A giant task

Creating safety from fear only recreates fear, just like cutting a magnet in half doesn’t separate the north and south pole, but rather duplicates the north and south poles. Emotional reality, as opposed to physical reality, is a fractal and it’s highly volatile in that the observer has more power over it than what is being observed. Fear isn’t a reality until it’s treated and interacted with as a reality. When one acts in ways to avoid a potential run-in with one’s fear, that’s a sign that fear actually runs your life while making you believe that compulsive rationalization gives you some control.

That’s not to say that the feeling of fear is false. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. And it’s usually in contending with feelings that we miss the mark. There’s a difference between allowing the feelings to flow, and to try to control them by cutting off the flow mentally.

Emotional reality states are neutral ; the unknown or the uncertain is neutral. It’s our latent beliefs that get projected on to the circumstances unfolding before us that then take shape and become an extension of the psyche. It’s the spaces in between events and triggers that create the dimensions of the reality we live.

We’re oriented to view the world as this cutthroat place of scarcity, a place void of divine order. And that’s an incredibly dismal existence to lead, not least because it’s constantly pitting you against your natural flow.

The only way to base life on love and hope is to trust Allaah with the jump scares, worst case scenarios, pitfalls, triggers, and whatever else an anxiety ridden mind can conjure. It’s to detach from a conditional existence that demands that things line up in a certain way for life to be redeemable. It’s to know that abundance is unconditional and the external reality has absolutely no bearing on it. Abundance, harmony, peace, alignment, fulfillment are strictly divine domains. They can’t be strong-armed or procured through hustle. They are only granted to the hopeful heart and surrendered mind.

In the verses below plays out a story about when, after the passing of Musa and Haarun calayhumasalaam, Banu Israel wanted a leader to finally enter Jerusalem. They expected someone from the elite, wealthy. But here comes someone with no obvious signs as to why he was made leader. Ignorantly they assumed that the physical reality is one of causality. To weed out the true ones for the army, they were tested for scarcity mentality by having to forego drinking from the cool waters of a stream. This, after a long and arduous trek that unquestionably left them parched. Here their heart was pitted against their logic ; would they be able to transcend a situation when the stakes were so high? Those who were able to refrain were ones whose hearts were ripe to receive strength and abundance from Allaah. And it became so, that when it became high time, they asked Allaah to pour on them patience like their companions who failed their tests poured the water.

الجزاء من جنس العمل

The reward is from the same nature as the deed.

وَقَالَ لَهُمْ نَبِيُّهُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ قَدْ بَعَثَ لَكُمْ طَالُوتَ مَلِكًا قَالُوا أَنَّىٰ يَكُونُ لَهُ الْمُلْكُ عَلَيْنَا وَنَحْنُ أَحَقُّ بِالْمُلْكِ مِنْهُ وَلَمْ يُؤْتَ سَعَةً مِّنَ الْمَالِ قَالَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ اصْطَفَاهُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَزَادَهُ بَسْطَةً فِي الْعِلْمِ وَالْجِسْمِ وَاللَّهُ يُؤْتِي مُلْكَهُ مَن يَشَاءُ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ

And their Prophet (Samuel) said to them, “Indeed Allaah has appointed Talut (Saul) as a king over you.” They said, “How can he be a king over us when we are better fitted than him for the kingdom, and he has not been given enough wealth.” He said: “Verily, Allaah has chosen him above you and has increased him abundantly in knowledge and stature. And Allaah grants His Kingdom to whom He wills. And Allaah is All-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knower.

وَقَالَ لَهُمْ نَبِيُّهُمْ إِنَّ آيَةَ مُلْكِهِ أَن يَأْتِيَكُمُ التَّابُوتُ فِيهِ سَكِينَةٌ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَبَقِيَّةٌ مِّمَّا تَرَكَ آلُ مُوسَىٰ وَآلُ هَارُونَ تَحْمِلُهُ الْمَلَائِكَةُ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَةً لَّكُمْ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤْمِنِينَ

And their Prophet (Samuel) said to them: Verily! The sign of His Kingdom is that there shall come to you At-Taabut (a wooden box), wherein is sakeenah (peace and reassurance) from your Lord and a remnant of that which Muusa and Haarun left behind, carried by the angels. Verily, in this is a sign for you if you are indeed believers.

فَلَمَّا فَصَلَ طَالُوتُ بِالْجُنُودِ قَالَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ مُبْتَلِيكُم بِنَهَرٍ فَمَن شَرِبَ مِنْهُ فَلَيْسَ مِنِّي وَمَن لَّمْ يَطْعَمْهُ فَإِنَّهُ مِنِّي إِلَّا مَنِ اغْتَرَفَ غُرْفَةً بِيَدِهِ فَشَرِبُوا مِنْهُ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا مِّنْهُمْ فَلَمَّا جَاوَزَهُ هُوَ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا مَعَهُ قَالُوا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا الْيَوْمَ بِجَالُوتَ وَجُنُودِهِ قَالَ الَّذِينَ يَظُنُّونَ أَنَّهُم مُّلَاقُو اللَّهِ كَم مِّن فِئَةٍ قَلِيلَةٍ غَلَبَتْ فِئَةً كَثِيرَةً بِإِذْنِ اللَّهِ وَاللَّهُ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ

Then when Talut set out with the army, he said: ”Verily! Allaah will try you by a river. So whoever drinks thereof, he is not of me, and whoever tastes it not, he is of me, except him who takes (thereof) in the hollow of his hand.“ Yet, they drank thereof, all, except a few of them. So when he had crossed it (the river), he and those who believed with him, they said: “We have no power this day against Jalut (Goliath) and his hosts.” But those who knew with certainty that they were to meet their Lord, said: “How often a small group overcame a mighty host by Allaah’s Leave?” And Allaah is with the patient ones.

