Don’t get caught up young blood

I realize that women contribute to this in a major way by way of the Cinderella/damsel in distress conditioning we are subjected to where we expect a man to save us from danger and fear. So when men show vulnerability – nonresistance to fear – it pushes us back into a conflict because we realize there’s no one to save us. And it may feel easier to beat the insecurity out of the man so that he can be a rock and protect us and provide certainty for us.

Toxic femininity is the foundation for toxic masculinity and I don’t know when we’ll admit it. Mothers mould boys into being the men they become. And that requires more scrutiny and investigation than is afforded rn. I’m not saying mothers make boys become a certain way but by virtue of bringing some biases and expectations on to their psyche and having them ‘become the man of the household’ very early on, they set up a certain dynamic and dichotomy that leaves little wiggle room.

What men need isn’t validation or compliments. They need to be held to the truth and given the space to think out loud without expectations or script. And unless they do that, unless they talk about what’s hurting them about a situation instead of going into blame and fighting mode then that space is revoked. Positive reinforcement of their true selves. It ain’t about good or bad, but about being real and taking ownership of the consequences of that. It doesn’t matter if people think less of you. Masculinity isn’t a socially reinforced script, it’s something divinely created and it won’t come out until you meet yourself in truth. No one can take away what God created, but they can make it seem so by making you hide parts of yourself. And that’s on no one but you.

I’m not an essay

I’m not gonna let you remodel my reality, my truth just because it makes you feel some typa way. Not now after I’ve spent years and years in pursuit of seeking the truth you’ve been confusing and gaslighting me about.

I didn’t push back then out of love and empathy because that’s all I knew.

I push back now out self-love and authenticity because I know how to now. I’ve found the balance, as I refused being pushed into the other extreme by your neuroticism. I’ve been hurt but I’m not going to lose sight of the truth because of that. Clarity of mind is the only thing that has allowed me to see a way through this smoke.

Visceral loving

Just watched*  A Quiet Place and it spurred intuitive ideas about mothering and divine mothering, that is the archetype of motherhood. Beyond the physical and biological implications of motherhood I thought about the spiritual and emotional capacities. And that’s when I discovered my core gifts : love, security and guidance. Or in other words, nurturing, abundance and understanding. The 3 things I’ve lacked the most in my life. And things are more clear because it makes sense that if I was created with these qualities I had to lead a life of the polarities in order to grow and understand through that intense contrast. And that’s what it’s been for me in the past 13 years. Mothering myself. Trying to understand my empathetic and intuitive gifts. Learning in a highly unusual and heuristic way. Devoting myself to healing.

Just earlier I thought to myself that had I not surrendered to the countless trauma and suffering that’s been piled up back to back, I would remain stuck. It was my willingness to regroup, be introspective, be brutally honest about why I’m in this situation even if others did me wrong, and map things together intuitively that allowed me to be receptive to the divine wisdom. But then again, that’s why Allaah tested me to the extent that He did. He knew I would only become bolder under pressure and if I wasn’t so I wouldn’t be put through the high-pressure cooker that my adult life has been.

I’m just so grateful to come face to face with my core. I never thought this would happen.


* this was over 2 months ago and it’s been sitting in my drafts until now for no apparent reason 🙄

God, I got grievances galore

I’m tired. Of not being allowed to feel what I feel about certain people and things. It feels like having to hold in my breath to fit into a pair of really stiff jeans that are 2 sizes too small and having to wear them 24/7, even to sleep.

I ask Allaah : is this what You intended? I just want to know because I’m tired of feeling outside the box and being penalized for it. They say You’ll be displeased if I don’t worship her. Borderline worship. At least that’s how it seems to me. I just want to know, is this right? To feel so tyrannically and forcefully stripped of natural reactions to abnormal interactions? I just want to know.. is it true? It hurts to have been gaslighted all my life. I guess that’s why You made me psychic, as an emergency kit. I’m afraid of being the person she says I am. Am I? And if she can’t see it, or refuses to see it, what am I to do? She feels like the Bermuda triangle. Nothing short of being absorbed into her will do. But I can’t be her shadow without swallowing the darkness. My heart is full of soot. I try to look for the truth, to put my feet to the fire, to rectify myself. You know that. But it comes to a point where I notice it doesn’t matter. My changes don’t even register. It doesn’t matter if I change or don’t change, her stance remains because… she wants me to represent the world she dreamed of and which she envisioned but You prevented from manifesting, and for good reason. I can’t be what You haven’t given to her. And she can’t make me into what You haven’t given to her.

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