Source : Aisha Salem
On the train back to Sweden. If there’s one thing that I can take away from these past 3 enlightening and unfolding weeks is that although I can’t predict or prevent the adversities coming my way, I can always ask and seek a way through everything. And I’ve come to learn that what caused me the most suffering and a feeling of suffocation that made suicide seem like an easier decision is being stuck and not knowing which way is up or down. So the next best thing I could do is try to avoid any and everything that was remotely foggy or convoluted. I’d keep out of the unknown that housed the bulk of my potential and passion, because I didn’t have an existential contingency to fall back on.
It’s easy to say, just put your trust in Allaah when you have not been taken to the edge of rationale and the structure of everything you knew. A place where the mind can no longer rely on mental devices or intellectualizations of the divine. It’s a plunge into the darkness, the sleeping divine feminine, the black light, the place where inspiration is born and the false can’t hold up.
And it’s by repeatedly taking those quantum leaps into what my body detected as death, making it writhe in the most severe mental and physical agony that I didn’t think would ever end, that I came to know Allaah because He’d catch me where there was absolutely nothing before. He’d respond to me in the absolute silence. He’d protect me as violent winds of anxiety whipped my face.
I had to lose everything I’ve come to rely on or turn to so that I can truly know Allaah. So that I wouldn’t doubt the miracles or chalk it up to circumstantial oddities. I quite literally lost my mind over and over again and just as I was sure I was going to be sucked into some existential vortex that’d make me explode into smithereens, I found a silent strength that always was there but hidden by the projections of the ego into the abyss.
Time is what the mind labels the flow of cosmic cycles. There was a time (pun not intended but unavoidable) when time and territories didn’t exist because people weren’t separate from the immediate natural environment they lived in. There was only this moment, and working in tandem with the diurnal flow and the shifts of the season. People lived where they lived, did what they could, put up with the inherent hardships or dangers of the land. They saw themselves as a part of a whole and had reverence for the vastness of the world around them.
It was only when man saw this coexistence as subservience and didn’t want to be ruled by the sun or the winds or God, that he plotted ways of breaking “free”. Of course, breaking up the divine reality never leads to freedom but I digress.
He started forming the phenomenon reality which was a map constructed by thoughts derived from the sensory input of the environment. As this gathered momentum, the split from nature happened and a corresponding internal separation of the subconscious (the nonverbal feminine energy) and the conscious ego ( the verbal masculine energy).
This shift was driven heavily by demonic entities who knew the implications of driving humans away from their existential backdrop. They were very calculated and invested in driving a wedge between the divine signs and consciousness, so that people would live in a Plato’s cave, entertained by shadows and never fathoming the existence of a world outside the cave.
What heals you arises from the silence you hear when you listen to your feelings.
It’s raining. I ask Allaah to wash away like the rain is washing down the earth, everything in me, every image and concept that undermines my evolution. Everything that demands I measure up to a preset template in order to be deemed ok. Everything that contradicts the natural flow. Everything that resists the divine will. Everything that holds my body in tension.
It’s pouring now. Divine showers. May my body be cleansed like the earth is.
To receive love you must be able to not only feel its absence, but understand and make peace with that vacuous wound. In ways, you can’t receive love until you’re able to empathize with yourself. Otherwise it’ll be your ego exploiting the love, and that wound of absence that is in most desperate need of that love will never get it. Because it’s an abomination to the ego. An Achilles heel. A reminder of mortality. It bursts the grandiose bubble. It humbles. Quite paradoxical no? Not really. Things just don’t work in the linear fashion as demanded by a controlling mind. It labels what it hasn’t calculated or what falls outside its spectrum “odd”, “paradoxical”, “weird”, “unreliable”.
Just watched* A Quiet Place and it spurred intuitive ideas about mothering and divine mothering, that is the archetype of motherhood. Beyond the physical and biological implications of motherhood I thought about the spiritual and emotional capacities. And that’s when I discovered my core gifts : love, security and guidance. Or in other words, nurturing, abundance and understanding. The 3 things I’ve lacked the most in my life. And things are more clear because it makes sense that if I was created with these qualities I had to lead a life of the polarities in order to grow and understand through that intense contrast. And that’s what it’s been for me in the past 13 years. Mothering myself. Trying to understand my empathetic and intuitive gifts. Learning in a highly unusual and heuristic way. Devoting myself to healing.
Just earlier I thought to myself that had I not surrendered to the countless trauma and suffering that’s been piled up back to back, I would remain stuck. It was my willingness to regroup, be introspective, be brutally honest about why I’m in this situation even if others did me wrong, and map things together intuitively that allowed me to be receptive to the divine wisdom. But then again, that’s why Allaah tested me to the extent that He did. He knew I would only become bolder under pressure and if I wasn’t so I wouldn’t be put through the high-pressure cooker that my adult life has been.
I’m just so grateful to come face to face with my core. I never thought this would happen.
* this was over 2 months ago and it’s been sitting in my drafts until now for no apparent reason 🙄