Inthrough you

I had a dream, many years ago, in which I was back at my old school (Islamic) in between a group of 3 religious sisters wearing niqaab, and 4 brothers wearing khamiis. Before us, at a distance was a block of rocky hills that were quite steep. My eye caught something, someone, camouflaged very well in the middle of the rocks, with its side facing us. I realized it was Iblees. Just as I was about to raise alarm, he broke free from the camouflage, swiveled forward and started breaking off chunks of the hills to throw at us. I told the groups to start running but to keep close to me. I was reading Qur’aan, perhaps aayatul kursi, and it created a protective field of light around us as we ran. For some reason, the field was only emanating from me.

I remember this dream as I had a realization that evil is stagnant and exerts its influence through being hidden and not alerting people to its true source. Awareness can’t be contained and power is static. That’s why manipulation and mind control are tools used by these forces. They induce trauma to shut the person down so that they can’t move in a cohesive manner. They trigger the amygdala, which is the offswitch of the human brain because it hijacks the rest of the brain and in particular, the frontal lobe which houses impulse control, future planning (executive functions) sequencing and comparing, attention, speech, memory formation, analyzing feelings of others.

I speculate that the frontal lobe is the masculine energy and the amygdala (arousal, memory, hormone secretion, emotional response) is the feminine. When the feminine is triggered, the masculine is hijacked and made inept.

Perhaps the two groups represented the masculine and feminine energies of my psyche and that through balancing them and leading them, the demonic attacks would be harmless.

Avoidance is a type of hiding

This video made me realize how deeply men hide. They hide behind tattoos, bodysculpting, gangs, violence, misleading words, humour, allegiances, prejudices, etc.

Women often demand that men be more transparent, communicate better, be more honest, vulnerable, etc. But I wonder how much of that is really genuine, and how much of it is rooted in a desire to not bear the burden of the thoughts that get triggered when faced with uncertainty? I’d surmise almost all of it is selfish.

Before you ask a man to show up as his true self, make sure you have the ability to create a space free of expectations, projections, your own fears and insecurities etc. Make sure it’s not a suit or a mould he’s stepping into. A role you want him to play so that you won’t have to deal with the thoughts that terrorize you in your solitude.

And take the time to differentiate and be honest with yourself about it. When we believe that others have what we’re deficient in, we place an unnecessary burden on them. A burden of entitlement and desperation. A desperation to flee the harsh atmosphere created by self-hating and self-erasing thoughts.

No participation trophy

Don’t seek kindness in a man, seek respect. Anyone who wants to manipulate you can act kind, but respect involves self-restraint and brutal honesty. The clearest sign of commitment is him preferring you over his ego.

A man isn’t your father, nor are you a child anymore. So don’t seek to quell childhood lacks or insecurities through him. Don’t seek respect, for that matter, just so you can feel validated or eradicate a doubt in your worth. Don’t use love to feed your ego, because anything ego touches it contaminates. A man’s innate strength is to provide what he has, not compensate for what you lack. There’s a subtle difference.

And for the love of God, don’t lead a man you know you’re not resonating with, on. You know when a man is into you, hopeful in your entertainment of his interactions so don’t abuse another’s heart just because it boosts your confidence or makes you feel like you’re wanted. Such an act obscures your heart and may very well cloud it from attracting the one with whom you’d fully resonate with. Don’t follow your ego by encouraging his flattery.

Have patience and be consistent in practicing integrity.

A buffé of ways to die

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m a heart-based person. Mind and all its intricate processes, comes in second. I don’t like to read books unless I’ve been inspired by an intention or intuition. I don’t like formulating goals and concepts mentally.

Wherever I’m forced to use my head primarily, I feel suffocated and I shut down. It’s taken me a long time to come to this realization and adapt to my unusual proclivities. I listen to the nonverbal and I decipher the unwritten. I’m better equipped at creating a new system from scratch than trying to integrate into an existing one.

I have to feel into the whole to understand the context for the part. I have to know the emotional state of someone before I can understand their words. I have to empathize with someone before I can criticize them.

