The collapse of a nation is the birth of another

“That’s incredibly fascinating and an unusual account”. He leaned back with his arms crossed and looked at me across the small round table where I sat, along with my psychologist.

I had an appointment with my GP in the same building as my psychologist’s office. He was to renew some prescriptions and update my medical certificate that details the conditions of my disability. I had explained to him why the sleeping pills he had prescribed me months ago stopped working after a few days. He said it’s normal because the body gets used to it. What we’ll do is increase the dose. I objected to this by saying that the dose is perfectly fine and my issue isn’t pharmacological. I’ve had severe depression and ptsd which I’ve battled since I was 16,17 and I’ve adapted to the symptoms. Merely correcting the sleeping patterns disrupts me and triggers intense anxiety because it exposes me to the daily routines and the emotional unsafety I encounter in being awake during the day as well as sitting with the expectations that come along with a normal circadian rhythm.

He said, ah, because it makes you face everything you hadn’t dealt with while it was just as easy as taking sleeping pills?

No. This is the only way I can remain alive. When I’ve faced these systematic battles without sufficient resources, understanding and support it’s led me to such desperate extremes that I’ve attempted suicide. That’s why my psyche reacted so viscerally to being snuffed on its only safe space : the peace of mind the night affords. I don’t live in conditions conducive for emotional security. I’ll have to deal with the underlying system before I pull the plug.

“I’ve never heard this before. You’re unusually conscious and aware of this.”

She’s an unusual woman, my psychologist quipped, to which we all laughed. I was beaming because I was believed and relieved that a man of his stature saw it fit to concede to my self-knowledge. It was a validation I could believe.

I’m not disabled by my inability to adapt, but because the system isn’t equipped for someone like me. And it’s easier for people to put that on me than jeopardize their blind trust in the infallibility of the system. If it’s all you have it’s not unusual that these cognitive dissonances arise. No one wants to live in existential uncertainty. But I’ve had to. That’s why my insight and vision is so piercing – clarity is all I have to survive, to avoid being exploited and deceived.

Going back to infinity

No healing can take place when disconnected or dissociated from the entry wound. It may take a long while before you’ll be able to return to the crime scene, the impact crater. It’s a time travel through pain, so don’t feel worried or ashamed if you’re unable to just yet. Focus on making contact with this moment before you think about your existential radius. Try to offload your mind because the more you press it to figure out what it’s not equipped to do, you create more fragmentation and trauma. The stillness of one moment reconnects you to your essence, and your essence is always connected to the divine.

The point is, the longer you can remain present without forcing, the more you’ll come together inside. Healing is about the process to make all of you return to your core after a trauma your mind wasn’t equipped for dispersed your presence and anchorage in your body. Your spirit was evacuated because your body was flooded with stress hormones which are like constant missiles flying overhead and never ending sirens.

You don’t have to fix or figure anything out to be ok again. You don’t have to trauma-proof the world to feel safe again. When you learn to feel safe in your body, you won’t have to rely on your mind keeping guard. You’ll be full of love and you’ll be able to withstand anything because of that strong inner presence. Nothing can budge that or destroy that. You’re still hopeful and aware, despite all the trauma and hopeless nights. That’s all the proof you need; you’ve survived this long without active healing. Imagine what devoting yourself to bringing all of you back to your body would do and mean?

Seeing the shadows through the black light

On the train back to Sweden. If there’s one thing that I can take away from these past 3 enlightening and unfolding weeks is that although I can’t predict or prevent the adversities coming my way, I can always ask and seek a way through everything. And I’ve come to learn that what caused me the most suffering and a feeling of suffocation that made suicide seem like an easier decision is being stuck and not knowing which way is up or down. So the next best thing I could do is try to avoid any and everything that was remotely foggy or convoluted. I’d keep out of the unknown that housed the bulk of my potential and passion, because I didn’t have an existential contingency to fall back on.

It’s easy to say, just put your trust in Allaah when you have not been taken to the edge of rationale and the structure of everything you knew. A place where the mind can no longer rely on mental devices or intellectualizations of the divine. It’s a plunge into the darkness, the sleeping divine feminine, the black light, the place where inspiration is born and the false can’t hold up.

And it’s by repeatedly taking those quantum leaps into what my body detected as death, making it writhe in the most severe mental and physical agony that I didn’t think would ever end, that I came to know Allaah because He’d catch me where there was absolutely nothing before. He’d respond to me in the absolute silence. He’d protect me as violent winds of anxiety whipped my face.

