I don’t have the answers but I can show you how to find them

If there’s one thing I intend with being vulnerable in my writing and sharing myself with others unconditionally is that I be a tangible example of hope not being futile. Where the sympathetic words void of emotional application fall short, I want to be the bridge over the existential vacuum that kills so many because there doesn’t seem to be a land beyond the abyss. I want to be the last minute diversion from suicide, to give hope one last chance.

I didn’t do anything extraordinary. I went on an odyssey in search of hope and love and I want to share my experiences taming the wild oceans of shadow work and the maps I devised to make the quest easier. I don’t want to fix anything or convince anyone, but be a lighthouse and a library for the earnest seeker.

Nonlocal resistance

We are a generation marooned in an existential void. No amount of clapbacks and walkouts will move this divine boulder. We either learn to endure and be transformed by the tension, or, resist and be destroyed by the tension.

A losing game

My deeply held illusions and sense of entitlement to a perfect life has done more to hurt and damage me than anything anyone has or could have ever done. I’ve spent so long resenting the fact that life isn’t how I envisioned it and resisting the truth of my life, that I’m starting to see that I never gave two shits about myself, ever. I didn’t care at what cost I fulfilled those goals or ideals. I didn’t care about how it made me feel or how it fit into my purpose in life. Heck, my purpose in life, as far as I could see, was to outdo anyone in anything I’m doing. I don’t care at what cost, my name better be at the top of the list.

And the rug was pulled from underneath me so fast that I didn’t have time to think existential crisis before I found myself in that void where my true self was abandoned and relegated to. I saw how everything I had thought was the 💣 dot com was a thin veneer of nothing. All it took was one thing to be misplaced for everything to tumble down. What I saw as success was really a game of jenga. It was exhilarating in the moment but no way was it sustainable. In fact, it required more of me than it would give me.

But, I’d rather suffer my mistakes here than, you know…

Conscious pain || 36 Quotes to accompany an existential crisis

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1.Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
— Anaïs Nin

2.To fully relate to another, one must first relate to oneself. If we cannot embrace our own aloneness, we will simply use the other as a shield against isolation.
― Irvin D. Yalom

3.No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.
— C.G. Jung

4.It is often tragic to see how blatantly a man bungles his own life and the lives of others yet remains totally incapable of seeing how much the whole tragedy originates in himself, and how he continually feeds it and keeps it going.
— C.G. Jung

5.It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how things are in themselves. The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
— C.G. Jung

6.The reason for evil in the world is that people are not able to tell their stories.
— C.G. Jung

7.Sensation tell us a thing is.
Thinking tell us what it is this thing is.
Feeling tells us what this thing is to us.
— C.G. Jung

8….anyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic.
— C.G. Jung

9.Love obsession often serves as a distraction, keeping the individual’s gaze from more painful thoughts.
— Irvin D. Yalom (The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients)

10.Dissect your motives deeper! You will find that no one has ever done anything wholly for others. All actions are self-directed, all service is self-serving, all love self-loving.
— Irvin D. Yalom (When Nietzsche Wept: A Novel of Obsession)

11.The path to decision may be hard because it leads into the territory of both finiteness and groundlessness—domains soaked in anxiety.
— Irvin D. Yalom (The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients)

12.Each time a goal is attained, it merely breeds additional needs. Thus more scurrying, more seeking, ad infinitum.
— Irvin D. Yalom (The Spinoza Problem)

13.The human being either asserts autonomy by heroic self-assertion or seeks safety through fusing with a superior force: that is, one either emerges or merges, separates or embeds. One becomes one’s own parent or remains the eternal child.
— Irvin D. Yalom (Love’s Executioner)

14.Marriage should be no prison, but a garden in which something higher is cultivated.
— Irvin D. Yalom (When Nietzsche Wept: A Novel of Obsession)

15.A person of high, rare mental gifts who is forced into a job which is merely useful is like a valuable vase decorated with the most beautiful painting and then used as a kitchen pot.
— Irvin D. Yalom (The Schopenhauer Cure)

16.Do not create children until one is ready to be a creator and to spawn creators.” It is wrong to bear children out of need, wrong to use a child to alleviate loneliness, wrong to provide purpose in life by reproducing another copy of oneself. It is wrong also to seek immortality by spewing one’s germ into the future—as though sperm contains your consciousness!
— Irvin D. Yalom (When Nietzsche Wept: A Novel of Obsession)

17.Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes’.
— Stephen Colbert

18.The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.
— Carl R. Rogers

19.The degree to which I can create relationships, which facilitate the growth of others as separate persons, is a measure of the growth I have achieved in myself.
— Carl R. Rogers (On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy)

20.The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.
— Carl R. Rogers

21.To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another’s world without prejudice. In some sense it means that you lay aside your self and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself that he knows he will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and can comfortably return to his own world when he wishes. Perhaps this description makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, strong yet subtle and gentle way of being.
— Carl R. Rogers