I don’t think I have to tell you how incredibly difficult life has been for me. I’ve always felt too much and yet not enough. I’ve felt like an absolutely disastrous failure, a glitch, for not being able to pick a side or category or option presented to me by society. I didn’t know why there was something inhibiting me, a fullness that was invisible yet very much tangible. At least to me.

Being called by an inner, compelling vision, I always feared that sacrificing the security of what exists would come back to haunt me when I’d discover that the vision was in fact a mirage. I’d often wonder, is this how it feels to slowly lose your mind? What if these transcendental experiences are initiations into a psychosis that I’ll never get out of?

But how can you lose your mind if you’re not using it to find the unknown? This, too, took me very long to discover. About, say, 13 years. I just made that discovery today.

Allaah has truly been my Wali because none of this came to me intellectually.

It is that deep

Despite all attempts at denial and obfuscation there is an unconscious factor, a black sun, which is responsible for the surprisingly common phenomenon of masculine split-mindedness, when the right hand mustn’t know what the left is doing. This split in the masculine psyche and the regular darkening of the moon in woman together explain the remarkable fact that the woman is accused of all the darkness in a man, while he himself basks in the thought that he is a veritable fount of vitality and illumination for the females in his environment. Actually he would be better advised to shroud the brilliance of his mind in the profoundest doubt. It is not difficult for this type of mind (which besides other things is a great trickster like Mercurius) to admit a host of sins in the most convincing way, and even to combine it with a spurious feeling of ethical surperiority without in the least approximating to a genuine insight. This can never be achieved without the participation of feeling; but the intellect admits feeling only when it is convenient. The novilunium of woman is a source of countless disappointments for man which easily turns to bitterness, though they could equally well be a source of wisdom if they were understood. Naturally this is possible only if he is prepared to acknowledge his black sun, that is, his Shadow.

– C. G. Jung, Mysterium Coniunctionis

My superpower is protecting the world from my shadow

I absolutely have the temper of a reer Mudug Sagittarius so it’s a miracle that I didn’t end up with anger issues that could rival that of the kid Russell in Deadpool 2 (just finished watching it. Surprised that the humour didn’t make me cringe.) I don’t let out my anger easily. Only when someone has blatantly and disrespectfully ignored my warnings. Then I’ll blast them till their eardrums pop like my voice was a jet plane.

I’m very kind, and it’s not a kindness out of guilt or fear. I’m the type to fuck up a prick abusing his girl in public or tell off a gang of kids bullying another, or tell of a mother doing her child wrong. When I see power struggles in public I lose all sense of social manners. That’s when all my anger gets out and I’m seriously prepared to go down hard for that.

But if it’s someone doing me dirty I just doorslam them and erase them from my heart forever. Ever. Ever. I’m very forgiving but once I reach that threshold where I realize someone is counting on my forgiveness and taking my kindness for granted, I’m disgusted and done.

I have standoffs with my mum and you’d think I’m the worst daughter ever. But she knows when that happens is when she pushes my buttons and expects my usual kindness. I can’t doorslam her so I seriously put her in her place when she’s abusing her parental powers bordering on emotional abuse. But that never clouds my empathy and trying to do my best. And because she knows this, she lets it go even if she’s salty. It’s not perfect but I never aimed to be perfect, just honest.

Watching Deadpool 2 made me realize that I could be somewhere on the superhero spectrum because I neither deny or project my pain. I sit smack dab in the middle of that pain and quarantine it so it doesn’t leak out. That’s fucking badassery, and it’s ok if that bragging makes you cringe because it’s honest to God the truth. Isn’t it ironic how many years it took me to be able to look at myself and acknowledge my out of this world strength? All I ever could see was the pain that crippled me, people that took advantage of me and rarely appreciated me, and their projections that rained down upon me when I didn’t please them. And did I internalize that or what! Whew. You’d think my heart was Chernobyl. I’m sure my personality is some type of mutation from enduring all that fucked up trauma since I was 5 fucking years old (any scientists wanna pick my brains?)

Fallen kingdom

Dominating and oppressive dynamics first develop in the individual where the mind rules the heart ; where thoughts trump emotions ; where the familiar is preferred over the potential.

Any revolution or uprising won’t prevail until the microcosmic functions that promote wellbeing and harmony are recognized and understood. People add resistance to resistance, effectively calcifying the blocks in the human spirit.

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