Hide and See

You ask me with slight contempt in your voice, why are you so obese.

– Because I’m bloated with all the screams I had to muffle, all the shooting stars I had to repress, all the bitterness I had to swallow, all the bullets I had to bite, all the sensitivities I had to hide, all the times I had to hold my breath to keep from flinching in the face of the predators so as not to show them any fear. My body held on to everything I tried to discard and piled them up to show me everything I’ve tried to disregard. I can run but I can’t hide anymore.

Fat protected me better than my parents ever could.

Sacred scars

I feel the most positive and encouraged that I’ve felt in all my 13+ years depressed.

These past 4 months in particular have been especially taxing as I did a deep dive in shadow work and fostering my inner divine feminine, which entailed encountering several negative women archetypes.

And I can finally see how the dark connects to the light and I finally have an answer to a question that’s been echoing throughout my journey ; is my suffering worth it? And it absolutely is. I dedicated the best years to doing something that I had absolutely no concrete proof or precedence or peers in. Only a persistent intuition and faith in Allaah who was guiding me and teaching me throughout it all. I never expected that anything would come out of it. I did it to save my heart, frankly. I keep telling Allaah, if it wasn’t for Your active presence in my life, I would absolutely have committed suicide because there’s no way I’d keep living in a dreary and ruthless world like that. I was always one step away from the edge. So my shadow work was never a spiritual bypass or an attempt at keeping a facade. I’ve been in the midst of the muck for so long that everyone associates me with reclusiveness and as someone with wasted potential. And I genuinely don’t care that people look down on me. If they do hold me in high esteem it’s always for the most fickle and shallow reasons, so it doesn’t mean much. I say all that to say that my shadow work was never something I set out to do but as someone with compounded emotional and mental fracture and deep trauma, and as someone whose mind works at a different pace and pattern than most, the only way I’d find healing is by creating it myself. I started trekking out into trying to get somewhat of a grasp on mental health in 2008. I’d read self-help books that did more damage because they were deceptive in their promise and connected to ego instead of universal truths. I kept ending up in dead-end alleys which would lead to suicide attempts each time. A lot of trial and error, restarted by surviving and realizing that the only way to get out of the rock bottom is by finding a way to scale the walls. I became numb but had to keep my focus locked on that faint light at the distance to keep from succumbing to the overwhelming darkness I was immersed in. It’s haunting, seductive, tempting, the darkness, and to fold feels as easy as water rolling into a glass from a jug tilted at an angle, pouring it out.

There’s nothing to prepare you for that. It feels like a primordial battle on a wider scale, like this has been done before, and there are so so many half-way graves and remnants of people who didn’t make it out. I feel connected to their spirits and it’d give me added incentive to not only make it out for myself but to finish the trek on behalf of those who died trying.

Can I just live

Do I have high expectations for myself? Maybe. Maybe I hold on to impossible expectations because for a very long while it’s been the only way I could conjure an end to the endless insanity. Perhaps I conflate expectations with hope. Perhaps sky-high ambitions were the only way I’d remember that the blue sky doesn’t disappear with the dusk. It’ll be here tomorrow, even when my dreams and plans aren’t.

Be the shade to another 🍃

Sometimes God needs to push you overboard and make you sink into the belly of a whale to create a new path back to the surface for the countless shackled by fear of the depths. Sometimes He sends you into the darkness because He created a special light in you that comes alive in the dark. Sometimes you’re the answer to a prayer of a broken-hearted one.

Dying is for the weak

People are so neurotic that they propagate a mercy ration where you’re only eligible for Allaah’s Mercy if you try harder. These types of lies are the most damning and damaging beliefs circulating the planet right now. People are unwittingly making a caricature out of the divine, likening Him to a paternalistic, perfectionistic, hard-nosed figure. This is called anthropopathism where human feelings are projected on a deity. In Islaam it’s called tashbeeh.

If I knew this when I was younger I wouldn’t be driven to suicide. If I knew this when I was younger I wouldn’t be so damn hard on myself. But all I kept hearing was you have to try harder, you have to convince yourself, you won’t be getting help from Allaah by just sitting there.

Bedtime is all the time

Summer makes me feel very ashamed and vulnerable because it reminds me just how bad my depression is when I see everyone so happy and making exciting plans and I just want to shut the blinds and be in my bed. Winter made me feel safe. I felt sad when it was fading out because it felt like the night was over and dawn was going to wake everything up but me. Nothing can wake me up because I’m sleepwalking.

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