Don’t get caught up young blood

I realize that women contribute to this in a major way by way of the Cinderella/damsel in distress conditioning we are subjected to where we expect a man to save us from danger and fear. So when men show vulnerability – nonresistance to fear – it pushes us back into a conflict because we realize there’s no one to save us. And it may feel easier to beat the insecurity out of the man so that he can be a rock and protect us and provide certainty for us.

Toxic femininity is the foundation for toxic masculinity and I don’t know when we’ll admit it. Mothers mould boys into being the men they become. And that requires more scrutiny and investigation than is afforded rn. I’m not saying mothers make boys become a certain way but by virtue of bringing some biases and expectations on to their psyche and having them ‘become the man of the household’ very early on, they set up a certain dynamic and dichotomy that leaves little wiggle room.

What men need isn’t validation or compliments. They need to be held to the truth and given the space to think out loud without expectations or script. And unless they do that, unless they talk about what’s hurting them about a situation instead of going into blame and fighting mode then that space is revoked. Positive reinforcement of their true selves. It ain’t about good or bad, but about being real and taking ownership of the consequences of that. It doesn’t matter if people think less of you. Masculinity isn’t a socially reinforced script, it’s something divinely created and it won’t come out until you meet yourself in truth. No one can take away what God created, but they can make it seem so by making you hide parts of yourself. And that’s on no one but you.

I’m not an essay

I’m not gonna let you remodel my reality, my truth just because it makes you feel some typa way. Not now after I’ve spent years and years in pursuit of seeking the truth you’ve been confusing and gaslighting me about.

I didn’t push back then out of love and empathy because that’s all I knew.

I push back now out self-love and authenticity because I know how to now. I’ve found the balance, as I refused being pushed into the other extreme by your neuroticism. I’ve been hurt but I’m not going to lose sight of the truth because of that. Clarity of mind is the only thing that has allowed me to see a way through this smoke.

Visceral loving

Just watched*  A Quiet Place and it spurred intuitive ideas about mothering and divine mothering, that is the archetype of motherhood. Beyond the physical and biological implications of motherhood I thought about the spiritual and emotional capacities. And that’s when I discovered my core gifts : love, security and guidance. Or in other words, nurturing, abundance and understanding. The 3 things I’ve lacked the most in my life. And things are more clear because it makes sense that if I was created with these qualities I had to lead a life of the polarities in order to grow and understand through that intense contrast. And that’s what it’s been for me in the past 13 years. Mothering myself. Trying to understand my empathetic and intuitive gifts. Learning in a highly unusual and heuristic way. Devoting myself to healing.

Just earlier I thought to myself that had I not surrendered to the countless trauma and suffering that’s been piled up back to back, I would remain stuck. It was my willingness to regroup, be introspective, be brutally honest about why I’m in this situation even if others did me wrong, and map things together intuitively that allowed me to be receptive to the divine wisdom. But then again, that’s why Allaah tested me to the extent that He did. He knew I would only become bolder under pressure and if I wasn’t so I wouldn’t be put through the high-pressure cooker that my adult life has been.

I’m just so grateful to come face to face with my core. I never thought this would happen.

 

* this was over 2 months ago and it’s been sitting in my drafts until now for no apparent reason 🙄

God, I got grievances galore

I’m tired. Of not being allowed to feel what I feel about certain people and things. It feels like having to hold in my breath to fit into a pair of really stiff jeans that are 2 sizes too small and having to wear them 24/7, even to sleep.

I ask Allaah : is this what You intended? I just want to know because I’m tired of feeling outside the box and being penalized for it. They say You’ll be displeased if I don’t worship her. Borderline worship. At least that’s how it seems to me. I just want to know, is this right? To feel so tyrannically and forcefully stripped of natural reactions to abnormal interactions? I just want to know.. is it true? It hurts to have been gaslighted all my life. I guess that’s why You made me psychic, as an emergency kit. I’m afraid of being the person she says I am. Am I? And if she can’t see it, or refuses to see it, what am I to do? She feels like the Bermuda triangle. Nothing short of being absorbed into her will do. But I can’t be her shadow without swallowing the darkness. My heart is full of soot. I try to look for the truth, to put my feet to the fire, to rectify myself. You know that. But it comes to a point where I notice it doesn’t matter. My changes don’t even register. It doesn’t matter if I change or don’t change, her stance remains because… she wants me to represent the world she dreamed of and which she envisioned but You prevented from manifesting, and for good reason. I can’t be what You haven’t given to her. And she can’t make me into what You haven’t given to her.

