A dog-eat-dog world is cannibalistic

Because I used to fear isolation and being ostracized, I came to fear my feelings or more specifically, I’d fear the implications of having feelings that put me at odds with those around me. So I came to seek comfort in validation because it was killing 2 birds with 1 stone ; I got to escape the tension arising from my inner conflict of navigating a world that was do dialectically opposed to me, and I got my existential fear of being stranded quelled by the lack of resistance from others ( i. e. acceptance).

Of course, the struggle and tension didn’t leave me just because I left me. It became even more volatile and threatening, spurring more inauthenticity and people pleasing in a bid to flee myself. I didn’t want to bear the burden of potentially alienating others because of me.

I suffered the consequences of seeking harbour in others and I lived through the flipside of being accepted ; enslavement. I was effectively emotionally enslaved, both by my rejection of self that made it impossible to be autonomous and the constant existential threat embodied in social acceptance and belonging. It took me years to dig my way out of this because it was like hopping from the frying pan into the fire. Not only did I have to deal with my own existential crisis, but I had to be a mule for others emotions and issues. I became entangled in so much toxicity and I realized that the type of people who’d accept giving me harbour were the polar opposite of my dysfunction. They were the aggressors and those wielding and hoarding power to use people like me. I really learnt a lot in those dynamics and it was as close to hell as I could get on earth. It was the contrast I needed to endure my own tension and battles.

Now I seek comfort in accepting and validating my feelings even if doing this alienates others. It just means that those who are deterred by my authentic feelings are fundamentally incompatible with me and moving away from people whose energy resist me gives me the world I need to truly thrive and be amongst those who resonate with me.

Tears of redemption

Tawakul transmutes coping mechanisms and it feels like dying in a nightmare and startling awake just before your soul leaves your breath. Tawheed crucifies the ego.

Premeditated suffering

When you internalize your core wounds which usually are the initial blows to your psyche as a child, you rearrange your existential instincts that you came into being with and instead of evolution you become committed to protection. You can’t survive and thrive at the same time. And this is a good thing because if you’re underdeveloped and overpowered then it’s not a good idea to punch up.

But what happens when you outgrow the threats to where it’s possible to challenge your original beliefs around the existential woundings? Because if you’ve created a base commitment to protection then that means that you believe that reality is fixed and that healing is impossible. So you do what you can with what you have. However, this also means that when the opportunity for healing and growing into a more harmonious reality avails itself you’ll vehemently reject it because it’s not a possibility in your mind. You’ve so identified with the poison that you’re threatened by the antidote for fear that this would provoke even more poison. Though you’re no longer that child, your subconscious is still acting on the best interests of that helpless child you once were. And that means that you’re perpetually overpowered and there’s no possibility of being free. That fixed protection system came into existence for a specific purpose and that’s all it knows how to do.

There comes a time where you have to shed the exoskeleton and you’ll be attacked by your own psyche – not unlike an autoimmune disease. And you have to stand your ground long enough to gain immunity through reinjury. This self-annihilation pits the ego against the calcified wounds, stimulating a process of spiritual alchemy that transmutes you into a higher self which essentially is your soul potential or self-actualization.

So your wounds aren’t a block in your evolution, they are actually divinely assigned to trigger this intense process.

One chapter does not a book make

I was watching something that triggered the biggest epiphany I’ve had in a while that I want to make people feel safe so that they have space to dream ✨

That’s my calling and what I really really really really love doing with all my heart. I love supporting and soothing people. That’s why I share my writing. And all of a sudden my life experiences make sense… surviving a wide spectrum of things has made it possible for me to empathize with different people going through different things. It’s like… my heart is a nexus that connects and supports a huge network of people who suffer silently or who feel unable to move past their trauma.

It’s painful and so heavy just thinking back on the timeline.. It wasn’t just about what happened but the intensity and impact of the experiences really felt like I was suffering to heal on behalf of many people. One of the most impactful intuitive downloads I had was back in 2007 when I was in the middle of what would later become complex ptsd and I was just 17. I had no context or understanding for what was happening nor was anyone else and I had tried my very best for a year and a half at that point, to no avail. I was on the brink of giving up all efforts, throwing in the towel when I got a strong voice in me that said hold on, Allaah is preparing you for something great. Many people are depending on you. And I saw a hill and on top of that hill was 2017. But it was all so incredibly fast that I didn’t analyze the specifics. I was just left with the emotional impact of that voice. Whenever I was giving up I’d remember that voice and I’d literally keep trying for the sake of humanity. I didn’t have enough will for myself but I was very sensitive and connected to others and it was easier to conjure will to live so that I can help people in a truly efficient way. I mean, since the age of 17-18 I’d play a counselor role of trying to understand people. I remember I’d analyze people in my diary, drawing up profiles of people in my life and trying to decipher my hunch or intuition. I was extremely curious and just open to absorb. I could be going through the worst, be suicidal and someone could just appear sad and I’d be like what’s wrong. Some of it was to escape my own pain and I struggled a lot with codependency, but the core of it was a genuine passion. I just thought that by focusing on others I could bypass my own shit which I dreaded like nobody’s binez. Of course, it took me too long to discover that that’s not how things go down smh.

Part of why I’d dread my own pain was that I didn’t have a single person who could understand me and support me the way I needed. I was that person to everyone else. So I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps and that meant teaching myself. I have probably spent the equivalent of THREE PhDs on self-discovery, and that’s no hyperbole! I had to if I wanted to live. I realized that if I didn’t find the will to live, I’d be consumed by the wounds and trauma. I was already beset by the physical and neurological damage from my suicide attempts so I knew what time it was. Allaah has been my teacher. That alone made everything worth it. I knew that actualizing my soul’s passion meant a lot of sacrifice and divine tests but that was the only worthwhile thing I could live for. Allaah.

It’s been so beautiful. Getting to know Allaah through my darkest and scariest moments has made my bond to Him be beyond my akhirah and my worship. He’s my lifeline. He’s saved me through countless miracles. I’ve seen things that no one can imagine and experienced things that no one can explain. My heart is beyond convinced. And that’s what made everything else pale in comparison. No amount of trauma can overcome yaqeen.

At ease

Women are afraid to feel. If there’s one thing I want to contribute to this world is help women feel. The emptiness, the transgenerational epigenetic inheritance of shame and codependency. The self-betrayal, commitment to self-fulfilling prophecies in lieu of dreams.

People want to heal. They just don’t know how. I want to be the how bi idnillaah..in whatever capacity Allaah puts me.

Doesn’t seem right

Don’t expect people to see you the way God sees you when they are willfully unconscious of the fact that God sees them! Someone judging you through a warped lens is worse off than you because though you know that their judgment is warped, they clearly don’t. Their self-assurance can’t afford spotting distortion, so they’ll twist everything else, including themselves, like a pretzel so that they don’t have an ego meltdown.

Leave them be. Don’t bother explaining anything or defending yourself. Know your truth and let others have the prerogative to choose their perception. They can’t override the divine order which favours truth and humility.

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