وَلَمَّا بَرَزُوا لِجَالُوتَ وَجُنُودِهِ قَالُوا رَبَّنَا أَفْرِغْ عَلَيْنَا صَبْرًا وَثَبِّتْ أَقْدَامَنَا وَانصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ

And when they advanced to meet Jalut and his forces, they invoked: “Our Lord! Pour forth on us patience, set our feet firm and make us victorious over the disbelieving people.

فَهَزَمُوهُم بِإِذْنِ اللَّهِ وَقَتَلَ دَاوُودُ جَالُوتَ وَآتَاهُ اللَّهُ الْمُلْكَ وَالْحِكْمَةَ وَعَلَّمَهُ مِمَّا يَشَاءُ وَلَوْلَا دَفْعُ اللَّهِ النَّاسَ بَعْضَهُم بِبَعْضٍ لَّفَسَدَتِ الْأَرْضُ وَلَٰكِنَّ اللَّهَ ذُو فَضْلٍ عَلَى الْعَالَمِينَ

So they routed them by Allaah’s Leave and Dawud killed Jalut , and Allaah gave him [Dawud] the kingdom and Al­-Hikmah (Prophethood [lit. wisdom]), and taught him of that which He willed. And if Allaah did not check one set of people by means of another, the earth would indeed be full of mischief. But Allaah is full of Bounty to the ‘Alameen (mankind, jinns and all of cosmos).

(Al-Baqarah 2:247-251)


I’m cradled in my capricious emotions surrendering to the current
though I know it’ll lead me to the doorstep of my worst fears
but I’ll trust the process like Musa’s mother trusted
the divine intuition telling her to put her baby in what seemed like harm’s way
i must reclaim my power by looking my worst case scenarios in the eye
i won’t let my life be dictated or informed by the frail egos of others
so i give up all inhibitions to be aligned with the divine will
each moment i feel the powerlessness of my pain
a crescendo of strength unfolds
the type of strength that can only be extracted from plumbing the depths of despair and weakness

I’m not afraid to be afraid, to be betrayed, to be humiliated, to be rejected, to be proven wrong

and that’s my power

this is your sign

Angel Haze ft. Sia, Battle cry

​🎶 Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight


It’s just you and I

So lift your hands toward the sky

Lift your hands toward the sky


It seems like yesterday that I was nothing

Then all of a sudden I’m a volcanic eruption

Then all of a sudden it’s like spontaneous combustion

And I’m all up in your face, yelling

“Bitch, you can’t tell me nothing”

