the truth is hard to find

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉

I travel light years in my mind, each day
I sleep a different person
It’s painful, acknowledging unknown territories within me
Because that means I have to pack up and move over there, again.
and that almost always means I’ll be separated from loved ones in my life, unless they move with me which frankly, rarely happens.
As I move farther and farther away, our relationship weakens, we don’t keep in touch as often and all of a sudden we don’t have much in common to talk about.
I’m always a stranger to others, to myself.
Nature of the beast, I guess.

Death by numbness [II]

I’m a criminal

and my frail heart my unwitting victim

It was I who broke my own heart
It was I who brought this pain upon myself
It was I who broke my spirit this way,

For it was I who held onto an illusion.


Death by numbness [I]

My heart is sobbing and I’m sobbing with it
It’s telling me something that I can’t understand
It’s fumbling in my chest, as if it’s looking for something buried in between my ribs
I sometimes catch myself succumbed to a mysterious melancholy
Crept upon me like a fog
or the way dusk permeates the sky in a discreet fashion
I feel my heart conspires with the fabrics of my soul and mind
Huddled in a hush-hush conclave
I’m assigned to bear the brunt of my own secrets
I’m a foreigner to my own heart, and for that I’m mourning.

the perfect sin

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉

“The proud person always wants to do the right thing, the great thing. But because he wants to do it in his own strength, he is fighting not with man, but with God.”
Søren Kierkegaard

Perfectionism almost killed me. It burned me out like a lone ember that neither gives out heat nor fire. I realized perfectionism doesn’t exist in humans. We are dynamic, not static. I discovered my strength in my weakness; they were two sides of the same coin. By embracing my human imperfections I achieved a sense of humility which is in essence self-acceptance. When I accepted my flaws and imperfections, the inner turmoil & tug of war reached a halt. My strength lay in my weakness; my inherent flaws and tendency to sin. I drew closer to Allaah by my sins. The utter weakness that encompassed me realizing that constant spectrum of sinning and repenting- this exposed my frail state and in turn, the greatness of Allaah by contrast.

When I strove for perfection, I lost sight of what was important. It was as if I was striving to please myself by doing an excellent job, losing sight of the intrinsic, autotelic meaning of worship [ ‘ibaadah].

The hadeeth of the Prophet [ صلى الله عليه و سلم ] comes to mind;

 Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “I swear by Him in whose hand is my soul, if you were a people who did not commit sin, Allah would take you away and replace you with a people who would sin and then seek Allah’s forgiveness so He could forgive them.” [Sahīh Muslim (2687)]

The day my agoraphobia died

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉

Agoraphobia – the fear of going to open, crowded places – had been a painful fixture in my life since 2007. It was quite different from the usual forms of agoraphobia. I wasn’t afraid of going out per se, but it was more the feeling of being trapped outside, far away from my comfort zone. The gnawing thought that’d set off the anxiety was one borne out of the loss of control; what if I start feeling uncomfortable and I wouldn’t be able to turn around and go home? What if I get stuck in one of those draining and boring conversations with no way to get out of it? What if I get a migraine, just like that other day, ( shudder)- no, I think it’s better to be safe than sorry. Safe here at home.

“I can’t come. I- I’m not feeling well. Yeah, I think I have a migraine coming on. “

“Hey how ya doing?  Yeah, I’m good. Hey listen, I haven’t slept all night (because I was anxious about not being able to sleep and then be too tired to go to my class, but I won’t say that) and you know how I was the other day when I felt so dizzy? Yeah, so can you,like, you know- let the teacher know? I’ll try to come in around noon if I feel a bit better. Thanks! “

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