Inferno 


That’s the thing about going over the edge, expecting to be crushed : your limitations get annihilated mid-air, and you land in a new dimension where things bend to your molding. What can flames do to me when I readily put my truth to the test? Answer : everything meant to harm me helps me get clear about what I am.

For that I’m ever grateful to Allaah, for not having left me in a pool of suffering. He taught me how He generates possibilities by the removal of insurmountable impasses I’ve experienced, and how He converts difficulties and suffering to the most valuable experiences.

 
I was stopped and destroyed by everything on this planet. Fought tooth and nail to keep my individualism and idealism – however starry-eyed it may be perceived – afloat and I died hundreds of times. I died when my attempts at recreating an image that wasn’t my truth kept failing. I died in my parents eyes when my smarts didn’t culminate in much. I died when everything I used to navigate this world dissipated, slowly but surely. I died until I realized that the parts of me that were dying were the parts preventing me from living, fully.

 
That’s where I get my unstoppable attitude from, because I draw my inspiration and strength from a place alien to this world, and that’s where I get my courage from. There’s something about facing death and existential destruction that makes fears inconsequential.


قَالَ أَفَتَعْبُدُونَ مِنْ دُونِ اللَّهِ مَا لَا يَنْفَعُكُمْ شَيْئًا وَلَا يَضُرُّكُمْ

Ibraahim said: “Do you then worship besides Allaah, things that can neither profit you, nor harm you?” 


أُفٍّ لَكُمْ وَلِمَا تَعْبُدُونَ مِنْ دُونِ اللَّهِ أَفَلَا تَعْقِلُونَ

” Fie upon you, and upon that which you worship besides Allaah! Have you then no sense?” 


قَالُوا حَرِّقُوهُ وَانْصُرُوا آَلِهَتَكُمْ إِنْ كُنْتُمْ فَاعِلِينَ

They said: “Burn him and help your aaliha (gods), if you will be doing.”


قُلْنَا يَا نَارُ كُونِي بَرْدًا وَسَلَامًا عَلَى إِبْرَاهِيمَ

We (Allaah) said: “O fire! Be you coolness and safety for Ibraahim !”


وَأَرَادُوا بِهِ كَيْدًا فَجَعَلْنَاهُمُ الْأَخْسَرِينَ

And they wanted to harm him, but We made them the worst losers.


وَنَجَّيْنَاهُ وَلُوطًا إِلَى الْأَرْضِ الَّتِي بَارَكْنَا فِيهَا لِلْعَالَمِينَ

And We rescued him and Lout  to the land which We have blessed for the ‘Alameen (mankind and jinns).


وَوَهَبْنَا لَهُ إِسْحَاقَ وَيَعْقُوبَ نَافِلَةً وَكُلًّا جَعَلْنَا صَالِحِينَ

And We bestowed upon him Ishaaq , and (a grandson) Ya’qoob . Each one We made righteous. 


وَجَعَلْنَاهُمْ أَئِمَّةً يَهْدُونَ بِأَمْرِنَا وَأَوْحَيْنَا إِلَيْهِمْ فِعْلَ الْخَيْرَاتِ وَإِقَامَ الصَّلَاةِ وَإِيتَاءَ الزَّكَاةِ وَكَانُوا لَنَا عَابِدِينَ

And We made them leaders, guiding (mankind) by Our Command, and We inspired in them the doing of good deeds, performing Salaat , and the giving of Zakaat and of Us (Alone) they were worshippers.



Al-Anbiya [21:66-72] 

A Heroine’s Journey

badassery

The title is a play on Joseph Campbell’s monomyth The Hero with a Thousand Faces. It’s been brilliantly depicted through an INFJs perspective here.

It’s very painful. I don’t know how to explain what’s happening other than through an analogy; it feels like I’m giving birth whilst having my skin ripped. Everything I’ve grown attached to and used as a crutch has been dissolved and I feel like I’m falling into a dark pit where annihilation awaits me. All my abandonment issues and repressed pain come out of the woodworks now that I have nothing to suppress them with,and it’s all too painful. Physically painful. In all my years in this heroine’s journey, I have never known a greater pain. And I think it’s because the very last part of my false self is dying. Ego death they call it. I feel nauseous, and a strong wish to just die. But then I realize I don’t really want to die, and that past suicidal thoughts and attempts have been desperate attempts at abandonment. I always jump ship before anyone can abandon me. Always. I have a knack for seeing when someone’s turning on me, growing sick of me. I sneak out like a thief in the night. They’ll never know what hit them.

