I don’t have the answers but I can show you how to find them

If there’s one thing I intend with being vulnerable in my writing and sharing myself with others unconditionally is that I be a tangible example of hope not being futile. Where the sympathetic words void of emotional application fall short, I want to be the bridge over the existential vacuum that kills so many because there doesn’t seem to be a land beyond the abyss. I want to be the last minute diversion from suicide, to give hope one last chance.

I didn’t do anything extraordinary. I went on an odyssey in search of hope and love and I want to share my experiences taming the wild oceans of shadow work and the maps I devised to make the quest easier. I don’t want to fix anything or convince anyone, but be a lighthouse and a library for the earnest seeker.

An invisible disconnection

“Most people who struggle with chronic emptiness had adults in their life who were incapable of giving them emotional intimacy. As a result, their inner world did not feel seen, heard, felt, understood or validated. Not only did this wound them, it made them subconsciously conclude that there must be either something bad there or nothing there at all.

Emotional neglect is the cause of the inner void. When an adult does not understand what emotional needs are or how to meet them, they cannot meet the child’s emotional needs. The adult is essentially unintentionally invalidating the importance of their child in their life. This child does not feel seen, heard or felt. There is no intimacy in the relationship and so this child lacks the knowledge about how to form intimate relationships.

When a child is shamed for having emotional needs and wanting to have them met by the parent, the message the child receives is, “There is something fundamentally wrong and unlovable about me”. This child grows up being completely blind to his or her own emotional needs as well as being very afraid of his or her own emotions.

Most people who suffered emotional neglect, either keep their suffering entirely to themselves or go from psychiatrist to psychologist trying desperately to figure out what is so wrong with them.

Most are drowning in a sea of self-condemnation because they can’t see what it is that caused them to feel the way they feel. This is because emotional neglect is not what you see. It is what you don’t see. It is the encouragement that didn’t happen. It is the comforting that wasn’t given. It is the loving support that wasn’t offered. It is the loving words that were not said. It is the sense of belonging that was never granted. It is the understanding that was never reached for. Emotional neglect is so hard to recognize because you can’t see what isn’t there and so you can’t remember what isn’t there and until you see what could have been there, you won’t even know something was missing.

Emotional neglect often goes hand in hand with an unhealthy style of availability in parenting, which leads to insecure attachments in adults. If you were talking to a psychologist they would say that instead of developing a secure attachment, a child who experiences emotional neglect often develops either an anxious preoccupied attachment or a dismissive avoidant attachment.”

– Teal Swan, My Raw Yet Pristine Paragon

The existential void

Don’t worry. Your truth won’t be washed away by the storm of existential chaos. It won’t be broken by the weight of the world. It’ll only be fine tuned, refined. Because your truth is the reality blueprint your soul was created upon and what’s from Allaah is indestructible, timeless, eternal.

وَلَا تَدْعُ مَعَ اللَّهِ إِلَٰهًا آخَرَ لَا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ كُلُّ شَيْءٍ هَالِكٌ إِلَّا وَجْهَهُ لَهُ الْحُكْمُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

And invoke not any other deity along with Allaah, there’s no true god but He. Everything will perish save His Face. His is the Decision, and to Him you (all) shall be returned.

(Al-Qasas 28:88)

My teen years + early 20s: a memoir

I DON’T BELIEVE IN MYSELF BECAUSE I’VE NEVER REALLY TAKEN THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW MYSELF BECAUSE I DISSOCIATE EVERY TIME I FEEL ANYTHING SO. I NEED YOU TO BELIEVE IN ME AND I’LL SPEND MY LIFE DEVOTED TO MEETING YOUR EXPECTATIONS TO GET ENOUGH VALIDATION TO FEND OFF THIS EXISTENTIAL ANXIETY THAT IS TEARING ME APART. AND IF I EVER FEAR NOT MEETING OTHERS EXPECTATIONS, I’LL GO ROUND AND ROUND IN A PANICKED FRENZY BECAUSE UNCERTAINTY + EXISTENTIAL ANXIETY IS A DEADLY CONCOCTION AND I DISSOCIATE BUT THEN THE PARAMETERS OF REALITY START TO DISSOLVE BECAUSE I WAS ONLY EVER GROUNDED BY BEING FOCUSED OUTWARDLY ON GOALS THAT DID NOTHING BUT APPEASE OTHERS EGOS SO THAT I COULD GET SOMEATHAT TRICKLE DOWN EGO JUICE. IF I START TO DOUBT MY ABILITY TO ACHIEVE THOSE GOALS, WHAT AM I? WHO AM I? WHY DO I EVEN LIVE IF I CAN’T EVEN PROVE MY INNER BULLY WRONG?

Hello suicidal ideations, my old friends

Rediscovering Ramadaan#16

There are some people who attain conventional success, materialistic success and all sources of suffering seem to vanish. And so they start deluding themselves into thinking that they are self-made, that it was by hard work and determination that took them out of their slump.

The last iota of empathy shrivels up in their hardened heart where they harbour arrogance of cosmic proportions and they see everyone as below them.

Ask yourself. Where did the inspiration to embark on that path come from? Where did that willpower come from? Where did those opportunities come from? Where did those chance meetings come from?

If success is attained by hard work alone, the slaves would be the slave masters.
If we possess such absolute powers, then we would be divine gods.

If materialism is the meaning with life, then stuff dollar bills in your inner void and make that funereal pain stop . If materialism is the metric for success then work hard to live forever. Bid the rain to fall on hot days and the earth to move closer to the sun on cold winter morns’.

Suffering comes from a heart that is alive and a mind that is alert and hope that struggles to wrench the truth from the hands of evil.
Suffering is the only way to grow and become enlightened.

You feed your body and starve your mind. You line your pockets and your heart is empty. You think you’re alive but you’re dead and you’re just waiting to be buried.

( originally wrote 28/7/15)

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