Being present with this pain feels like having meaning tattooed on my soul. This pain aint in vain, it flows in my veins, piercing out through the soles of my feet. I won’t accept defeat.
Creativity helps bring out the moon and the stars in the darkness of the world. The darkness is benevolent and meant to lull you into a restful sleep. It’s just that tricksters and those with poor conscience take cover in the night, taking advantage of it.
It takes a whole lot of creativity to find a way out of vicious cycles of toxicity; it’s called healing. Life’s too beautiful and Allaah is too amazing to let the limited evil loom large enough to cover your horizon. Nothing is worth losing sight of a clear coast.
When I ask to be saved, when I ask for redemption, it’s not from this pain but from the reality that gave rise to it. From a loveless, deceptive world.
Because I used to fear isolation and being ostracized, I came to fear my feelings or more specifically, I’d fear the implications of having feelings that put me at odds with those around me. So I came to seek comfort in validation because it was killing 2 birds with 1 stone ; I got to escape the tension arising from my inner conflict of navigating a world that was do dialectically opposed to me, and I got my existential fear of being stranded quelled by the lack of resistance from others ( i. e. acceptance).
Of course, the struggle and tension didn’t leave me just because I left me. It became even more volatile and threatening, spurring more inauthenticity and people pleasing in a bid to flee myself. I didn’t want to bear the burden of potentially alienating others because of me.
I suffered the consequences of seeking harbour in others and I lived through the flipside of being accepted ; enslavement. I was effectively emotionally enslaved, both by my rejection of self that made it impossible to be autonomous and the constant existential threat embodied in social acceptance and belonging. It took me years to dig my way out of this because it was like hopping from the frying pan into the fire. Not only did I have to deal with my own existential crisis, but I had to be a mule for others emotions and issues. I became entangled in so much toxicity and I realized that the type of people who’d accept giving me harbour were the polar opposite of my dysfunction. They were the aggressors and those wielding and hoarding power to use people like me. I really learnt a lot in those dynamics and it was as close to hell as I could get on earth. It was the contrast I needed to endure my own tension and battles.
Now I seek comfort in accepting and validating my feelings even if doing this alienates others. It just means that those who are deterred by my authentic feelings are fundamentally incompatible with me and moving away from people whose energy resist me gives me the world I need to truly thrive and be amongst those who resonate with me.