When love goes against your will

What if you get a child that’s the reincarnation of your inner child? How difficult would it be to love that child when they represent everything you’ve ever hated about yourself?

I reckon a lot of child abuse comes from parents who are forced to face their buried selves in the children. And it seems easier to repress the child to retain superiority than to meet the child’s needs and lose control.

I’m not an essay

I’m not gonna let you remodel my reality, my truth just because it makes you feel some typa way. Not now after I’ve spent years and years in pursuit of seeking the truth you’ve been confusing and gaslighting me about.

I didn’t push back then out of love and empathy because that’s all I knew.

I push back now out self-love and authenticity because I know how to now. I’ve found the balance, as I refused being pushed into the other extreme by your neuroticism. I’ve been hurt but I’m not going to lose sight of the truth because of that. Clarity of mind is the only thing that has allowed me to see a way through this smoke.

An invisible disconnection

“Most people who struggle with chronic emptiness had adults in their life who were incapable of giving them emotional intimacy. As a result, their inner world did not feel seen, heard, felt, understood or validated. Not only did this wound them, it made them subconsciously conclude that there must be either something bad there or nothing there at all.

Emotional neglect is the cause of the inner void. When an adult does not understand what emotional needs are or how to meet them, they cannot meet the child’s emotional needs. The adult is essentially unintentionally invalidating the importance of their child in their life. This child does not feel seen, heard or felt. There is no intimacy in the relationship and so this child lacks the knowledge about how to form intimate relationships.

When a child is shamed for having emotional needs and wanting to have them met by the parent, the message the child receives is, “There is something fundamentally wrong and unlovable about me”. This child grows up being completely blind to his or her own emotional needs as well as being very afraid of his or her own emotions.

Most people who suffered emotional neglect, either keep their suffering entirely to themselves or go from psychiatrist to psychologist trying desperately to figure out what is so wrong with them.

Most are drowning in a sea of self-condemnation because they can’t see what it is that caused them to feel the way they feel. This is because emotional neglect is not what you see. It is what you don’t see. It is the encouragement that didn’t happen. It is the comforting that wasn’t given. It is the loving support that wasn’t offered. It is the loving words that were not said. It is the sense of belonging that was never granted. It is the understanding that was never reached for. Emotional neglect is so hard to recognize because you can’t see what isn’t there and so you can’t remember what isn’t there and until you see what could have been there, you won’t even know something was missing.

Emotional neglect often goes hand in hand with an unhealthy style of availability in parenting, which leads to insecure attachments in adults. If you were talking to a psychologist they would say that instead of developing a secure attachment, a child who experiences emotional neglect often develops either an anxious preoccupied attachment or a dismissive avoidant attachment.”

– Teal Swan, My Raw Yet Pristine Paragon

God, I got grievances galore

I’m tired. Of not being allowed to feel what I feel about certain people and things. It feels like having to hold in my breath to fit into a pair of really stiff jeans that are 2 sizes too small and having to wear them 24/7, even to sleep.

I ask Allaah : is this what You intended? I just want to know because I’m tired of feeling outside the box and being penalized for it. They say You’ll be displeased if I don’t worship her. Borderline worship. At least that’s how it seems to me. I just want to know, is this right? To feel so tyrannically and forcefully stripped of natural reactions to abnormal interactions? I just want to know.. is it true? It hurts to have been gaslighted all my life. I guess that’s why You made me psychic, as an emergency kit. I’m afraid of being the person she says I am. Am I? And if she can’t see it, or refuses to see it, what am I to do? She feels like the Bermuda triangle. Nothing short of being absorbed into her will do. But I can’t be her shadow without swallowing the darkness. My heart is full of soot. I try to look for the truth, to put my feet to the fire, to rectify myself. You know that. But it comes to a point where I notice it doesn’t matter. My changes don’t even register. It doesn’t matter if I change or don’t change, her stance remains because… she wants me to represent the world she dreamed of and which she envisioned but You prevented from manifesting, and for good reason. I can’t be what You haven’t given to her. And she can’t make me into what You haven’t given to her.

Homesick

People give parents too much credit for the most basic of shit. Like, keeping a child alive for a number of years is a feat? No wonder why people abuse kids. It’s ironic that as kids become adolescent physical punishments tend to cease or slow down at least. But young kids who don’t have strength to defend themselves and are the weakest of humans receive most of the uncalled beatings, just because they are loud or rowdy.

And still people would insist that all parents are divine. Mind you, the reverence and respect for parents is contingent on 2 things : love (rahma) and guidance (tarbiyyah). Children are the biggest amanah, trust, given to parents and all kinds of amaanah are taken very seriously in Islaam. You’ll be asked for the slightest of injustice and oppression you’ve done to your helpless kids- emotional and physical. If a woman entered Hellfire for starving a cat, what do you think of parents who systematically neglect, manipulate, mock, abuse, deceive, beat their children??

