My hope is never in what my eyes see. Maybe that’s why Ya’qoub became blind with grief; his eyes became tired of hoping in a reality they couldn’t see. I don’t know how I know but I need to protect that inner knowing, even if I seem weird or far out. Even if I lose face or lose my mind, I mustn’t lose that inner knowing.
Hopelessness is due to not feeling love, or loved. Love gives empaths the will to live and fight.
I need a heart to feel complete
Surrendering to Allaah entails that you refuse to surrender or succumb to any other reality, construct or condition.
Hopelessness is caused by a subtle shirk of attributing effect to a confounding circumstance, instead of Allaah.
يَا بَنِيَّ اذْهَبُوا فَتَحَسَّسُوا مِن يُوسُفَ وَأَخِيهِ وَلَا تَيْأَسُوا مِن رَّوْحِ اللَّهِ إِنَّهُ لَا يَيْأَسُ مِن رَّوْحِ اللَّهِ إِلَّا الْقَوْمُ الْكَافِرُونَ
O my sons, go and find out about Joseph and his brother and despair not of relief from Allah. Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.”
I affirm the wahdaaniyya (وحدانية) of Allaah in the depths of my existential depression and the threatening darkness around me. I ask Allaah to make firm in my heart the certainty that divine relief is coming.
It’s heartbreaking and heartwrenching to start to hope again for the things that you’ve always longed for but always left hurt and disappointed by. To rebuild the courage to turn the hope in the direction of Allaah, carefully scooping up the frail wishes nestled deep in my heart and give them a second chance by surrendering them to the care of Allaah, is terrifying. A lifelong buildup of fear, dread, dejection, self-hate is a valley of death and to cross it is like crossing the red sea. Only, Allaah can part that abyss, but first I have to remain in the liminal space between my worst fears and my hope. Just because something isn’t real doesn’t make the impact it has any less real. In fact, illusions are hyper real because everything depends on others believing they are real. The boogeyman is very real in a child’s mind, regardless of how much a parent may try to explain there’s nothing under the bed.
And the nature of illusions to take the form of whatever you hold dear is what makes it so difficult to break out of. You need a lot of faith to ground your heart and keep you from being sucked into the maelstrom of illusions and fears and worst case scenarios.
It’s not so much that we don’t know that these things aren’t real, we do. But when you’re in the eye of the storm, what you know isn’t accessible to you. Your mind isn’t helpful in the least. It’s good for managing life, but it’s as useless as a computer that is asked existential questions. Beyond words, beyond structure, beyond thought, beyond the realm of what’s known, only the heart can aid you. Because only the heart communicates with the only one who knows everything and is capable of everything : Allaah
I’ve spent years tearing down the old, with faith as my makeshift structure, to see me through the familiar raining down on me. Confetti of chaos.
I now start building with intentions of hope holding together the bricks I created from the depths of me. I don’t know what shape these bricks will take on but I know it’ll be an evolution of me.
How do you know it’ll come true? What if it never does actualize, after all this time of you holding your heart open to something? Haha, your feelings are so fickle
the cunning voice whispered, taunting me with things to poke hole in my heart’s truth. Its been the recycled rhetoric to keep my passion in check and to deflate my drive. How am I to prove something before I even have a chance to let it sink in?
Tonight I broke free by retorting
Regardless of outcome, I know what I feel in my heart and what resonates with me and I don’t need it to manifest before my eyes for me to know what’s real. This is the reality of my heart and what happens henceforth I leave to Allaah with the hope that it will manifest in my physical reality. I don’t have control over outcomes or the fate I encounter on the paths I choose. That is in the realm of Allaah which I will not overstep, and I trust His wisdom and discernment.