Friendship manifesto

*wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar = we have nothing to say to each other.


If you’re using our interaction as an escape from presence – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to control or predict my emotional range so that you can remain a step ahead – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to gaslight or downplay my detection of your inconsistencies or incongruence- I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you withhold how you truly feel because you fear how I may respond to that and instead you look for ways to ambush me or project on me without implicating your vulnerable feelings – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you are more concerned with feeling like a good friend than figuring out whether you actually are a good friend – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you override what you know about me with your suspicions or projections to avoid remaining present with whatever you feel threatened by – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re going to deflect or deny what I’m intuitively picking up from you and consciously choose to put up a wall instead of engaging me – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you expect me to write off your actions because of your original intentions as if your uncommunicated intentions trumps the consequences of your actions – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you don’t want your feet held to the fire – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more bothered with criticism than you are about the emotional impact of your inconsiderate behaviour – I’m sorry,wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’ve pre-set the extent to which you want this interaction to expand and grow – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more concerned with controlling how I perceive you than you are with reflecting on what I mirror back to you – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you show kindness or tolerate my annoying shit because you want that to be a credit to deflect or defend a future conflict – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you think that the reason I’m being patient with you or holding space for you or having understanding for you is due to something you did to deserve that – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

In short, if you don’t want my unconditional, unpredictable, uncensored, unmitigated presence and expression – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

This is not to rebuke these behaviours and proclivities because we’re all on different phases and journeys, but just a clarification of the type of space I need to thrive.

Keep your needs to yourself!

Iyanla Vanzant


 

13 things we do to be loved:

1. All the signs say this is not the one, but you ignore your internal alarms, and move ahead into a love fantasy.

2. Because you fear being alone, or because you believe you cannot have what you want in a relationship, you accept the first person who comes along, only to be left, beaten, ripped off, or impregnated and then left, beaten, ripped off.

3. You confuse friendship and niceness with romantic love.

4. Because some is nice to you and you are not used to it, you don’t know how to say no to them when you realize they are not who you want.

5. You get caught up in the packaging and promises.

6. You force your desires for a relationship onto another person, or issue and ultimatum. Because the person does not know how to say no, s/he goes along with you…for a while.

7. Because the other person expresses an interest in you, you respond without really exploring if this is who or what you want.

8. You allow blind faith, which leads to blind love, to take you into a relationship that is unhealthy.

9. You choose to believe that what your partner has done to another person, s/he will not do to you.

10. Sexual compatibility is mistaken for love.

11. You stay in a relationship although you are miserable, trying to work things out even when your partner shows no interest in working through the difficulty.

12. You don’t express what you really feel because you believe it will hurt your partner’s feelings.

13. You choose to believe your partner’s lies even when you know the truth. You act like you do not know what is going on when you do.


Vanzant, Iyanla. “In the Meantime, Keep Your Needs to Yourself.” In the Meantime–: Finding Yourself and the Love That You Want. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1998.

No more posts.