22.Growth occurs when individuals confront problems, struggle to master them, and through that struggle develop new aspects of their skills, capacities, views about life.
— Carl Rogers

23.I hear the words, the thoughts, the feeling tones, the personal meaning, even the meaning that is below the conscious intent of the speaker. Sometimes too, in a message which superficially is not very important, I hear a deep human cry that lies buried and unknown far below the surface of the person.
So I have learned to ask myself, can I hear the sounds and sense the shape of this other person’s inner world? Can I resonate to what he is saying so deeply that I sense the meanings he is afraid of, yet would like to communicate, as well as those he knows?
— Carl R. Rogers

24.True empathy is always free of any evaluative or diagnostic quality. This comes across to the recipient with some surprise. “If I am not being judged, perhaps I am not so evil or abnormal as I have thought.
— Carl R. Rogers

25.In order to be open to creativity, one must have the capacity for constructive use of solitude. One must overcome the fear of being alone.
— Rollo May

26.Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.
— Rollo May (Man’s Search for Himself)

27.Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us. Like a chemical mixture, if one of us is changed, both of us will be. Will we grow in self-actualization, or will it destroy us? The one thing we can be certain of is that if we let ourselves fully into the relationship for good or evil, we will not come out unaffected.
— Rollo May (The Courage to Create)

28.The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it’s conformity.
— Rollo May

29.The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt, but in spite of doubt.
— Rollo May (The Courage to Create)

30.Recall how often in human history the saint and the rebel have be the same person.
— Rollo May (The Courage to Create)

31.Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between the stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight. The capacity to create ourselves, based upon this freedom, is inseparable from consciousness or self-awareness.
— Rollo May (The Courage to Create)

32.The human being cannot live in a condition of emptiness for very long: if he is not growing toward something, he does not merely stagnate; the pent-up potentialities turn into morbidity and despair, and eventually into destructive activities.
— Rollo May (Man’s Search for Himself)

33.Because it is possible to create — creating one’s self, willing to be one’s self, as well as creating in all the innumerable daily activities (and these are two phases of the same process) — one has anxiety. One would have no anxiety if there were no possibility whatever. Now creating, actualizing one’s possibilities, always involves negative as well as positive aspects. It always involves destroying the status quo, destroying old patterns within oneself, progressively destroying what one has clung to from childhood on, and creating new and original forms and ways of living. If one does not do this, one is refusing to grow, refusing to avail himself of his possibilities; one is shirking his responsibility to himself. Hence refusal to actualize one’s possibilities brings guilt toward one’s self. But creating also means destroying the status quo of one’s environment, breaking the old forms; it means producing something new and original in human relations as well as in cultural forms (e.g., the creativity of the artist). Thus every experience of creativity has its potentiality of aggression or denial toward other persons in one’s environment or established patterns within one’s self. To put the matter figuratively, in every experience of creativity something in the past is killed that something new in the present may be born. Hence, for Kierkegaard, guilt feeling is always a concomitant of anxiety: both are aspects of experiencing and actualizing possibility. The more creative the person, he held, the more anxiety and guilt are potentially present.
— Rollo May

34.Depression is the inability to construct a future.
— Rollo May (Love and Will)

35.Consciousness is the awareness that emerges out of the dialectical tension between possibilities and limitations.
— Rollo May (The Courage to Create)

36.We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.

— Kurt Vonnegut (If This Isn’t Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young

 

 

 

“Bring me the sunset in a cup.”

I’ve always been on the outside, looking in.

sunsset

As a child I had the mind of an adult, the austerity of a seasoned seaman. I’d ask why I was here, who I was, where does the sun disappear to when we sleep? You’re too young to understand, I’d be told. How could I be too young to understand the answer to a question I conjured on my own?
I’d return to my window seat in life , dejected, losing my gaze to an ever receding horizon, searching for the setting of the sun.

As an adult, I still sit in that window seat, answering my own questions with a childlike enthusiasm. I ask people questions that I know the answers to, not to tell them the answer but to point their gaze towards the horizon, to make them long for the unknown. You ask weird questions, I’m told. Live your life like everyone else and don’t bother yourself with pointless questions that’d get you nowhere. But how could they be pointless when they’ve helped me discover the very purpose of my life? How could they lead nowhere when it’s been the only vehicle that’s taken me everywhere in life?

I listen, understand, and stand with others. And although I cherish my solitude, I wish that for once, there’d be someone to sit beside me at that window seat, to watch the sun setting in the horizon so that I can know that my life has not been a mere dream.

Don’t. be seduced

collages

26.11.14

My bullshit makes for great fertilizer

growing rosy excuses on my grave

I live in a roller coaster

addicted to the highs

i hit rock bottom head first

teetering on insanity

it’s exhilarating

tantalizing

slacklining on the wild side of life

the alive side of life

I play a game of rock-paper-scissors with my fears

i’m crushed

i’m stabbed

and this is a letter I pen in my own blood to the life I never lived.

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