Cold is shocking

October has been so painful. Ayeeyo, detox/withdrawal, readjustment, feeling all my numbed trauma that my meds helped keep at bay… Whenever I go out I find myself having to make an effort not to burst out in tears in the middle of the street. And every step feels like the last step before I collapse.

It’s one thing to dissociate from pain, to create distractions. But to have it rain down on you while you sit there, with no where to hide or run..

I was the primary caretaker of ayeeyo for the past 3 years bc I shared room with her and that gave me structure and something to do. And now everything is a void. Absolutely everything. And yet it’s not? I feel a fullness that I’m trying to ground, for the first time ever in my life. As if I’m coming home with a newborn baby without having prepared anything for it. No crib or nothing.

I feel like my legs are lined with embers. I know it passes and I’m grateful for all the wisdom I’ve gained from my healing bc it’s the only thing keeping me calm and collected. I know it’s an ugly storm but I know its function and I know it’s benevolent and I know it’ll get better.

But gosh. Having to create new neural pathways when the old, trauma-laden ones threaten you with a repeat of the past 14 years…

You know what I hate the most? I’ve had to figure this shit out completely on my own all through my late teens and all of my 20s, battling it secretly, patiently. And when people get a whiff of it, they’re quick to throw words like smothering a fire with a blanket. I know those words are borne from restlessness and a knee-jerk reaction to seeing others in pain. But those words, had I taken them in, would have smothered ME, for I was the fire and I needed to burn down. I did.

Anyway, I count the weeks. This is 6.

It’s not a science, it’s a séance

You can’t be an idea. You can’t bring an idea to life when that idea is still a thought form. It needs to dissolve into your heart so that every iota of your being can receive it, not unlike the blood pumped by the heart.

Idea is oxygen. Your soul is the blood. Your heart bridges the two. In reality, that idea is a part of you wanting to integrate. Inhale the inspiration.

earth.

Linear time is inherently destructive and deeply damaging on the divine feminine psyche. A woman’s power is grounded through multidimensionality; resonance, frequencies, energy, vibrations, intuition. Powered by heavenly hosts.

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Slavery 2.0

You can’t outmanoeuvre how you feel. That shit is real and you owe yourself the decency to acknowledge why certain things are difficult. Your anxiety or depression aren’t isolated and compartmentalized. It will have an effect on how you do things and how you cope. Instead of insisting on a plan or goals that force you to adapt, have compassion for yourself and realize that you won’t be going anywhere by leaving parts of you behind. Just like when you have the stomach flu or a migraine all of you are down and it affects what you were planning on doing (even though technically the rest of your body is healthy), so should the state of your inner being be to you.

This society is programmed to split a person from their emotions to make them into automatons that are easily manipulated and hijacked. That’s what you’re setting yourself up for when you’re prioritizing external outlines over how you are feeling or what you desire. When you go along with something that requires you to suppress or brutalize yourself, is the goal really worth it? When people talk about selling their souls they imagine some dungeon and a horned devil. But no. It happens in gradual ways where you muffle the agonizing screams of your soul because it’s inconvenient. Hell is the sum of the choices you made against your conscience.

In the world we’re a part of today, being connected with the soul is the Noah’s ark. It may seem overwhelmingly nefarious and evil to even contemplate how to get out of this, but guess what? You never were meant to figure out this on your own or hatch an escape plan. The only way out is through transcendence and that can only be facilitated by the creator of your soul. But you have to green light this by being receptive to your inner knowing, to letting go of what dishonours you, to uphold integrity and honesty in your soul, to love unconditionally, to be empathetic.

How you respond to hateful or grim circumstances hold far more power than you’ll ever know. Forget revenge and being vindicated : when someone or something fails to make you go against what you wish or your character, your light has triumphed. And as long as you hold on to that light, it doesn’t matter how dark the world gets. A candle light is more powerful than all the darkness because darkness is empty and lacks divine essence. Evil is darkness because because it renegaded from the divine light. And it’ll have you believe that it’s more powerful and encompassing than it is. It’s only power is illusion. If it had any substance, it’d fulfill the threats without dropping trailers in your mind. That’s why we fear the dark so much. We project our active imagination on what may await in the dark corners.

When you lose track of yourself, your pure awareness, how you feel etc, your focus inevitably gets drawn in by the suggestions of a fearful imagination. When you’re not grounded and present, it’s very easy for you to get stuck in your reptilian brain where your amygdala shuts down and hijacks the logical part of your brain (neocortex) and you become hypervigilant. But that hypervigilance is like being a deer in headlights. It’s a constant scanning of evidences of your worst fears. And that’s how most of us go through this life. That’s why distractions and escapism is so enticing ; it’s like we’ve given up on the existence of a reality where we don’t have to survive by dissociating and distracting ourselves. It’s like we’ve settled for coffee breaks during our torture sessions.

What I’m tryna say is… you’re like someone in a fortified house. Robbers come to your front door and threaten you with the worst depravity and torture if you don’t open up. They tell you that they are giving you a chance before they break in, which they claim they’ll easily do, to open up and spare you and your family unfathomable terrors. Because you’ve forgotten how secure your house is and the weapons you have to defend yourself with, your amygdala hijacks your brain and you give the robbers empty threat life because of your own fears. And you open the door to prevent the worst case scenario from happening. Makes no sense yes? But that’s how most of us be living and if Jung has taught me anything it’s to look for archetypes and the collective unconscious that is being played out.

AI are a representation of our disconnection from our humanity and our collective dissociation. And that’s way worse than any AI. We project our own fears on harmless robots, thereby animating them with powers they wouldn’t have otherwise.

Don’t let your emotions be replaced by algorithms and don’t your soul be hijacked by programs based on your predictable reactions.

house of illusions

I don’t allow myself to feel sad because there’s so much to feel sad about that if I started I’d rent asunder by all the sadness.

But ever since I’ve come off social media and got more time for solitude I’ve noticed how bleak my life seems.

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Seeking shelter 

Sometimes I wonder
Are my feet moving or is life static? 

It’s like the phases of the moon that shows a different side of itself. But whether a crescent or a full moon, the moon is always the same. We just see it differently. 
I’ll strive to be more static and not be carried away by outside manipulations. It’s only when you are grounded in life that you can fly. It’s only when you let go of control that you feel safe. 
Gratitude. I have a rich collage of good memories to keep me company. I’ll strive to focus on that, and be content regardless of external circumstances. 
Like a cabin in the woods, with good insulation and cosy interior design that keeps the worst blizzards and rainstorms out, preserving the relaxing ambience. 

I want my soul to be like that cabin. I want to work on my cabin, exterminate pests, fix leaking pipes, insulate windows, clean, clean, clean.  Furnish with shelves and shelves of books, IKEA furniture, turquoise theme. Mirrors. A lot of storage and boxes. Keep things neat and organized. Soft pillows, warm blankets. Fireplace. Electric fireplace. I can’t be chopping wood in the middle of winter. Listen to rain sounds and Tracy Chapman on a good surround sound system. Aroma therapy. Burn fragrance oils. Lock my doors, switch off my lights. Sleep. 
I’m tired of hitchhiking. I want to come home to myself.

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