True love never compensates

Beware of love bombing. Beware of the swiftness with which the love-starved wounds you’ve tucked away from your consciousness will shackle you to anyone who throws you love crumbs. Beware of the way you talk to yourself one day finding allegiance in a loved one you’ll be heartbroken by to hear those same words in that same cadence echoed back to you. Beware of all the ways you’ve relinquished the responsibility to protect your soul from fragmentations, to the external reality that has no recourse but to fragment you.

Beware of the way your visceral and automatic feelings unconsciously drive and sabotage your decisions.

Beware of the neural highway to hell you’ve created from habitually ignoring and denigrating your very real pain because giving it your attention inconveniences you. Beware of the fantastic facade you keep choosing over your very simple and enough self.

Friendship manifesto

*wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar = we have nothing to say to each other.

If you’re using our interaction as an escape from presence – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to control or predict my emotional range so that you can remain a step ahead – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to gaslight or downplay my detection of your inconsistencies or incongruence- I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you withhold how you truly feel because you fear how I may respond to that and instead you look for ways to ambush me or project on me without implicating your vulnerable feelings – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you are more concerned with feeling like a good friend than figuring out whether you actually are a good friend – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you override what you know about me with your suspicions or projections to avoid remaining present with whatever you feel threatened by – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re going to deflect or deny what I’m intuitively picking up from you and consciously choose to put up a wall instead of engaging me – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you expect me to write off your actions because of your original intentions as if your uncommunicated intentions trumps the consequences of your actions – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you don’t want your feet held to the fire – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more bothered with criticism than you are about the emotional impact of your inconsiderate behaviour – I’m sorry,wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’ve pre-set the extent to which you want this interaction to expand and grow – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more concerned with controlling how I perceive you than you are with reflecting on what I mirror back to you – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you show kindness or tolerate my annoying shit because you want that to be a credit to deflect or defend a future conflict – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you think that the reason I’m being patient with you or holding space for you or having understanding for you is due to something you did to deserve that – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

In short, if you don’t want my unconditional, unpredictable, uncensored, unmitigated presence and expression – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

This is not to rebuke these behaviours and proclivities because we’re all on different phases and journeys, but just a clarification of the type of space I need to thrive.

I’ve made peace with the war

You know, sometimes I be hesitating about speaking about the truth that I see because people are so used to attacks and being denigrated that any uncomfortable truth can seem and feel unsafe. And I’ve never been one to put what I see is right above people feeling right. I don’t even think I function according to what I feel is right. I always approach things with an empty vessel and a curiosity to be filled with the truth. And it’s difficult when so much information isn’t true information, isn’t information gained through an empty vessel but information that’s been diluted with whatever is full of that individual vessel. And instead of communicating the understanding of the thing, people end up signalling what flavour of the thing they have. They conflate their interpretation of the appearance and surface of something as being the intuitive essence of that thing. They conflate their interpretation with the meaning behind what they are seeing.

And so, having been caught up in that tumult and trying not to make things worse, I ended up becoming invisible and keeping things to myself. I ended up internalizing people’s reactions and letting people’s perception define my intention. Alright, alright, I don’t wanna fight.

But I’ve come to know that people just lash out without really trying to understand your unique pov. So I had to start to trust myself and my integrity to know that I’m not a monster or a bully. I’m not trying to sell my ideas. And most importantly, my vantage point is empathy. Even when I’m pointing seemingly scathing things out it’s always with the holistic essence in mind. As in, I start by assuming that the person or situation started out wholesome and that in essence it’s wholesome but the actions are egregious. So my approach is always two-fold : to understand and connect with the non-verbal feeling that underpins the motivation for the bad deed, and to show why the roots of the deed is egregious. This, by not centering my own feelings or how it affects me personally, but how breaking away from the whole will never produce the intended results.

In other words, I attempt to show people the naked truth and how it’s really not good so that they can know that there’s a better reality that’s easier to access and comes with less struggle. I attempt to show that the pain and fear that makes people want to fight the world can be healed, for good. That it’s possible to not always live from the angle of that pain or fear.

I want the truth to be liberating for people, not damning.

At the risk of being foolishly in love

My hope is never in what my eyes see. Maybe that’s why Ya’qoub became blind with grief; his eyes became tired of hoping in a reality they couldn’t see. I don’t know how I know but I need to protect that inner knowing, even if I seem weird or far out. Even if I lose face or lose my mind, I mustn’t lose that inner knowing.

Pimpin’ the world

Pain forces us to look for love, and that’s something the ego tries to feign it doesn’t need because love doesn’t need anything and thus isn’t transactional. So it pretends others need it through what one does for others that garner appreciation or companionship. But anything built on transactions is conditional. And what’s conditional confines the spirit, and it’s these confines and mental structures created ad hoc that block the innate abundance of the cosmos that God has already perfected in creating. Pain then is often the spirit being fed up with being complacent with the lies of the ego and the lies of the world, and needs connection with the transpersonal. That’s what love is, transpersonal. It makes us transcend our ego and connect to others on a higher plane. Problem is that most want to be on the receiving end of that kind of transcendental and unconditional love whilst being entrenched in the comfort and predictability of the ego. When that doesn’t happen or when one’s unconscious blocks makes one susceptible to the manipulation of charlatans promising you a home delivery of heaven, people decry love and vulnerability and dismiss it as a sham.

No, you are a sham and a scam. You want to discover the existence of the cosmos and you want it to be within your comfort zone. Something has got to give. And you have got to start questioning your perception and narratives more often instead of cementing the world in your negative experiences and making the cosmos a fossil of your pain.

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