Going back to infinity

No healing can take place when disconnected or dissociated from the entry wound. It may take a long while before you’ll be able to return to the crime scene, the impact crater. It’s a time travel through pain, so don’t feel worried or ashamed if you’re unable to just yet. Focus on making contact with this moment before you think about your existential radius. Try to offload your mind because the more you press it to figure out what it’s not equipped to do, you create more fragmentation and trauma. The stillness of one moment reconnects you to your essence, and your essence is always connected to the divine.

The point is, the longer you can remain present without forcing, the more you’ll come together inside. Healing is about the process to make all of you return to your core after a trauma your mind wasn’t equipped for dispersed your presence and anchorage in your body. Your spirit was evacuated because your body was flooded with stress hormones which are like constant missiles flying overhead and never ending sirens.

You don’t have to fix or figure anything out to be ok again. You don’t have to trauma-proof the world to feel safe again. When you learn to feel safe in your body, you won’t have to rely on your mind keeping guard. You’ll be full of love and you’ll be able to withstand anything because of that strong inner presence. Nothing can budge that or destroy that. You’re still hopeful and aware, despite all the trauma and hopeless nights. That’s all the proof you need; you’ve survived this long without active healing. Imagine what devoting yourself to bringing all of you back to your body would do and mean?

Love is on the other side of pain

Pain is a disruption of emotional harmony (emotional balance). Resisting or repressing the pain adds more blockages and takes you farther away from internal homeostasis. The only way to dissolve this is by centering your focus in the heart through presence and relaxation, and the momentum of the flow of love that creates and upholds the homeostasis will return things to a balance. It’s an act of non-action which is so difficult to understand because it seems oversimplified and counterintuitive to what we know.

But it’s important to realize that love isn’t a human commodity. It’s divine providence and the only way to receive more is to feel more, because more feeling= a more open heart.

Sign the dotted line

I can accommodate for you but I can’t make my mental health adapt to your convenience. If a last-minute cancelation annoys you more than you’re concerned for the anxiety attack that made me do it, then I’m sorry to tell you that there will probably be many such inconveniences in the future ; changing my mind, wanting to be alone, not being able to finish an assignment, backing out of a project, ending a trip early. I’ve tried to discipline my mental disorders and regulate the attacks so that I can work around having to clash with commitments and expectations. It was not only impossible but it was deeply unfair to myself and traumatized me further and deeper. I was effectively telling myself that I didn’t matter and that it’s normal and ok for others to not be understanding and empathetic. I shouldered the guilt on top of everything else.

So now, this is where I stand : my mental health issues are just a symptom of adapting to a toxic system. The more that I can care and hold space for my sensitivities and vulnerabilities, the more efficient and proactive I can be. When the weakest link in me is protected, all of me is protected and anyone who finds that ridiculous is someone I don’t want to mingle with. Period. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about being a considerate human being who can make space for other than one’s ego. Someone who’s unable to transcend their base desires and neurotic habits of controlling others and the weather is someone I’m fundamentally incompatible with.

So it follows..

Being present with this pain feels like having meaning tattooed on my soul. This pain aint in vain, it flows in my veins, piercing out through the soles of my feet. I won’t accept defeat.

A comforting perspective

Creativity helps bring out the moon and the stars in the darkness of the world. The darkness is benevolent and meant to lull you into a restful sleep. It’s just that tricksters and those with poor conscience take cover in the night, taking advantage of it.

It takes a whole lot of creativity to find a way out of vicious cycles of toxicity; it’s called healing. Life’s too beautiful and Allaah is too amazing to let the limited evil loom large enough to cover your horizon. Nothing is worth losing sight of a clear coast.

Give me a chance

When I ask to be saved, when I ask for redemption, it’s not from this pain but from the reality that gave rise to it. From a loveless, deceptive world.

No more posts.