Wordless suffering

This really made me think. People don’t talk about the kids despite them being the most exposed and exploited and powerless. It’s like all activism is secondary, it’s an offshoot of whatever an individual expresses ; the louder the shriek the more help one gets. It’s deeply worrying that the criteria is in this way because often those most wounded are the most silent. I think the reason people aren’t able to tap into unspoken trauma is that it requires a passage through the unresolved traumas of one’s childhood. It’s impossible to help a child, yours or another’s, more deeply than your connection to your inner child.

And this circles back around to what I often conclude; that your healing is more than just an individual’s healing, it’s the permanent opening of a portal where the divine and the deeply human can integrate. That is, where people can finally see the Hand of God that is often obscured by trauma-bonding in a society hyperfocused on scarcity and survival.

Where time is buried

I’ve been telling myself it’s gonna be ok ever since Saturday. Haven’t been out of bed except for going to the bathroom. Had a major flashback that made me realize a huge theme in my earlier trauma that was playing out in my behaviour in a way that truly shocked me. It knocked the wind out of me. Within minutes of the realization I became drowsy with sleep as is normal of cptsd (complex ptsd) triggers. Knocked out for hours. Felt like a rag doll. No movement. No will. Just frozen in shock. Like I had been playing in the dark and someone switched the lights on. Things became real in a way they never have.

I don’t know how to explain how this feels because I don’t know how much of this is my cptsd and how much is just normal. It’s all normal to me. Anyway, the mantra. Everytime light flooded that room, the one in whose darkness I’d previously seek refuge, I’d just calm myself down. That’s all I have left. I’ve spent years turning every stone and corner and page in a bid to piece my infinite fragmented psyche together, and now the image was.. much to my chagrin.

It’s gonna be okay. Because even though I have no idea what would happen to me henceforth, I know Allaah knows. I know He’d make it ok because for the first time I’m actually confident in having done my due diligence. I have hope Allaah would acknowledge my hard self work and just… I don’t even know the form of what I’m seeking. But having seen my coping system in its entirety, I think I’m finally ready to let go of form and let divine redemption find my focus.

The irony. In search of myself all these years only to disperse all my pieces in the place I found all of me.

Going back to infinity

No healing can take place when disconnected or dissociated from the entry wound. It may take a long while before you’ll be able to return to the crime scene, the impact crater. It’s a time travel through pain, so don’t feel worried or ashamed if you’re unable to just yet. Focus on making contact with this moment before you think about your existential radius. Try to offload your mind because the more you press it to figure out what it’s not equipped to do, you create more fragmentation and trauma. The stillness of one moment reconnects you to your essence, and your essence is always connected to the divine.

The point is, the longer you can remain present without forcing, the more you’ll come together inside. Healing is about the process to make all of you return to your core after a trauma your mind wasn’t equipped for dispersed your presence and anchorage in your body. Your spirit was evacuated because your body was flooded with stress hormones which are like constant missiles flying overhead and never ending sirens.

You don’t have to fix or figure anything out to be ok again. You don’t have to trauma-proof the world to feel safe again. When you learn to feel safe in your body, you won’t have to rely on your mind keeping guard. You’ll be full of love and you’ll be able to withstand anything because of that strong inner presence. Nothing can budge that or destroy that. You’re still hopeful and aware, despite all the trauma and hopeless nights. That’s all the proof you need; you’ve survived this long without active healing. Imagine what devoting yourself to bringing all of you back to your body would do and mean?

Love is on the other side of pain

Pain is a disruption of emotional harmony (emotional balance). Resisting or repressing the pain adds more blockages and takes you farther away from internal homeostasis. The only way to dissolve this is by centering your focus in the heart through presence and relaxation, and the momentum of the flow of love that creates and upholds the homeostasis will return things to a balance. It’s an act of non-action which is so difficult to understand because it seems oversimplified and counterintuitive to what we know.

But it’s important to realize that love isn’t a human commodity. It’s divine providence and the only way to receive more is to feel more, because more feeling= a more open heart.

Sign the dotted line

I can accommodate for you but I can’t make my mental health adapt to your convenience. If a last-minute cancelation annoys you more than you’re concerned for the anxiety attack that made me do it, then I’m sorry to tell you that there will probably be many such inconveniences in the future ; changing my mind, wanting to be alone, not being able to finish an assignment, backing out of a project, ending a trip early. I’ve tried to discipline my mental disorders and regulate the attacks so that I can work around having to clash with commitments and expectations. It was not only impossible but it was deeply unfair to myself and traumatized me further and deeper. I was effectively telling myself that I didn’t matter and that it’s normal and ok for others to not be understanding and empathetic. I shouldered the guilt on top of everything else.

So now, this is where I stand : my mental health issues are just a symptom of adapting to a toxic system. The more that I can care and hold space for my sensitivities and vulnerabilities, the more efficient and proactive I can be. When the weakest link in me is protected, all of me is protected and anyone who finds that ridiculous is someone I don’t want to mingle with. Period. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about being a considerate human being who can make space for other than one’s ego. Someone who’s unable to transcend their base desires and neurotic habits of controlling others and the weather is someone I’m fundamentally incompatible with.

So it follows..

Being present with this pain feels like having meaning tattooed on my soul. This pain aint in vain, it flows in my veins, piercing out through the soles of my feet. I won’t accept defeat.

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