Cold is shocking

October has been so painful. Ayeeyo, detox/withdrawal, readjustment, feeling all my numbed trauma that my meds helped keep at bay… Whenever I go out I find myself having to make an effort not to burst out in tears in the middle of the street. And every step feels like the last step before I collapse.

It’s one thing to dissociate from pain, to create distractions. But to have it rain down on you while you sit there, with no where to hide or run..

I was the primary caretaker of ayeeyo for the past 3 years bc I shared room with her and that gave me structure and something to do. And now everything is a void. Absolutely everything. And yet it’s not? I feel a fullness that I’m trying to ground, for the first time ever in my life. As if I’m coming home with a newborn baby without having prepared anything for it. No crib or nothing.

I feel like my legs are lined with embers. I know it passes and I’m grateful for all the wisdom I’ve gained from my healing bc it’s the only thing keeping me calm and collected. I know it’s an ugly storm but I know its function and I know it’s benevolent and I know it’ll get better.

But gosh. Having to create new neural pathways when the old, trauma-laden ones threaten you with a repeat of the past 14 years…

You know what I hate the most? I’ve had to figure this shit out completely on my own all through my late teens and all of my 20s, battling it secretly, patiently. And when people get a whiff of it, they’re quick to throw words like smothering a fire with a blanket. I know those words are borne from restlessness and a knee-jerk reaction to seeing others in pain. But those words, had I taken them in, would have smothered ME, for I was the fire and I needed to burn down. I did.

Anyway, I count the weeks. This is 6.

September 18th, midnight

Tonight I learnt that the body goes through labour both in birth and death. The soul arriving, the soul departing.

I don’t want to say this bc I can’t take it back, but it’s an inevitability. My grandma passed and it’s surreal. She’s so beautiful and I’ve never seen her so glowing in all these months of sickness and suffering. In the end, she was surrounded by all her loved ones, reminding her of the shahaadah, her raising her finger, and in the end she relaxed into eternal rest.

The difficulty is for us, not her. She’s released and relieved. This is the end of an era and I don’t know what this means. I don’t know who I am without her. But I’m so so so so so so grateful for this past year and a half.

I’m lying in the same room. People tried to get me away but really, I don’t feel there’s any difference.

I had a dream a few weeks ago where her soul was levitated above her body, in the process of death. It was so smooth. I was told her death had been postponed so many times, for us to find closure. I guess we were ready to let go.

She’s not only a grandma, but a mother figure. I’m so beyond grateful and blessed to have had this incredibly kind and caring matriarch in my life.

I don’t know what I’ll tell my nephew who is sleeping over at our place.

Important!

This diagram is imperative in understanding the dynamics of depression & suicidal thoughts. Please share, perchance someone at the end of their wits might find this helpful. It’s been of tremendous help to me!

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coping

Dark rivers run deep

darkriver10

13.04.14

Within me run dark, deep rivers

Within me storms are stirred by my grief

Within me a thousand tear drops are suspended, awaiting the tide

And when the time is right, they ebb into the ocean of all dark things

Dark thoughts, dark feelings, darkness

Dwelling in the deepest recesses of me

I try to find my way out of this maze

But it seems the harder I try, the more I get lost

Sometimes it’s so dark I forget I exist

If it weren’t for the tidal waves smashing into me

Startling me awake

I would have forgotten to start breathing

If it wasn’t for the boiling volcano of anger in me

That sit somewhere between my solar plexus and infinity

That suffocates and drowns me

It burns and tears me apart

It destroys the little I accrued from the flow of hope

I fuel it by taking in all the darkness in me and letting it seep into every pore

I fall into its’ arms and let it devour me

Then suddenly, look

Hear

The eruption of the volcano

Causing a tsunami of emotions and tears to wash over me

They irrigate the deserts of my heart

and grant me the strength

To hold on to live another day.

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