽู„ููŠู„ูŽุฉู ุบูŽู„ูŽุจูŽุชู’ ููุฆูŽุฉู‹ ูƒูŽุซููŠุฑูŽุฉู‹ ุจูุฅูุฐู’ู†ู ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ูˆูŽุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ู…ูŽุนูŽ ุงู„ุตู‘ูŽุงุจูุฑููŠู†ูŽ

Then when Talut set out with the army, he said: โ€Verily! Allaah will try you by a river. So whoever drinks thereof, he is not of me, and whoever tastes it not, he is of me, except him who takes (thereof) in the hollow of his hand.โ€œ Yet, they drank thereof, all, except a few of them. So when he had crossed it (the river), he and those who believed with him, they said: โ€œWe have no power this day against Jalut (Goliath) and his hosts.โ€ But those who knew with certainty that they were to meet their Lord, said: โ€œHow often a small group overcame a mighty host by Allaahโ€™s Leave?โ€ And Allaah is with the patient ones.

ูˆูŽู„ูŽู…ู‘ูŽุง ุจูŽุฑูŽุฒููˆุง ู„ูุฌูŽุงู„ููˆุชูŽ ูˆูŽุฌูู†ููˆุฏูู‡ู ู‚ูŽุงู„ููˆุง ุฑูŽุจู‘ูŽู†ูŽุง ุฃูŽูู’ุฑูุบู’ ุนูŽู„ูŽูŠู’ู†ูŽุง ุตูŽุจู’ุฑู‹ุง ูˆูŽุซูŽุจู‘ูุชู’ ุฃูŽู‚ู’ุฏูŽุงู…ูŽู†ูŽุง ูˆูŽุงู†ุตูุฑู’ู†ูŽุง ุนูŽู„ูŽู‰ ุงู„ู’ู‚ูŽูˆู’ู…ู ุงู„ู’ูƒูŽุงููุฑููŠู†ูŽ

And when they advanced to meet Jalut and his forces, they invoked: โ€œOur Lord! Pour forth on us patience, set our feet firm and make us victorious over the disbelieving people.

ููŽู‡ูŽุฒูŽู…ููˆู‡ูู… ุจูุฅูุฐู’ู†ู ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ูˆูŽู‚ูŽุชูŽู„ูŽ ุฏูŽุงูˆููˆุฏู ุฌูŽุงู„ููˆุชูŽ ูˆูŽุขุชูŽุงู‡ู ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ุงู„ู’ู…ูู„ู’ูƒูŽ ูˆูŽุงู„ู’ุญููƒู’ู…ูŽุฉูŽ ูˆูŽุนูŽู„ู‘ูŽู…ูŽู‡ู ู…ูู…ู‘ูŽุง ูŠูŽุดูŽุงุกู ูˆูŽู„ูŽูˆู’ู„ูŽุง ุฏูŽูู’ุนู ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ู ุงู„ู†ู‘ูŽุงุณูŽ ุจูŽุนู’ุถูŽู‡ูู… ุจูุจูŽุนู’ุถู ู„ู‘ูŽููŽุณูŽุฏูŽุชู ุงู„ู’ุฃูŽุฑู’ุถู ูˆูŽู„ูŽูฐูƒูู†ู‘ูŽ ุงู„ู„ู‘ูŽู‡ูŽ ุฐููˆ ููŽุถู’ู„ู ุนูŽู„ูŽู‰ ุงู„ู’ุนูŽุงู„ูŽู…ููŠู†ูŽ

So they routed them by Allaahโ€™s Leave and Dawud killed Jalut , and Allaah gave him [Dawud] the kingdom and Alยญ-Hikmah (Prophethood [lit. wisdom]), and taught him of that which He willed. And if Allaah did not check one set of people by means of another, the earth would indeed be full of mischief. But Allaah is full of Bounty to the โ€˜Alameen (mankind, jinns and all of cosmos).

(Al-Baqarah 2:247-251)

momentum

I’m cradled in my capricious emotions surrendering to the current
though I know it’ll lead me to the doorstep of my worst fears
eventually
but I’ll trust the process like Musa’s mother trusted
the divine intuition telling her to put her baby in what seemed like harm’s way
i must reclaim my power by looking my worst case scenarios in the eye
i won’t let my life be dictated or informed by the frail egos of others
so i give up all inhibitions to be aligned with the divine will
each moment i feel the powerlessness of my pain
a crescendo of strength unfolds
the type of strength that can only be extracted from plumbing the depths of despair and weakness

I’m not afraid to be afraid, to be betrayed, to be humiliated, to be rejected, to be proven wrong

and that’s my power

this is your sign

Angel Haze ft. Sia, Battle cry

โ€‹๐ŸŽถ Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight

Oh-Oh

It’s just you and I

So lift your hands toward the sky

Lift your hands toward the sky

Oh-Oh
ร—ร—

It seems like yesterday that I was nothing

Then all of a sudden I’m a volcanic eruption

Then all of a sudden it’s like spontaneous combustion

And I’m all up in your face, yelling

“Bitch, you can’t tell me nothing”

