Source : Aisha Salem
I was watching a video on a MKUltra monarch program survivor and something she said made me stop dead in my tracks:
She said, a lot of trauma survivors create unsafe environments for their inner child to come forward with the trauma. They recreate their trauma so as to prevent its processing by numbing the pain with physical pain and overstimulation. Basically, drowning out the inner screams of agony.
I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t undergone extensive trauma can relate to this but it’s bonechilling to me because that’s exactly what I had been doing for all these years up until 2 years ago. I tried to erase and kill the traumatized parts of me and live an alternate life just so I wouldn’t have to go back in and relive the shit. Everytime I attempted suicide it was because the traumatized parts of me broke free to my consciousness and I just wanted to jump ship.
Retain your calmness. Don’t abandon your post in this moment. War is raging outside and anyone not firmly grounded in the pillar of love extending through the breath of life will be snatched and snuffed.
Being present in the moment is the only portal to the true light. Being grounded in the now will burn away every false construct because it’ll make you feel what’s wrong and uncomfortable. By feeling that you’re less susceptible to being lured and seduced by diabolical illusions promising you protection from pain.
Hint : heaven is the only place where pain ceases to be. As long as we’re in this body and this fragmented realm, we’ll feel pain. However, it’s only meant to shock us into alignment. We feel pain when we’re out of alignment, which is another reason why pain is made to look like some boogeyman so that the allure of illusions is strengthened by a survival instinct to be protected from any and all pain (because it’s been overlayed with false information about what it means).
Me to me: why does it hurt when I give attention to my feelings?
Me to me : because you’re finally feeling parts of you that you used to ignore
Me to me: Is it worth it? Things seemed easier when I used to dissociate
Me to me : dissociating is like being homeless because you don’t want to deal with the possibility of being woken up by the sound of the fire alarm and the ensuing panic and chaos. Feeling is like learning to find the calm in every storm so that you don’t have avoid life and what naturally comes with it.
Me to me: you’re so wise
Me to me : thank the trauma
Me to trauma : thank you trauma
Trauma to me: don’t thank me, thank Allaah
Me to Allaah : thank You. Thank You for not giving up on me
Love gives form to your formless spirit and it gives you the context that acts as gravity on your being, stopping you from aimlessly floating in space. Or worse, being stuck in the hamster wheel of others orbits.
Love wherever you are, and watch your emotional landscape take back its shape from the sterile blank stare of intellectualization. Just like in spring.
You’re not a window seat on the bus. You’re the horizon you’re getting lost in, oblivious that you’ve missed your stop. The bus is the interval, not you. Remember that.
I’ve been seeking shelter in the darknesses of denial, invisibility, dissociation, escapism, nightowling. But now, I’ve been called to seek protection in Allaah through the light, through showing up and leaving nothing of me behind. Not even my shadow.
In the light, fear has nowhere to hide.