There are no shadows in space

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I’ve always had a blaring intuition that would not take to suppression easily. As a child, my connection to this inner compass was severed and it left me a hapless wanderer, looking for something,someone to tether my soul-less self to. But even my own shadow would leave me when darkness approached. So whatever or whomever I’d attach myself to would be transitory, like the pleasantness of a summer’s afternoon. I knew it was fleeting which made it all the more tortuous. I was in constant pain; before finding the next object of addiction,whilst I had it, and after it inevitably dissipated. It was like grasping at the clouds, or trying to trap water in the palm of my hands. It was not mine, and not mine to control. What was meant to be a pleasure, turned out to be a source of anguish.

I had all sense of certainty eroded by well-meaning adults telling me what to think and how to live. I spent my first decade being taught why my feelings and urges were wrong and destructive. And once I entered my adolescence, a time when I was supposed to find my own in this world, I was plunged into even deeper confusion. Self-doubt had taken root and all kinds of torments ensued. If I couldn’t trust myself, what was life? I lived life in a state of constant hypervigilance and fear of the slightest change to my house of cards. I was so frail that I was certain I was a blow away from annihilation.

I was truly lost because I was stuck. I could not step out of my comfort zone and I was effectively imprisoned by my fears.

Now, after so many years of searching for the source of the bellow of pain that’d rip me apart every time I tried to defy it, I finally found the severed connection to myself.

I found that self-doubt invited fears,obsessions,addictions,compulsions,depression – gremlins who festered on my abandoned soul; like squatters who claimed a squalid and dilapidated house as their own. A house that once was wondrous in its grandeur, had now been neglected into oblivion, erasing the past.

And I found that I can’t eradicate the self-doubt, because it’s not a state, it’s the lack thereof. Like darkness, it occurred in the absence of something. Which is when I found the source of the agonizing howl; my intuition.

My inner voice that had been buried under the rubbles of my eroded self-certainty.

It’s a bit frightening trusting this voice, because I can still hear the gremlins from afar. But now, every time I hear them I know it’s self-doubt and not an impending catastrophe and that for the first time in my life I can relax even in the face of a mighty storm.

And because I have found an enduring tether that would never fail me, I can finally enjoy life in all its transitory splendour.

Avant-garde

I was inspired to write this after reading Flickering Lights blog  on the issue of doubt and anti-theism. I had been brooding over this for some time, but hers was the straw. Check her blog out by the way, beautiful stuff.


 

As today’s society has shifted from a religious trajectory to a secular one, it’s caused so much confusion that in pure terror, people find it easier to reject religion altogether than sift through it all. In reality, it’s moving to the other extreme of the spectrum because finding your truth is a lifelong journey and isn’t limited to spirituality. This journey is unsettling because it entails change,uncertainty,doubts and painful emotions. In the face of this, it’s easier to take to anti-theism and say there is no uncertainty. Faith is essentially uncertain; anything abstract can’t be empirically verified and is up for individual study. Whether it be worldview,self-esteem or life philosophy, nothing is set in stone.

When people ask for hard-set proof of a deity, they are looking for the answer without pondering the question. Life is not about answers; imagine if you now were told who’d you will marry, how many kids you will have, what vocation you will end up in and when you’ll die- how dull would it be? It’s the element of uncertainty that life’s essence is contained within. It is when you don’t know for sure that you mull over something and have to make a choice.

The underlying motive of the growing inclination towards anti-theism can be observed in other walks of life; the education system,politics,relationships,jobs, to mention a few.

People flock to dodgy self-help gurus to get the formula for a consistent and ‘happy’ life. One where they won’t have to deal with terrible bouts of gray areas. We’re told that we must take to the traditional educational system in order to attain ‘stability’. Cast dreams and hobbies aside, for those are uncertain and there’s the risk of failure. Google ‘dating advice’ and you’ll find it awash with countless articles and blogs that are in essence imparting on the reader a technique in manipulating the opposite gender into falling for one. Rarely do you see people espousing the outrageous idea to be oneself, for that couldn’t possibly garner the status of being a sex symbol. Being vulnerable is a naive idea that is far too risky to dabble in. Besides, who is the individual divorced from the crowd?

We are stuck in a hamster wheel of society-endorsed drudgery and emotional slavery. We want out; we want to travel around the world,become carpenters and writers,throw our masks in the air and stand in our naked personalities. We want to awake each morn raring to get started and come back each evening with an experience. We don’t want a Monday to Friday schedule to replace our lives. We don’t want to study 3-4 years in university to end up fighting for jobs alongside high school drop-outs who have 4 years of work experience as leverage over us.

We don’t want this, but then again, what do we want? It’s in this question that contains the fear,uncertainty,avant-garde that has us clinging to drudgery,because at least it’s socially acceptable. It’s stable. Everyone does it, and everyone’s miserable together.

No two days are the same, even though they all follow the same dynamics; dawn,noon,evening,night. But what separates today from yesterday isn’t the arbitrary weekdays assigned to them, but it’s the unscripted experiences we encounter within them. Likewise, no two people are the same; don’t let anyone pigeonhole you to a tiny nook where you have to huddle up to be as inconspicuous as possible. Don’t let anyone mock your emotions and don’t let anyone instill their fears in you.

You were born with a soul that has in it everything you need; learn to listen to it, to your heart. Risk the fear and pain because those are the only bridges to bravery and tranquillity. Follow the trails of questions in your mind and don’t expect people to understand you,because they don’t even understand themselves.

Live before you die.

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