Shared vulnerability

“Again, in the midst of our endemic ‘doing’ and ‘fixing’ culture, we may feel powerless to help. And this is when we need to know how to be with someone who is feeling suicidal rather than doing anything with them or to them. It is the very concept of doing and fixing that creates a bigger gulf between those who are trying to help and the very private and untenable hell of the suicidal person.

Within the ‘doing and fixing it’ mindset resides the fear of our own powerlessness to alleviate the obvious hell the sufferer is enduring. In admitting our impotence we are being very human, because the more we pathologize and psychotherapize, the further we move away from our basic humanity. Empathy and sharing space with the suicidally depressed will have a much deeper impact than words. Often in the admission of ones own powerlessness is to walk beside a soul as a fellow traveler and a friend.

The best thing is to do nothing, but be with someone who is suicidal in much the same way as one is in learning how to be with someone who is depressed. There is an erroneous belief that getting someone to speak about their suicidal feelings will drive them over the edge. This is a myth. Dr Daniel Plotkin, a Los Angeles geriatric psychiatrist, says ‘When suicide is brought up, it’s a relief to the person contemplating suicide. It doesn’t push them over the edge’.

[…]

The only thing that stands in the way of it is our own fears which, in turn, are driven by deep societal injunctions and an overwhelming sense of responsibility.

The more we are able to get ourselves out of the way and be open to the other person not as someone with inconsolable, suicidal feelings, but as a fellow soul on the path of life, the more accessible we become to the energies of the Self which are endeavoring to emerge in our midst. It is absolutely essential that we hold the situation within the ‘healing field’, because suicide is often a desperate attempt to return to the Source, even though this may be wholly unconscious; deep down, the suffering soul has a longing for spiritual connection. Holding that connection for them may be the most valuable gift we can give.

Remember that the success is not necessarily in being able to talk someone out of suicidal distress, but in being with them in their place of distress. In this sense, it is more important to have shared that intimacy of communication than preventing them from committing suicide.

What to do:

•Empathize.

•Questions open up consciousness, helping us to access levels of understanding that might not have been available before. Never be afraid to ask key focal questions such as, ‘What is it like for you?’ or ‘Is there anything you need that I might be able to give or help you with?’

•Stay with the process and the discomfort you may experience around this. Remember those feelings of powerlessness you are experiencing may be what the suicidal person is experiencing themselves.

•Never underestimate the power of presence, of staying with the feelings that can be unbearable.

What not to do:

•To avoid facing the unbearable, steer conversation onto safer common ground, which will send client into not being heard, deeper shame and self-disgust.

•Fixing/mending/finding solutions.

•Make comments like ‘You have everything to live for.’

•Make the person feel guilty in an effort to manipulate the situation.

– Stephanie Sorrell, Depression As a Spiritual Journey

Soul flare

Meaning can only be observed through a transformation that destroys everything you thought you knew. The incoming burst of meaning hits you like a meteorite that creates a depression in the ground where it strikes. Light always emerges from darkness. Always. You’re being hollowed out to be filled with the long lost sacred essence.

I’m not made for you

I’m asked what it is that I do and I have nothing to answer with but hesitation and a defeated sigh from having failed at finding a dignified way to answer that question. Tired from the suspension I feel I have no choice but to fall back on projections and see myself through the eyes of those who seem to have their lives together, asking me about mine. Impaled on the judgments that I know so well because I believe them, I bleed out of the little hope I had. I don’t know what to do when I can’t prove that an acorn will become an oak tree.

This illness, this divine madness that has enveloped me, has stripped me of everything I used to hide behind by being and doing for others what they needed and desired. My shame comes from that. I used to believe that the only reason anyone would love me or like me is if I proved valuable or useful somehow. This existential depression gradually crept in and took over like weeds. People’s approval became their disappointment and disapproval. I was plunged in a shapeless, dark, bland twilight zone where I had no way of knowing of my existence but through feeling. I used to outsource that to basking in the glowing approvals and validation of those I’d be codependent on.

Suffering the formation of meaning under intense duress would have been unfathomable had I not had Allaah and known what I know of Him because literally, the path is formed as a wave-particle that collapses into its potential reality as a particle when observed. He’s the one who makes me observe and gives me the light to observe with and provides the slit to observe through. In other words, He creates the environment for that acorn and it’s not the end result that makes an oak tree what it is but the entire process that sets the seed in motion and agonizing restlessness. Thus, if it weren’t for the oak tree the acorn wouldn’t even exist. And were it not for my passionate spirit, I wouldn’t have this dilemma. So I guess I’m not observable by everyone and that’s ok. Whatever judgment they make is their prerogative and I’ve relied on it when I shouldn’t have and that’s what I’m being cleansed off right now. I understand it and I accept the consequences of throwing myself into an environment and condition I had no business being in but which I was attracted to through my self-delusion and greed. I see that. And I need to see that so that I remove the hooks that others judgments hang on. Without those hooks the judgments and projections have no way of getting to me.

