Your life has no private chauffeur

You can’t force people to care. You can’t make people see through your perspective because that requires empathy and empathy requires demoting the ego from the most important role. You can’t make people be able to receive you and support you in the way you really and truly need them to, even if they themselves have good intentions. Holding space for another complex human being takes more than good intentions and comforting words. It has nothing to do with will and everything to do with divine will.

I guess what I’m tryna say is, disappointments don’t always need to be because we’re bad or others are bad. Things can be perfectly fine and you still don’t belong and it’s ok. It’s better for everyone involved if you’re completely honest with yourself about what is aligned with you and what can support all of you. Yeah, it may require the breakdown of what you’ve known and traditions that have helped others. But that only means that you get to experience the creation of a unique path specifically designed for you. To hold space for yourself while trusting that Allaah will guide you through this terrain, no matter how conflicting it seems, sets the pace for your life. It means that you know how it feels to be accepted unconditionally and you won’t accept anything less than that from anyone. Because you have that inner structure to fall back on every time.

No participation trophy

Don’t seek kindness in a man, seek respect. Anyone who wants to manipulate you can act kind, but respect involves self-restraint and brutal honesty. The clearest sign of commitment is him preferring you over his ego.

A man isn’t your father, nor are you a child anymore. So don’t seek to quell childhood lacks or insecurities through him. Don’t seek respect, for that matter, just so you can feel validated or eradicate a doubt in your worth. Don’t use love to feed your ego, because anything ego touches it contaminates. A man’s innate strength is to provide what he has, not compensate for what you lack. There’s a subtle difference.

And for the love of God, don’t lead a man you know you’re not resonating with, on. You know when a man is into you, hopeful in your entertainment of his interactions so don’t abuse another’s heart just because it boosts your confidence or makes you feel like you’re wanted. Such an act obscures your heart and may very well cloud it from attracting the one with whom you’d fully resonate with. Don’t follow your ego by encouraging his flattery.

Have patience and be consistent in practicing integrity.

Proxima centauri

I’m not hard to please, I’m just not impressed by generic gestures and dramatic actions. I’m very simple; I see integrity – I’m all yours. But see.. that’s the tricky part.

I don’t judge people according to a preset standard. I meet them where they are ; I’m just interested in connecting. But when someone isn’t internally congruent, when they interact through a cloud of deception that they think they’ll outwit me by, when they can’t hold space for an alternate interpretation of events and rush to projecting and judging, I’m turned all the way off. That kind of person is resistant to my consciousness penetrating their being and therefore they put up all kinds of blocks. I used to make it my business to gently help people unpack that so that they wouldn’t be scared of me but then I learnt that it’s not fair on me to have to disarm others. So I just stay clear where my energy is resisted.

I notice and appreciate the slightest of things. I know when my 4 year old nephew has had a new experience because he tries to put words to an image in his head. I know when my grandma is feeling down, because she starts complaining of stomach ache and becomes a picky eater. I know what someone is going through by the change of content they reblog. I know the collective existential fear of a nation by their conservative political rhetoric.

I close my eyes and I can see dimensions across the plain and yet, no one to share my visions with. Maybe I’m just difficult to explore?

divine timing

I honour…

The steps I began to take on a path that I didn’t continue on
The hope I had in what never came to be
The love I poured in those who betrayed me
The seeds I planted that never bore fruit
The words stirred in my heart that never dared leave my lips
The sentences I started writing but never finished
The fleeting happiness carried by my smile which never quite reached my eyes
The dreams I thought would lead me home
The people I thought would make me whole
The truths that left a gaping hole
making it painfully obvious how empty my heart had become
The connections I had to disrupt to continue on my journey
The convictions that turned out to be illusions
The havens that turned out to be mirages

Inevitably, I learnt my truth through either elimination or illumination. In that regard, my darkness has helped me just as much as the light because I’m neither the dark or the light, but the interplay of the two. I’m the lone tree in the meadow that sees the light of day and is seized by the cover of the night, and yet it always shows up for the dawn of a new day.

Get lost, good riddance

I don’t take breaks from being me
I won’t
I’ll express the gamut of my emotions and thoughts
If my words bother you
If my voice pains your ears
If my stretchmarks my scars my hyper pigmentation displease your eyes
If my emotional hypersensitivity is nuisance to your mind
Honey, let me show you to the door
I’ve struggled way too hard
Endured too much pain
Cut off too many toxic people
Worked too damn fucking hard
At finding and being me
At keeping me when it’d be so much easier to just let go and drift away with the stream —

For you to waltz in, expecting me to fast forward my ‘boring’ parts, my ‘ugly’ parts, my ’emotional’ parts

It’s easier to lose *you* darling
Than to lose myself

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