A death stare in the depths of despair

circa early 2008

I stabbed him hard and deep
But Baby didn’t care to bleed
He just looked at me with a hurt worse than a burn of the third degree
He turned and walked away hastily
Almost too eager to get away from me
The mad One with an imaginary knife
My heart was ripped,torn and thrown from a height of a thousand feet
I wanted to stop him express my love for him
I need him
but he’s bleeding ’cause of me
A million words rushing through my mind but which one was to be expressed they wouldn’t agree

I stabbed him hard and deep but Baby didn’t care to bleed
Closing my eyes the tears are burning behind my eyelids
I can’t see,not because I’m closing my eyes but words can do such damage you won’t believe
and now

Words are frozen
Circulating in a subzero ocean
Beyond far reach of wise lofty men
Who reached far into their treasure of wisdom to thaw them
But i won’t allow them
I’m exhausted with feelings
burning twirling searching down below

Rivers, no ,subzero oceans of forgotten memories
Now rushing through my mind at a neck breaking speed
Rendering my nerves with fatigue


because I stabbed myself hard and deep
And Baby doesn’t care if I bleed

Because dead people can’t care.

Don’t. be seduced



My bullshit makes for great fertilizer

growing rosy excuses on my grave

I live in a roller coaster

addicted to the highs

i hit rock bottom head first

teetering on insanity

it’s exhilarating


slacklining on the wild side of life

the alive side of life

I play a game of rock-paper-scissors with my fears

i’m crushed

i’m stabbed

and this is a letter I pen in my own blood to the life I never lived.

Yours is the earth

“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!”

Rudyard Kipling

[If:A father’s advice to his son]

The Rain

Live yourself

Live in your shoes

Live yourself, if you can’t remember then pinch yourself

Hold yourself up to the light

Like a colourslide

and see your true colours so vivid

Smell yourself,

Smell your soul

Like the tarmac smells of wetness right before it’s about to rain

Let the dusk embrace you

Dawn smile in your eyes

Like lightning bolts

or  petals of orange fire

that doesn’t burn.

All that is gold does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king


-J.R.R. Tolkien

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