A ducaa for the existentially depressed

Ya rabb, You’re the only reason I’m held together and I’m yet to disintegrate into infinitisimal particles, or blow my brains out from the extreme anxiety of having to find a needle of truth in a quantum haystack of boundless information bits. Even if I dissociate and attempt to escape my mind, I can’t escape this life inside me, this life that weighs so heavy with existential dread and expectation. Even if I try to discard what I am, clouds of misery withholding rains of meaning will follow me like the horizon, or I will follow it because my path is primordial and preordained.

If I were to unravel, like I’ve done in the past, none can make me ok again. At best I’d be in a merciful catatonic state, numbing the mind crushing pain, hoping death is dispatched sooner than later.

If I were to lose my bearing in this information apocalypse, none could help me find my inner compass. I’d either become driftwood, being carried by the momentum of the majority, or I’d become a deceptive snake, pretending to be guided.

Even my turning to You is divine inspiration and I’m overcome with how much I need You. I give up everything in me that would take me away from You and I seek refuge with You from my ego. I ask for Your love to soothe me and I beg that You keep me company, always. All of this is for nothing if I lose my soul signal. All of this turns into crushing pressure if You leave me to my own devices. Nothing is worth losing my connection to You for. I’ll give up family, friends, society. I’ll take to a remote mountain if so required. I’ve known enough suffering to know that the one thing I can’t survive without is Your watchful presence.

From a distance

If you’re wondering if your novel ideas or philosophies are the machinations of an unhinging mind, know that chaos is the loss of meaning. As long as you’re moving in the direction of finding meaning, you’re good.

Don’t ask me how I came to this realization 👀

What’s wrong with me?

Ego asks what. It wants to pinpoint the cause of inconvenience. The thorn in its side.

Love asks why. It wants to understand what disrupted the harmony. It wants to reconcile the opposites. It wants to return the thorn to its rose.


I’ve never asked myself why. It’s always been a resentful what, if even that. And it’d always be because things reached a dead end where the suffering was unbearable. I’d always seek insight and answers begrudgingly as a u-turn. But best believe that I wanted nothing to do with my vehicle. I was only focused on the dashboard and the road ahead. I didn’t want anything to hold me back from reaching my destination. The vehicle would break down, I’d get a towing truck, hitch a couple of rides that turned out nearly fatal. I tried to abandon the vehicle in protest. Didn’t have anyone or anything else to blame it on. I was imagining all the beautiful and marvelous things that I was missing out on by being stuck on the road, and it made me hate myself and the vehicle even more. Which would cause more trouble.

It started as a faint mumble. A question you ask under your breath, hoping no one would hear you. Why do you want to go to that destination so bad? When it causes you this much agony?

My inner voice grew stronger and firmer each time my vehicle coughed up soot and died. The inquiries took on more defined form, the question turned into soliloquies.

I hadn’t noticed the hassle it took to try to get there because I assumed it was due to my inability to navigate the road or my crappy vehicle. I assumed such because it seemed like every other car was zooming past me with no problem.

Why do you think your vehicle is a car?

Huh? It’s obviously…a…car? Wait, hold on. It has to be. What else could it be? I thought all vehicles were cars? Or all cars were vehicles? What? This make no sense at all. How come I’m on a highway if this vehicle belongs elsewhere?

Why do you think that where you are is where you are meant to be?

I guess because that’s the only thing I’ve been taught. If I were to take the alternative seriously, that’d be too daunting! At least now I have a direction and rules to follow. I wouldn’t know where to begin if I veered off this map!

Maybe the noncompliance of your vehicle and the constant breakdowns have been nonverbal cues from your soul to alert you to the fact that this road isn’t where you belong?

But why couldn’t there be a straightforward delineation of what vehicle belongs where? Or even where it doesn’t belong?!

Because the path where you belong is held by the awareness of why you don’t belong elsewhere. And that’s only something you can come to on your own. That’s the whole point. You thought you were on the road to a certain destination, but your soul brought you here to break the assumptions you’ve inherited.


Oh, so that‘s why

Mulki’s cave


Day:Friday, 1st
Month:December
Year :1989
Time: 00:09
Place : Alvesta, Sweden
Age: 28


Picture: Madre, padre, me. 1st birthday party. December 1st 1990


Ages 0-14: Sweden

Age 15: Kenya [spent half a year in Somalia+ Kenya at my behest so I could escape bullies that made life hell for me at school 😒]

Ages 16-21: Kenya [moved to Kenya permanently with my family after I finished 9th grade]

Ages 22-23: Egypt [ Moved on my own to study. Lived with friends]

Ages 24-25: Sweden [back after nearly 8 years abroad. First time fully acknowledging the teeters my mental health was in and how much moving around destabilized me as a highly sensitive person]

Age 26: UK [ temporarily moved to the UK in what in hindsight was me bypassing the healing I needed to do. I wanted to fastforward shit so that I could rejoin society as a ‘functional’ member. Fell into the clutches of highly toxic and manipulative people I thought were friends]

Ages 27-28: Sweden [ First time I’m accepting my existential task and my lot. Spent all this time in introspection, mindfulness and weekly sessions with a psychologist. Road to healing isn’t quick but it’s meaningful and long lasting.]


Theme of past year : Enduring the tension of paradoxes

Theme of this year : Allowing the divine will through my imagination, unhindered by fears or preconceptions

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