Cos I came from the bottom

Now everybody’s watching

I said it was my time

Now I’m who everybody’s clocking

And I’m just out here sprinting

I’m running right through my vision

I’m trying to outrun my past

But still trying to defeat my limits

Cause you only get one moment

In this life to be great

And you give it your all, despite what it takes

And you never let ’em kill you

You take take everything they give you

And throw it right fucking at ’em

And tell ’em it doesn’t build you

And no it don’t ever break you

And no it can’t overtake you

Life’s like a bed of roses

You take the thorns and you make do

Sometimes you have to hurt

For the cause to be reached

But one day you’ll be stronger

Than all that you beat, and you can say

ร—ร—ร—

 Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight

Oh-Oh

It’s just you and I

So lift your hands toward the sky

Lift your hands toward the sky

Oh-Oh

ร—ร—

Woke up one Sunday morning, stopped believing in Jesus

Stopped believing in churches, I stopped believing in preachers

I realized I was a teacher, not just one of the heathens

I’m going to destroy the fallacies, start creating believers

Start creating the leaders, tell them who should they follow

Nobody but themselves, especially if they hollow

Especially when they empty, and death reserved for fulfillment

You the only person alive that holds the key to your healing

So you take it and you run with it

And keep going even when your sun’s hidden

Because the time we spend in darkness when the rain come

Is where we often find the light soon as the pain’s done

There ain’t no material things in the world

That can change the fact you feel alone

Despite the fact that it gets hard, you take it all and you still go

Take the sun and you still grow, lose your light and you still glow

I been there, I’m still here, and I know how you feel, so

ร—ร—

 Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight

Oh-Oh

It’s just you and I

So lift your hands toward the sky

Lift your hands toward the sky

Oh-Oh

~

We don’t wanna fight

So sing with me a battle cry

Sing with me a battle cry

Oh-oh

Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight

Oh-oh

ร—ร—ร—
It’s hard to explain my way of living to people who never lived it

A minute in my position filled with my opposition

To anybody not different fighting to stay the same

I got lives in my hands and I’m fighting to make ’em change

Couldn’t accept responsibility, find somebody to blame

The emotions that I’m harboring ’bout to drive me insane

Tried to say “Fuck everything,” but I ain’t have the heart to

Rarely had the heart to do a lot of things I ought to

So now I spit it for people who say their cords missing

Inspire life into anybody that’s forfeiting

Cause it’s easy to keep pretending that there’s nothing wrong

But it’s harder to keep your head up and be fucking strong

So, now they telling me “Go, Haze, they can’t stop you

Heavyweight flow, if they can’t lift you then they can’t drop you

The pinnacle, if they can’t reach you, then they can’t top you

Man, they can’t do anything, that you’re about to ๐ŸŽถ

Death growing inside of me

I’m locked up in my squalid life because I don’t want others to come in and look at me with that look I’ve been avoiding mirrors for. I’m locked in darkness because the dark protects me, covers me, buries my existence, and with it, the painful reminders of my life. I don’t see much that is redeemable. All I see is what’s wrong with me. All I hear is the muffled wails imprisoned in my throat. All I feel is the jagged edges of my being. All I know is the echoing of my thoughts.

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A Sincere Fool

In my journey to finding my place in this world and sharing myself with it, with all of you, there are times when my vulnerability brings me to people who are overcoming with an urgent need to just hurt me, to shut me up. Sharing something vulnerable with the world is unnerving on its own, but to then have people mock you or try to hurt you by using what they see as a weak spot, it’s so incredibly painful. Not least because you could have prevented that by not opening up to start with! Almost as if life is taunting me with a big neon sign that spells ‘ I told you so!’.

Such one moment happened to me earlier today. I’m no stranger to backlash and trolling, but this time it was significantly different. It was calculated. Without going into details, I was shocked. Gutted. I started crying. The story I had shared, that this person used to hurt me with, was one of the most painful stories of my life, and I felt so helpless when I was attacked. My usual boldness and bravado didn’t hold up. I didn’t even try because the pain was electrifying and it seared through all layers of me. I didn’t know what to do. I was faced with so much pain, and I didn’t want to stay exposed. My knee-jerk reaction was to delete everything, stop sharing of myself, and deactivate my facebook. I wanted to run away, far away. Contrary to how I may appear, I hate being seen by people. If I could have my way, I’d be a hermit in a cabin by a lake. It’s easier to be anonymous than to be misunderstood. Every time I write something or post something, alarm bells go off in my head. And I hit snooze every single time. I choose to be present in the battlefield, fear and pain be damned! All those fears and alarm bells came raining down on me in a torrent of self-consciousness and regret. Why oh why oh why oh why! *You’re fooling yourself into thinking that your writing makes any difference ! You are so stupid and naive !!!*

A calm voice pushed up from beneath the sea of chaos that was taking over me. It reminded me that I should stay in this moment, and just feel the pain. “Own it – this moment, these feelings, this pain. Acknowledge it. Cry it out. It’s going to be ok. There’s no shame in what you did. You can’t control what people will think of you or do to you. There’s always the risk of being hurt. That’s the rent you pay for your place in this world.”

