a priori

Try to stay with your emotional distress. Hiding indoors won’t make the skies clear up. No matter how much you enjoy the summer, winter must come. Don’t you see, that it’s all teaching you that the mosaic of life is meaningless without the jagged edges and discomforts?

 
The discomfort are like clouds pregnant with rain that’s going to wash away the dust and quench the dry earth. Let the emotions unload their messages and rain meaning on you. Your heart has become a desert because you keep avoiding the one thing you need. You ignore the voice of the oracle within, and roam the earth in search for easier questions. You don’t get to set the exam. Your entire being is made up of questions. And through working out the answers you’ll find your paths.

 
Don’t change the world to suit your reality. Reach across your threshold and find a colourful connection to the unknown. Adapt. Like the flowers that bloom like they’re perennial, despite knowing that with the growing shade their end is approaching. Their life lies not in the petals or the buds, but in the hidden roots in the dirt. And they bloom because they aren’t afraid to wither.

maktub

​Don’t knock on doors that weren’t opened for you 
Don’t go where your soul isn’t comfortable 

Whatever you run from you’ll run into 

What’s yours knows you by the scent of your love

Sit in your solitude for a moment 

Your soul tribe are on their way

How are they going to find you if you keep running away from yourself?

Wonders are discovered in the blind world of vibes and feelings 

Let your soul lead the way 

You’re invited elsewhere 

Rediscovering Ramadaan#3

ذَٰلِكَ الْكِتَابُ لَا رَيْبَ ۛ فِيهِ ۛ هُدًى لِّلْمُتَّقِينَ

This is the Book (the Qur’ân), whereof there is no doubt, a guidance to those who are Al-Muttaqûn [the pious and righteous person

(Al-baqarah 2:2)

Every word in the Qur’aan bears profound meanings and is not random or spontaneous. Since this is the month when the Qur’aan came down and the month where Allaah says ( in the translation)

O you who believe! Observing As-Saum (the fasting) is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become Al-Muttaqûn (the pious)

(Al-baqarah 2:183)

How do these ayat link? How does one gain taqwa through this month?  And what exactly is taqwa?  And does taqwa precede guidance?

Taqwa is a difficult word to translate to English. Many translate it to mean fearing Allaah, but that is missing the point by a huge margin. Fearing Allaah is a byproduct of taqwa but the meaning is greater than that. The most apt translation that I can think of is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a state of mind where the individual is removed from one’s feelings, thoughts and external events. Where the individual has an internal island protecting oneself from everything that Allaah dislikes.

So having taqwa is the foundation for receiving guidance.

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Novacane

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Today (officially yesterday) was a bad anxiety day. Really bad. I’ve gotten better at handling the attacks with the years; meditation, deep breathing, mindfulness. Shit works actually. Because it’s either that or be sucked into a mind vortex. But despite it all, yesterday was a 8.5, maybe 9. I was going to go out and as I lay on my bed, breathing deeply, trying to stay centred as I feel I’m being torn apart, I consider staying in. Apathy kicks in. What’s the point? I’ll come back anyway. On any other day I would have caved in. But not today. Today I realized the insidiousness in the apathy; it’s a slippery slope. Today it’s let’s not go out, cuz it’s not so important and you’re not feeling well. Seems legit. But tomorrow it’s let’s not try, you’re going to fail anyway. And next thing you know, that lackadaisical attitude is running the gamut of thoughts from apathetic to suicidal. So I went out even though I had no motivation to do so. And as I was walking I realized that anxiety has been an omnipresent element in my life for the past decade. It hit me that I had mistakenly attributed my anxiety to external forces and worked hard to avoid those, but in hindsight I see that the smaller I made my world by avoiding stuff, the bigger the anxiety grew. I thought going out triggered it. So for years I suffered from really bad agoraphobia, not going out for 8 months at one point. I thought school triggered it, I thought x, y, z triggered it, and all this time I hadn’t looked long enough at my life to notice that hey, I’m being duped here! All of a sudden, I remembered all the chill days where I had my junk, where I was in my room doing nothing, that I was in the grips of anxiety. Why? Because anxiety can’t be reasoned with. Anxiety is a disorder in the brain. MY brain. It’s a malfunction. So normal events that shouldn’t trigger my fight-or-flight response, do. And it’s only so long when you’re running away from the proverbial monster that you break down and just freeze. Stick your head in the sand. Hold your breath.

It’s hard to explain anxiety to someone who has never experienced it. It’s like when you go on dodgy websites that re-route you to ad pages with a bunch of pop-ups proclaiming you the winner of an iPhone or whatever, and wherever you click to exit it only takes you deeper into malvertisement nightmare via click-through destinations. Add on to that a really slow computer processor that makes the whole thing like wading through quick-sand whilst carrying cement blocks in your backpack.

 

And people tell me to hurry up and fix my life. Maybe not so crudely put but that’s what the underlying message is. Why aren’t you doing anything? You got unpaid bills piling. You’re only growing older. You’re missing out on life.

I try to speed shit up, but my brain just lags. I try to focus on the blank screen with the blinking cursor in front of me but all these damn popups and video ads that auto play keep blocking the damn screen! So yeah, you might as well tell me to fly by flapping my arms!

 

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