the truth is hard to find

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉


I travel light years in my mind, each day
I sleep a different person
It’s painful, acknowledging unknown territories within me
Because that means I have to pack up and move over there, again.
and that almost always means I’ll be separated from loved ones in my life, unless they move with me which frankly, rarely happens.
As I move farther and farther away, our relationship weakens, we don’t keep in touch as often and all of a sudden we don’t have much in common to talk about.
I’m always a stranger to others, to myself.
Nature of the beast, I guess.

Death by numbness [II]

I’m a criminal

and my frail heart my unwitting victim

It was I who broke my own heart
It was I who brought this pain upon myself
It was I who broke my spirit this way,

For it was I who held onto an illusion.

 

Death by numbness [I]

My heart is sobbing and I’m sobbing with it
It’s telling me something that I can’t understand
It’s fumbling in my chest, as if it’s looking for something buried in between my ribs
I sometimes catch myself succumbed to a mysterious melancholy
Crept upon me like a fog
or the way dusk permeates the sky in a discreet fashion
I feel my heart conspires with the fabrics of my soul and mind
Huddled in a hush-hush conclave
I’m assigned to bear the brunt of my own secrets
I’m a foreigner to my own heart, and for that I’m mourning.

the perfect sin

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉

“The proud person always wants to do the right thing, the great thing. But because he wants to do it in his own strength, he is fighting not with man, but with God.”
Søren Kierkegaard


Perfectionism almost killed me. It burned me out like a lone ember that neither gives out heat nor fire. I realized perfectionism doesn’t exist in humans. We are dynamic, not static. I discovered my strength in my weakness; they were two sides of the same coin. By embracing my human imperfections I achieved a sense of humility which is in essence self-acceptance. When I accepted my flaws and imperfections, the inner turmoil & tug of war reached a halt. My strength lay in my weakness; my inherent flaws and tendency to sin. I drew closer to Allaah by my sins. The utter weakness that encompassed me realizing that constant spectrum of sinning and repenting- this exposed my frail state and in turn, the greatness of Allaah by contrast.

When I strove for perfection, I lost sight of what was important. It was as if I was striving to please myself by doing an excellent job, losing sight of the intrinsic, autotelic meaning of worship [ ‘ibaadah].

The hadeeth of the Prophet [ صلى الله عليه و سلم ] comes to mind;

 Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “I swear by Him in whose hand is my soul, if you were a people who did not commit sin, Allah would take you away and replace you with a people who would sin and then seek Allah’s forgiveness so He could forgive them.” [Sahīh Muslim (2687)]

The day my agoraphobia died

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉


Agoraphobia – the fear of going to open, crowded places – had been a painful fixture in my life since 2007. It was quite different from the usual forms of agoraphobia. I wasn’t afraid of going out per se, but it was more the feeling of being trapped outside, far away from my comfort zone. The gnawing thought that’d set off the anxiety was one borne out of the loss of control; what if I start feeling uncomfortable and I wouldn’t be able to turn around and go home? What if I get stuck in one of those draining and boring conversations with no way to get out of it? What if I get a migraine, just like that other day, ( shudder)- no, I think it’s better to be safe than sorry. Safe here at home.

“I can’t come. I- I’m not feeling well. Yeah, I think I have a migraine coming on. “

“Hey how ya doing?  Yeah, I’m good. Hey listen, I haven’t slept all night (because I was anxious about not being able to sleep and then be too tired to go to my class, but I won’t say that) and you know how I was the other day when I felt so dizzy? Yeah, so can you,like, you know- let the teacher know? I’ll try to come in around noon if I feel a bit better. Thanks! “

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A lone planet on this planet

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉


billions-of-stars

I am alone in this world. Not lonely. I mean, I’m literally alone, the only person in this world. I realized while our physical bodies share the ground we walk on and the sky that canopies high above our heads, our souls, our selves, our minds – whichever you resonate with – are housed in individual realms. In this private world, dreams canopies overhead, hope is the glistening stars that comes out in the darkness of confusion. Thoughts are seeds from which ideas and actions sprout forth. Some thoughts are bitter and infests the soul with bitterness and destruction. Other thoughts, though very rare, are the ones whence goodness and beauty sprouts in this world. It soaks the person with kindness and compassion that they in turn extends to others.

The way to change others is to change oneself. I never understood that. I never understood the adage ‘ to love another you must learn to love yourself first’. OK, that’s not really an adage, I kinda made that up hehe, but the concept of self-love and self-acceptance always seemed odd and other worldly to me.

But now, now I get it. I shall uproot the bitter trees I sowed and tear down this canopy of doom, and in their places I shall raise myself anew.

My crude crude world

    Midnight thoughts & thunders

     〈serial soliloquies〉

                 ♣


 I’m crude. I say the wrong things at times and I don’t adhere to common courtesy if it falls out of my frame. My edges are jagged, my core raw. I’m naïve and narrow-minded at times. I’m spoilt,impatient and lackadaisical. There’s no twist, no ‘but’s. That’s the crude part of me; the underdeveloped. But I love it. After smoothing the hem of my mask for pretty much my entire life, I realized not too long ago that even though things looked super sleek on the surface, my true nature remained intact beneath. So whilst I was ironing out the wrinkles, my true self lay beneath seared by the steam.

My goal is to retrace my steps to who I was when I was 6 years old. I don’t know why exactly, but I sense that’s before I was tainted.

I want to be silly and ask all the questions I’ve been raring to ask, but didn’t for fear of being ridiculed. I want to follow my curiosity as if it were a butterfly even though I might seem confused and erratic to others. I want to love madly and deeply and authentically without any undertone of pathological need or expectations for reciprocation. I want to venture into the unknown with lofty and colourful hopes despite the risk of rejection. I want to risk rejection. I want to feel the bad so I can feel the good. I want to be vulnerable and not be defined by the bad that happened to me but by the good with which I responded.


                                                                                  trey-ratcliff-domes-in-playa-burning-man-X3

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