Doesn’t seem right

Don’t expect people to see you the way God sees you when they are willfully unconscious of the fact that God sees them! Someone judging you through a warped lens is worse off than you because though you know that their judgment is warped, they clearly don’t. Their self-assurance can’t afford spotting distortion, so they’ll twist everything else, including themselves, like a pretzel so that they don’t have an ego meltdown.

Leave them be. Don’t bother explaining anything or defending yourself. Know your truth and let others have the prerogative to choose their perception. They can’t override the divine order which favours truth and humility.

Live a little at last

You can’t grow or heal without love. That love starts by realizing that you were created with intention and divinity. Anything that happens to you is in a measured fashion and with wisdom to bring you to your highest good. Also, blaming yourself and shaming yourself for what you find difficult to do or are unable to do will only make things worse. Being harsh on yourself is not a solution! Understand that the reality you’ve been indoctrinated in isn’t based on truth, it’s based on competition and power. You have to find your own truth through understanding that all your experiences were valid and had a distinct purpose. Understand that you were never meant to be perfect, because perfection doesn’t evolve. It just is. Only when you revisit your perceptual filters and mindsets can you see what version of reality you’re tuned into. And that can only happen through love because you will need to surrender to God’s mercy and truth and hope. You won’t know everything and you don’t need to know everything. You just need to remain in the present with whatever is in your capability to handle.

Turn to stone

I’m learning that there’s a world of difference between surviving and thriving.

Surviving is adapting to an environment of scarcity and lack in order to conserve and preserve one’s limitations, like a cactus.

Thriving is unlocking innate abundance to create a synergistic environment, like an ecosystem.

Unsteady

Often before you can start to heal you go through a period of time where all your effort goes to ‘stopping the bleeding’ of your wound. You put all your life force into not being drained by this gaping hole in your psyche that trauma left. You have to keep things stable and still. You can’t afford the disintegration and uncertainty that healing entails. Not yet. And know that it’s important and that it’s like the paramedics trying to keep you alive until the doctors and nurses can tend to you. It’s not failure if it took you a long while to get to a point where you started opening up to your pain. Things couldn’t have gone any differently or faster without compromising your sanity and wellbeing. You have to grow into a place of healing because it can be brutal. It’s not about fixing pain or banishing darkness. You have to go deep into the darkness, deep into the pain to discover the hidden light lodged inside the experiences and your emotional body. It’s more of a rebirth through dying to everything you’re not. The healing is painful until the very last part where it’s not. Where you’re born anew.

So don’t beat yourself up about it. Most people never even get to a place where they want to acknowledge that they aren’t ok, or it’s simply too risky to open up to healing and the best they can do is shut down parts of themselves, living a diminished life. Most of our parents are like that. We aren’t meant to make them happy by living out their unfulfilled dreams, but to feel out their unhealed parts we inherited by being deprived of the love and light that is trapped in those sealed off parts of them. The parts that hurt us, that had us doubt ourselves. We do best by embodying what it means to heal and that there is a life beyond the disintegration, that the risks are well worth it.

If you’re in it, if you’re open to it, if you’re anxiously searching for it it’s because Allaah started you on this journey long before you were cognizant of what was happening. He’s the one who provided you with the ability to see through your fears, to know your deepest feelings even through the dense layers of doubt. So if you’re aware, it’s because what you’re aware of is ready to pop out. It’s done. You don’t need to do anything but stay present, just like you don’t need to do anything when you’re pregnant but just be pregnant. Allaah is breathing life and spirit into your life, and your heart is the womb of your soul.

4th system

The internet is chock-full with disillusioned people who conflate finding clarity about a pathology with finding a pathology is clarity.

It’s like they think if they crush the mirrors and dress the distress in words, somehow that will transmute the object of these refracting and reflecting and fractal and fragmented energies.

It won’t. You can continue until you’ve ascended into a new dimension of the English language, but this isn’t about the mind or the external world. The roots are out of reach of mental gymnastics and mazes. It can only be accessed and healed by meeting it sans resistance and expectations. Letting it change you as much as you want to change it. Let the truth be the mediator.

But that won’t happen because the truth brings out what’s in the shadows, and it’s what’s in the shadows that we fight so desperately to project on the Other.

You done cooked the books on your soul

​Your personal power, what fuels you, what drives you comes from your emotions. Emotions are energy. Energy that you can gain or drain. 

Growing up you, like the overwhelming majority of humans, probably gave away a lot of your energies ( yes, energies) by attaching importance or significance to external events or individuals. We do this to feel safe, to fit in, or simply because the world is filled with energy vampires who prey on people.

So, someone bullied you. Zap.

You were molested. Zap

You witnessed your father physically abusing your mum. Zap

You got into drugs to avoid your hell for life. Zap

These are pretty extreme scenarios, and the thing about what pains us is that it isn’t quantifiable. Someone who went through all of the above may be more resilient than someone whose biggest trauma was parents divorcing. 
No pain can or should be belittled because there are many factors that need to be accounted for when trying to gauge someone’s reaction to emotional distress. 
Anyhoo I digress. 

So we grow up, sans these metrics of energies we were zapped of.  Let’s switch the analogy to monetary value to make it easier to picture. 

You were born with a whole soul, with your talents and unique quirks and creativity. Say the sum total of that is $100 000.
Everything that has impacted you negatively and which you avoid costs money. 
That bully? Got $1300 of yours.
The molester? Pocketed $20 000

Your father? A cool $30 000
Each of these events hold cluster of emotional disturbances like PTSD or phobias or anger issues. And these symptoms, with time, spawn secondary disturbances. 

All of this is landing on your emotional bill until you go into overdraft.
What happens then? You don’t have motivation. You don’t know what you like. You’re a people pleaser and as such attract toxic people into your life. You’re stuck in a dead end job you hate but can’t quit because it’s all you have. You believe that you’re inherently a fuckup. 

Deep down you know that your God given wealth was robbed. You know where those sharks are. But going down that path to face conflict and suppressed pain and an upheaval of your status quo isn’t worth it, you think. 
But in life, you have to have cash in your emotional bank. So what do you do to get by? Why, borrow from loan sharks of course! 
Manipulative and deceptive people who lend you attention, love, company in exchange for being their shadow. That dead end job that lends you security in exchange for your hopes and dreams. 

Because speaking your mind costs.

Because risking for what you desire costs.

Because love and joy and trust cost.

Because self acceptance costs.
But nah, it’s easier to make your energies rain like confetti. Right?

You’re not realizing that you meet your demons on the path you took to avoid them. And when you do, they’ll take you hostage because you’re not prepared to go into battle. At the slightest sign of conflict, you have your white flag out, waving it frantically as if your life depended on it. Because you *do* feel that your life depends on it. You feel that you have no choice over what happens to you. You believe that you were simply dealt a bad card in life. 
These narratives you hold dear because they give you the alibi you need escaping the crime scene that is your life’s work. 

“Embracing one’s wholeness makes life more demanding–because once you do that, you must live your whole life. One of the most painful discoveries I made in the midst of the dark woods of depression was that a part of me wanted to stay depressed. As long as I clung to this living death, life became easier; little was expected of me, certainly not serving others.” 

Parker J. Palmer (Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation)

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