Bargains

When the truth is too difficult and burdensome to accept fully it can be tempting to start doubting your perception, to start fiddling with the configurations, to adapt to less than optimal conditions as a tradeoff for remaining in the shadows. But reducing your brightness level on your consciousness to allow you to remain comfortably numb entails a disintegration of your reality, a fragmentation of your life force. You’re inviting neurosis by refusing to accept your truth unconditionally or to try to warp it to protect your ego.

I’ve let you go

I’ve been burnt. My heart has been burnt beyond recognition by the illusion of love it held on to.

2015 was a year of betrayal,hurt,emotional abuse. But I’ll remember it by my resilience in the grips of terror, the unwavering hope in the face of betrayal, the sobering self-awareness in the midst of a pity party where victim mentality tried to lure me off my journey like the Pied Piper.

I refused to have my life framed by troubled individuals who went through life like emotional zombies, constantly inflicting on others the wounds that killed them. I refused to relinquish my personal power by absolving myself of fault. I had attracted these vultures to my camp, but how?

The how led me to discover unsavory truths about myself. But it was only after retrieving those lessons and finding acceptance that I was able to move on. Or else I’d be stuck like an emotional zombie, neither living nor dead.

I really don’t know if love will find me, ever. But I’m giving up all kinds of non-loves,half-truths, illusionary connections. I can’t. I’d rather sit by myself, in peace, than have my precious energies snatched and cut into pieces by deceptive individuals who fear the fire yet keep playing with it to prove their bravery.

The only bravery is to live fearlessly with an exposed heart that is ridden with scars and love and love again without guarantee.

The only bravery is to sit with your fears and sorrows in silence.

Betrayal

وَلَوْ نَشَاء لَأَرَيْنَاكَهُمْ فَلَعَرَفْتَهُم بِسِيمَاهُمْ وَلَتَعْرِفَنَّهُمْ فِي لَحْنِ الْقَوْلِ وَالله يَعْلَمُ أَعْمَالَكُمْ

“Had We willed, We could have shown them to you, and you should have known them by their marks, but surely, you will know them by the tone of their speech! And Allâh knows all your deeds. “
(Muhammad 47:30)

You think you can hide behind a facade, behind slick words and playing your cards right. But Allaah knows what you hide in your heart, and who you are in the dead of the night when you remove your mask. You think you can betray people, but your heart will betray you. You can hide a corpse but you can’t hide the stench.

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