In a way, that’s what I used to do to myself when it got overbearing. But I’m sensing a fundamental change; a separate identity from the one in pain has emerged, so the pain is compartmentalized. I can feel that what’s dying in me isn’t me. I don’t know how to explain it.

Now I know why most will never undergo this transformation. Why unconsciousness is so alluring. Why people prefer to be comatose.

Not only is everything I’ve grown accustomed to dissolving in the light of consciousness and maturity, but my true self is emerging.

Mothers, is this how giving birth feels like? Excruciating pain and being torn apart to give way to another life. I think I’ll opt for adoption.

It’s my fault. I have this morbid curiosity. I keep prying into my unconscious, when it nudges content my way either through dreams, intuition, or crossing paths with others.

If my soul was a person, it’d be covered in tattoos, be a chainsmoker, pierced all over, but a really kind person. LOL

I just turned 26 this month. I haven’t had time to pause and reflect on all the shit that my unconscious has thrown in my path. It’s like a videogame. I choose to go to the next level, and the next, and the next. I can’t stop. Like, in the past, I’d be lying on the floor, with blood in my mouth,and pills in my system and the first thing that crosses my mind is to analyze my suicide attempt. I.keep.attracting.lessons. No wonder I couldn’t hack school; I’m enrolled in an intensive crash course in life!

Simplicity is the most difficult thing in life. It involves searching,sifting,choosing,discarding. I feel that the more pain and metamorphosis I undergo, the more child-like I become. You’d expect that with everything’s that happened that I’d become more cautious and closed-off. Nope. I laugh at the silliest things, I’m very naive in that I can’t conjure the evils of others, I give and trust unconditionally, and I believe everything’s possible. But I’m also very fearless when it comes to standing up for what I believe in, in asserting my own truths. Maybe it’s my fearlessness that allows me to be child-like? Because I don’t have to watch my back?

 

The unconscious is not a demoniacal monster, but a natural entity which, as far as moral sense, aesthetic taste, and intellectual judgement go, is completely neutral. It only becomes dangerous when our conscious attitude to it is hopelessly wrong. To the degree that we repress it, its danger increases. But the moment the patient begins to assimilate contents that were previously unconscious, its danger diminishes. The dissociation of personality, the anxious division of the day-time and the night-time sides of the psyche, cease with progressive assimilation.

— C.G. Jung (The Essential Jung: Selected Writings)

But if we understand anything of the unconscious, we know that it cannot be swallowed. We also know that it is dangerous to suppress it, because the unconscious is life and this life turns against us if suppressed, as happens in neurosis. Conscious and unconscious do not make a whole when one of them is suppressed and injured by the other. If they must contend, at least let it be a fair fight with equal rights on both sides. Both are aspects of life. Consciousness should defend its reason and protect itself, and the chaotic life of the unconscious should be given the chance of having its way too – as much of it as we can stand. This means open conflict and open collaboration at once. That, evidently, is the way human life should be. It is the old game of hammer and anvil: between them the patient iron is forged into an indestructible whole, an ‘individual.’ This, roughly, is what I mean by the individuation process.

— C.G. Jung

Ablaze

image

There’s power in pain
There’s healing in suffering
I’ve lived my life in hiding, afraid of that pain
So inevitably, I lost my only hope: the power to withstand the convulsions of repressed energy surging through my consciousness, seizing my mind.
I gave up the freedom to endure a bit of death before I could become alive in the truest sense
I was afraid of death so I did not live
I was afraid of the fire, so I never evolved into phoenix
I was afraid of disappointment so I did not hope
I was afraid of rejection so I did not love
I was afraid of tomorrow so I didn’t even get out of bed this morning
I wished the summer could last forever, but of course it couldn’t, so I came to loathe it for its transitory nature 
I wished the earth could stop spinning for a while, so I could be still for a little while and find my footing.

The worst feeling of loneliness is when you’re desperately trying to escape pain within yourself and there’s nothing anyone can do. It’s like being burnt alive.

This time I’ll endure the raging fire and let the searching flames find my fears, so I can become whole again.

No more posts.