I had to lose everything I’ve come to rely on or turn to so that I can truly know Allaah. So that I wouldn’t doubt the miracles or chalk it up to circumstantial oddities. I quite literally lost my mind over and over again and just as I was sure I was going to be sucked into some existential vortex that’d make me explode into smithereens, I found a silent strength that always was there but hidden by the projections of the ego into the abyss.

My mind, in a nutshell

Pluto in the 3rd House indicates an individual who spends a lot of time experiencing, because this is how you get to expand your mind and intellectual faculties. There is a need to name and classify things in order to understand your place in the universe but also to feel emotionally secured. It’s an empirical process in which you constantly accumulate more and more information about you, the world around you, in order to understand who you are and who you are within your close environment and within the world. There is a focus on facts and on things that can be verified through the senses.

But crises occur when in this process of accumulation, new information invalid old information, which information to keep and which information to eliminate? As we saw the emotional security is deeply linked to the sense of knowledge and understanding therefore these crises create an intellectual conflict*. These intellectual implosions occur when, on an evolutionary level, you reached a state where your growth is stopped. You are being put in front of an intellectual conflict in order for you to expand your mind and intellectual faculties, and of course the more your resist the bigger the problem. Luckily enough, the 3rd House is a mutable house and therefore it does soften the blow through its adaptable qualities.

Of course this position does signifies a restlessness and this is true for an evolutionary purpose: It’s this very restlessness that produces the will to constantly expand the mind and the knowledge, increase the ability to communicate and to communicate your knowledge to others. Sometimes it also means compulsive talking, and compulsive accumulation; as if there will never be enough information in the world for you to learn. At the complete extreme, we find so many information that it is impossible to make sense of it and rationally link them to each other, and we reach a state of complete over saturation threatening the entire mind stability.

The evolutionary intent can be found in the opposite house, the 9th. The intent is to develop the intuitive faculties as opposed to the rational mind; intuition allows understanding on a deep level the metaphysical and cosmological laws; intuition allows getting an holistic approach.

The easiest way to achieve that is to find a philosophical and metaphysical system that inspires you and that you intuitively feel is right for you. By aligning yourself with it you can put your mind at ease and stop the constant spinning.

The 3rd House and 9th House axis is very related to the very question of religions and to the difference between your truth, the truth, and truths. The intent is to develop an understanding that your truth can coexist with other people’s truth, that there are different valid systems, and that you can’t force your truth on other people (and neither can they). Once you reach this state, where you develop your intuitiveness, put your mind to sleep by aligning yourself with a philosophy, while being able to understand that whatever concept you agree with and align with isn’t the absolute truth nor the only truth, you will be able to serve your Pluto’s purpose on a way larger scale: Learn from your environment and from the people around you, because you will now be able to listen truly to what they say without trying to convince them.

Prior to this stage, you are in a mode where you always react to people, as opposed to listen and respond. You tend to constantly try to convince, to impress people, and you end up in unnecessary conflicts and disappointing conversations.

After you reach this evolutionary stage, you can hypnotize and inspire people, you can change people’s mind and allow them to discover your truth without trying to convince them.

* the root of my existential crisis /depression that started when I was 15

source

Between a hard rock and a divine place

We were created for the tension, the struggle of knowing what’s true, the pain that knocks at ungodly hours, the loss that reminds us of what can never be lost, the oscillating between going apeshit and repentance.

We don’t expect to inhale once and be good for life. We don’t eat a lifetime’s worth of food in one sitting. We shower, get funky, shower again. We sleep, wake up, become sleepy again. Fighting the oscillation is to fight the very rhythm we depend on. Don’t berate yourself for being what God made you to be, just because of lies we’re fed to make us crave for illusions to cover us.

An unmarked grave and withered roses

It’s like climbing a mountain of molasses with a 100 kg backpack and having to hold my breath all at the same time.

It’s important that I share how the bottom feels and looks like. Important for those who are suffering who think it’s something unique to them and there’s no hope. But also important to those not suffering to see the true extent of suffering on this planet. It’s just that those who suffer hide it to fit in. It creates a false world where the pain and hurt isn’t known.

÷÷÷

The only reason why I’ve waded through this for so long, the only reason why I’m choosing to live through this is because I know Allaah wouldn’t inflict this level of pain on me if it weren’t for a profound and important reason. When it burns, I look for the light. When something in me breaks, I look for what’s growing out. When I feel a sense of loss, I know it’s a sign that something is about to come in. I’m a seasoned wayfarer, a shaman. I’ve learnt the ancient practice of being tuned into the divine climate. I’ve learnt to read pain. And I hope that I get to share what I’ve learnt and healed with others. Because others pain is my own. Others healing is my own.

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