These words embraced me from within and I felt calm, albeit tired, the way the earth briefly holds the rain water after the rain stops, before it’s absorbed into its core. A moment of stillness after the clamour of raindrops beating against windows and rooftops stops.

As the chaos ebbed away, there was a newfound purpose in its wake; a renewed intention to tip the scale of this world in favour of the powerless. I had felt the fear, felt the pain of humiliation and mockery surge through me, and that meant that I was free. I didn’t have to live out my days locking it inside the deepest recesses of my mind, patrolling it so it didn’t come out.

I decided to go right back to the battlefield where my spilt blood had mixed with the rainwater. It formed a small pool of murky water that reflected the sky that had cleared of the rain clouds. I looked at the sky mirrored in the puddle, and I saw strength looking back at me.

“Thereโ€™s nothing more efficient than honesty and nothing more powerful than vulnerability because, vulnerability reveals everyone in your life who will abuse power immediately and almost irrevocably.

Thereโ€™s nothing weaker than hiding your vulnerability because, it means a refusal to stare at those who abuse power and see them for who they are which means they still have power and control over you. Nothing is stronger than vulnerability. Nothing more clarifying. Nothing is clearer than vulnerability, and if you hide who you are you are just making a tombstone of your everyday actions because you dont exist in hiding and youโ€™re letting the past rob you.

Exercise the power of vulnerability. When you are vulnerable you are signaling to your system that the past is over and done! That youโ€™re no longer a victim! That youโ€™re no longer trapped in a destructive and abusive environment! Vulnerability means itโ€™s over, itโ€™s done. The war is over but, if you continue to use the same defenses that you had in the past all youโ€™re telling your whole body is that the past is not over.

Be vulnerable. Be honest. Be open and show your heart. Thatโ€™s the best way of telling your heart that the tigers are no longer in the grass. Iโ€™m telling you, just take it for a spin. Vulnerability and openness will get you what you want in your life and hiding will only get you the feeling of being prey from here until the end of your life.โ€

โ€• Stefan Molyneux

And Still I Rise

Being a (hijabi) Muslim black woman is the lowest rung of the Western society. My very existence is the embodiment of everything society shits on. Iโ€™ve never known the connotation of the proverbial a walk in the park. Even the walk in a park feels like Iโ€™m being scrutinized. My skin colour, my dress, my womanhood are screaming car alarms in a funeral, or snow storm on a June wedding day. Iโ€™ve never had the luxury of being relaxed. I feel like a thug when I walk into department stores. I feel like a terrorist in the airports, with a ticking bomb in my shoulder bag that ironically holds a ย copy ofย โ€˜1984โ€ฒ by George Orwell, a pack of gum and the latest edition of the New Scientist. I try to keep eye contact, smile, think happy thoughts in case the NSA are sitting somewhere reading my thoughts. I watch my words when Iโ€™m on the phone so I donโ€™t say stuff like โ€˜ man youโ€™re the bombโ€™ and have my ass scooped off to a blacksite by the FBI.I feel like Iโ€™m at a pageant every time I walk outside. And being a native of Sweden where up until maybe 35 years ago, the only blacks that stepped a foot here were the travelling circus of Somali niggers in the early 20th century, things are even worse! Much worse. The racism isnโ€™t as institutionalized as in the states, but the general opinion of blacks is rather primitive.

However.

All that just made sure that I had to be alert, that I had to learn to defend justice for any human. It taught me to not give racist whites the power by making me believe the system is rigged against me. It taught me to take whatโ€™s mine, and keep trying until I chip away at the old system. It taught me to not accept a dirtbagโ€™s imbecile thinking. It taught me that humanity has always been prone to oppression and resisting progress. I get it; itโ€™s not a personal thing. Governments need their scapegoats, people need their bogeyman. Today itโ€™s me, tomorrow itโ€™s someone else, just like in yesteryears there were others in my place. The rotating axes of human vices.

The true enemy isnโ€™t the evil man whoโ€™s doing reflexively whatโ€™s imbedded in his rotten heart. Itโ€™s the apathetic bystander who lets him.

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, Iโ€™ll rise.


– Maya Angelou ( Still I Rise)

A tale of two lives

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Theย misery you lament gave you strengths I lack
The privilege I take for granted left me with miseriesย you’ll never have.

 

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