Cos I came from the bottom

Now everybody’s watching

I said it was my time

Now I’m who everybody’s clocking

And I’m just out here sprinting

I’m running right through my vision

I’m trying to outrun my past

But still trying to defeat my limits

Cause you only get one moment

In this life to be great

And you give it your all, despite what it takes

And you never let ’em kill you

You take take everything they give you

And throw it right fucking at ’em

And tell ’em it doesn’t build you

And no it don’t ever break you

And no it can’t overtake you

Life’s like a bed of roses

You take the thorns and you make do

Sometimes you have to hurt

For the cause to be reached

But one day you’ll be stronger

Than all that you beat, and you can say


 Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight


It’s just you and I

So lift your hands toward the sky

Lift your hands toward the sky



Woke up one Sunday morning, stopped believing in Jesus

Stopped believing in churches, I stopped believing in preachers

I realized I was a teacher, not just one of the heathens

I’m going to destroy the fallacies, start creating believers

Start creating the leaders, tell them who should they follow

Nobody but themselves, especially if they hollow

Especially when they empty, and death reserved for fulfillment

You the only person alive that holds the key to your healing

So you take it and you run with it

And keep going even when your sun’s hidden

Because the time we spend in darkness when the rain come

Is where we often find the light soon as the pain’s done

There ain’t no material things in the world

That can change the fact you feel alone

Despite the fact that it gets hard, you take it all and you still go

Take the sun and you still grow, lose your light and you still glow

I been there, I’m still here, and I know how you feel, so


 Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight


It’s just you and I

So lift your hands toward the sky

Lift your hands toward the sky



We don’t wanna fight

So sing with me a battle cry

Sing with me a battle cry


Money cannot buy

All the love that’s here tonight

All the love that’s here tonight


It’s hard to explain my way of living to people who never lived it

A minute in my position filled with my opposition

To anybody not different fighting to stay the same

I got lives in my hands and I’m fighting to make ’em change

Couldn’t accept responsibility, find somebody to blame

The emotions that I’m harboring ’bout to drive me insane

Tried to say “Fuck everything,” but I ain’t have the heart to

Rarely had the heart to do a lot of things I ought to

So now I spit it for people who say their cords missing

Inspire life into anybody that’s forfeiting

Cause it’s easy to keep pretending that there’s nothing wrong

But it’s harder to keep your head up and be fucking strong

So, now they telling me “Go, Haze, they can’t stop you

Heavyweight flow, if they can’t lift you then they can’t drop you

The pinnacle, if they can’t reach you, then they can’t top you

Man, they can’t do anything, that you’re about to 🎶

Death growing inside of me

I’m locked up in my squalid life because I don’t want others to come in and look at me with that look I’ve been avoiding mirrors for. I’m locked in darkness because the dark protects me, covers me, buries my existence, and with it, the painful reminders of my life. I don’t see much that is redeemable. All I see is what’s wrong with me. All I hear is the muffled wails imprisoned in my throat. All I feel is the jagged edges of my being. All I know is the echoing of my thoughts.

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A Sincere Fool

In my journey to finding my place in this world and sharing myself with it, with all of you, there are times when my vulnerability brings me to people who are overcoming with an urgent need to just hurt me, to shut me up. Sharing something vulnerable with the world is unnerving on its own, but to then have people mock you or try to hurt you by using what they see as a weak spot, it’s so incredibly painful. Not least because you could have prevented that by not opening up to start with! Almost as if life is taunting me with a big neon sign that spells ‘ I told you so!’.

Such one moment happened to me earlier today. I’m no stranger to backlash and trolling, but this time it was significantly different. It was calculated. Without going into details, I was shocked. Gutted. I started crying. The story I had shared, that this person used to hurt me with, was one of the most painful stories of my life, and I felt so helpless when I was attacked. My usual boldness and bravado didn’t hold up. I didn’t even try because the pain was electrifying and it seared through all layers of me. I didn’t know what to do. I was faced with so much pain, and I didn’t want to stay exposed. My knee-jerk reaction was to delete everything, stop sharing of myself, and deactivate my facebook. I wanted to run away, far away. Contrary to how I may appear, I hate being seen by people. If I could have my way, I’d be a hermit in a cabin by a lake. It’s easier to be anonymous than to be misunderstood. Every time I write something or post something, alarm bells go off in my head. And I hit snooze every single time. I choose to be present in the battlefield, fear and pain be damned! All those fears and alarm bells came raining down on me in a torrent of self-consciousness and regret. Why oh why oh why oh why! *You’re fooling yourself into thinking that your writing makes any difference ! You are so stupid and naive !!!*

A calm voice pushed up from beneath the sea of chaos that was taking over me. It reminded me that I should stay in this moment, and just feel the pain. “Own it – this moment, these feelings, this pain. Acknowledge it. Cry it out. It’s going to be ok. There’s no shame in what you did. You can’t control what people will think of you or do to you. There’s always the risk of being hurt. That’s the rent you pay for your place in this world.”

These words embraced me from within and I felt calm, albeit tired, the way the earth briefly holds the rain water after the rain stops, before it’s absorbed into its core. A moment of stillness after the clamour of raindrops beating against windows and rooftops stops.

As the chaos ebbed away, there was a newfound purpose in its wake; a renewed intention to tip the scale of this world in favour of the powerless. I had felt the fear, felt the pain of humiliation and mockery surge through me, and that meant that I was free. I didn’t have to live out my days locking it inside the deepest recesses of my mind, patrolling it so it didn’t come out.

I decided to go right back to the battlefield where my spilt blood had mixed with the rainwater. It formed a small pool of murky water that reflected the sky that had cleared of the rain clouds. I looked at the sky mirrored in the puddle, and I saw strength looking back at me.

“There’s nothing more efficient than honesty and nothing more powerful than vulnerability because, vulnerability reveals everyone in your life who will abuse power immediately and almost irrevocably.

There’s nothing weaker than hiding your vulnerability because, it means a refusal to stare at those who abuse power and see them for who they are which means they still have power and control over you. Nothing is stronger than vulnerability. Nothing more clarifying. Nothing is clearer than vulnerability, and if you hide who you are you are just making a tombstone of your everyday actions because you dont exist in hiding and you’re letting the past rob you.

Exercise the power of vulnerability. When you are vulnerable you are signaling to your system that the past is over and done! That you’re no longer a victim! That you’re no longer trapped in a destructive and abusive environment! Vulnerability means it’s over, it’s done. The war is over but, if you continue to use the same defenses that you had in the past all you’re telling your whole body is that the past is not over.

Be vulnerable. Be honest. Be open and show your heart. That’s the best way of telling your heart that the tigers are no longer in the grass. I’m telling you, just take it for a spin. Vulnerability and openness will get you what you want in your life and hiding will only get you the feeling of being prey from here until the end of your life.”

― Stefan Molyneux

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