Homesick

People give parents too much credit for the most basic of shit. Like, keeping a child alive for a number of years is a feat? No wonder why people abuse kids. It’s ironic that as kids become adolescent physical punishments tend to cease or slow down at least. But young kids who don’t have strength to defend themselves and are the weakest of humans receive most of the uncalled beatings, just because they are loud or rowdy.

And still people would insist that all parents are divine. Mind you, the reverence and respect for parents is contingent on 2 things : love (rahma) and guidance (tarbiyyah). Children are the biggest amanah, trust, given to parents and all kinds of amaanah are taken very seriously in Islaam. You’ll be asked for the slightest of injustice and oppression you’ve done to your helpless kids- emotional and physical. If a woman entered Hellfire for starving a cat, what do you think of parents who systematically neglect, manipulate, mock, abuse, deceive, beat their children??

Parents are adults who made a choice to rear kids. But kids didn’t choose to be born. They are fragile and should be advocated for more than people harp on about parents. We get it, be dutiful and respectful. That’s an oversaturated topic because parents can remind you and rebuke you if you treat them badly, and they have the standing to do so. But what of a child? Who reminds parents of children’s rights? Who reminds parents to fear Allaah in transgressing the boundaries of the children entrusted to them? Who reminds parents that Allaah has denied Himself oppression, and He holds Himself to the boundaries, so who is anyone to feel above it? Who reminds parents that children are a gift from Allaah and a test to see if they are grateful, therefore they shouldn’t see kids as their property or something they are entitled to. That’s arrogance and dangerously resembles shirk in that one feels like they created and breathed life into this child.

It’s no secret, or perhaps it is, that many mothers abuse their power by manipulating and guilt-tripping their kids, seeing them as extensions of themselves. That’s abhorrent. That a mother meddles in her son’s marriage because she doesn’t like the wife, or that a mother uses her daughter as her narcissistic supply to live vicariously through.

Separate the wheat from the chaff. Parenthood is noble, not because you popped out a child, but because of the seriousness of rearing, loving and shaping a child’s life. And it should be just as criminal as it’s lauded when a parent fails their obligations.

Perhaps it does make sense to see a lost generation when the one before it didn’t rectify themselves, rather they insisted on being right and being obeyed unconditionally.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ بِالْقِسْطِ شُهَدَاءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ الْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالْأَقْرَبِينَ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًا فَاللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا الْهَوَىٰ أَن تَعْدِلُوا وَإِن تَلْوُوا أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا

O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allaah, even though it be against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, be he rich or poor, Allaah is a Better Protector to both (than you). So follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you may avoid justice, and if you distort your witness or refuse to give it, verily, Allaah is Ever Well­ Acquainted with what you do.

(An-Nisa:135)

A dormant presence

I’ve never processed how it feels to be emotionally neglected and abused and abandoned as a child, a teen and a young adult.

Things are coming full circle, as I’m exiting my 20s next year. Things I thought would disappear if they got resolved by others, are knocking on my heart. I asked for this. I asked to welcome all the homecoming chickens. I don’t want to be entangled forever with ghosts of my pasts that haunt me wherever I go, yet I’m totally powerless because I never stopped to feel that pain I wanted someone to love away.

I stubbornly rejected the truth that no one can love away a pain I refuse to feel. I didn’t think I could survive that kind of pain, because I’d disappear into thin air. I feel as if I’m held together by make-believe and wishful thinking and a reality that I tinkered with as a 4,5,6 year old, as if it were Play-doh or Legos.

I simply don’t know what to do in a world where I never was met. Will I be able to meet myself? To be actively present?

The only thing that gives me incentive to push forth is Allaah. I ask Him for existential fulfillment and to be there for me, where my parents absolutely failed.

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