Parents are adults who made a choice to rear kids. But kids didn’t choose to be born. They are fragile and should be advocated for more than people harp on about parents. We get it, be dutiful and respectful. That’s an oversaturated topic because parents can remind you and rebuke you if you treat them badly, and they have the standing to do so. But what of a child? Who reminds parents of children’s rights? Who reminds parents to fear Allaah in transgressing the boundaries of the children entrusted to them? Who reminds parents that Allaah has denied Himself oppression, and He holds Himself to the boundaries, so who is anyone to feel above it? Who reminds parents that children are a gift from Allaah and a test to see if they are grateful, therefore they shouldn’t see kids as their property or something they are entitled to. That’s arrogance and dangerously resembles shirk in that one feels like they created and breathed life into this child.

It’s no secret, or perhaps it is, that many mothers abuse their power by manipulating and guilt-tripping their kids, seeing them as extensions of themselves. That’s abhorrent. That a mother meddles in her son’s marriage because she doesn’t like the wife, or that a mother uses her daughter as her narcissistic supply to live vicariously through.

Separate the wheat from the chaff. Parenthood is noble, not because you popped out a child, but because of the seriousness of rearing, loving and shaping a child’s life. And it should be just as criminal as it’s lauded when a parent fails their obligations.

Perhaps it does make sense to see a lost generation when the one before it didn’t rectify themselves, rather they insisted on being right and being obeyed unconditionally.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ بِالْقِسْطِ شُهَدَاءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ الْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالْأَقْرَبِينَ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًا فَاللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا الْهَوَىٰ أَن تَعْدِلُوا وَإِن تَلْوُوا أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا

O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allaah, even though it be against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, be he rich or poor, Allaah is a Better Protector to both (than you). So follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you may avoid justice, and if you distort your witness or refuse to give it, verily, Allaah is Ever Well­ Acquainted with what you do.

(An-Nisa:135)

I feel like I’m awaiting execution

I’ve never been gripped by fear in this way. Mum ambushed me with a secretive plan of hers that she’s had for months, which she demanded I comply with- threatened me in fact. And I effectively signed my death wish when I made up my mind that come hell or high water, I would not give into this. I’ve never provoked her in this way, so brazen and direct. I didn’t know that I feared her this much, nor did I know how brave I really am. I spent the past 48 hours alert, with tensed muscles, clenched jaws, adrenaline rush- I knew she’d pull all stops in her scary manipulative antics and it was going to be really bad before it would be good. I ran through the possible worst-case scenarios and what I would do in each. I was ready to die for this, although I knew the fear-mongering was a bluff that no one has called her on because no one has ever dared. Before me that is. When she speaks about how people fear her and her overwhelming methods in getting her ways, she does so with a smirk that suggests that she is proud of this.

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What good am I to you if I can’t be broken?

I grew up enmeshed with my mother in a suffocating codependent relationship. She is a codependent herself, so the intensity of the emotional manipulation and abuse was twofold. It’s been a tedious and painful journey of cutting myself out of this web whilst fending off the attacks.

I’ve come a far way. Words held such a threatening effect on me. I rarely cried, growing up,but when my parents criticized me, I’d bawl at the drop of a hat. Something in me would give way and tears I didn’t know of would pour out. Their opinion of me mattered, like my life depended on it. Because it literally did. When I came into my teens, the confusion became all the more amplified. I couldn’t find my own identity, it wasn’t possible to distance myself. I was like a marionette doll and I felt I could not survive on my own, so I put up with it. I guess emotional manipulation is a two-way street; I wanted something out of it, too.

Not too long ago, mum lashed out at me like she has been doing lately. She’s utterly frustrated and doesn’t know what’s happening to me, to her, to everything. I can understand the confusion and I empathize with her because she went through what I went through, at the hands of her mother, my grandmother, and my individuation triggers deeply seated pain in her.

On this particular episode, she hit a nerve by accusing me of something I had nothing to do with. She projected her suspicions ,which were completely unfounded, onto me and then made me the target of her ‘justified’ anger. I became enraged, and in a rare turn of events where I talk back I told her calmly but very firmly that she does not have the right to make those allegations. I will not accept that my honesty and clean conscience be tainted with unfounded suspicions. That’s the worst thing one can accuse me of; lies and deception ( I’m an INFJ after all 🙂 )

She was stunned and became quiet. But I knew this wasn’t the end of things; she always had to have the upper hand, the last word. And sure enough, she came around a while later and commenced her ‘all I’ve done for you and all I’ve sacrificed for you’ speech.
She likened me to a project of hers, a house she’s toiled to construct so it could stand tall in its grandeur, and that she could reap the benefits of it. But I sabotaged it all by taking that away from her, by refusing to follow her guidelines she set out for me and ruining my life by insisting on being left to my own devices.

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