The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
Ever since I returned to social media after a long 5 year hiatus, I’ve noticed that the inner critic in my head has a slew of friends online. It’s as if everyone uploaded their pain to send them to others in a game of mental tag. ” You’re fat”, ” You’re ugly”; everything I hate about myself, “You are it”.
What’s worse than the shaming and trolling is that the people who try to instill a positive body image that has nothing to do with one’s fatness, and everything to do with uplifting people who hate themselves, these people are scorned for ‘encouraging obesity’ and ‘ glorifying fatness’. These unsolicited critics proceed to do a public service by letting people know that their fatness is killing them. Does cruelty kill? I hope so.
Who asked for your opinion? You think so lowly of someone based on their body that you think they can’t live and think for themselves? You feel you ‘must’ teach them how to live? You feel you must assuage their mortification by telling them to lose the weight to be adored and eventually feel better. You feel that’s what worked for you ; the only way you could bear looking yourself in the mirror was to fight what was looking back at you. You hated yourself and thought if you could gain people’s accolades based on your exterior, perhaps this would gloss over the gaping void that you fill with negative mantras over and over and over again… So, when you see someone who isn’t striving for the societal ideal, like you are, and somehow is happy – something you could never be- you can’t allow this. You are so consumed with envy that the inner reservoir of self-hate spills over and absorbs the happiness of anyone around you. You’d rather go on a tirade against all fat people till kingdom come and go through cycles of diets and shakes and this workout and that, than to look inside that inner void and face the aggressive emotional tumour that is depleting you of everything humane. You don’t want to face your fears, you don’t want to admit what you’ve come to think of yourself; that you are useless, ugly, unlovable ; you don’t want to admit all of this because you actually believe it. You believe the lies that you’ve been force-fed and now you hate anyone who reminds you of what you worked so hard to bury.