Sometimes God needs to push you overboard and make you sink into the belly of a whale to create a new path back to the surface for the countless shackled by fear of the depths. Sometimes He sends you into the darkness because He created a special light in you that comes alive in the dark. Sometimes you’re the answer to a prayer of a broken-hearted one.
People are so neurotic that they propagate a mercy ration where you’re only eligible for Allaah’s Mercy if you try harder. These types of lies are the most damning and damaging beliefs circulating the planet right now. People are unwittingly making a caricature out of the divine, likening Him to a paternalistic, perfectionistic, hard-nosed figure. This is called anthropopathism where human feelings are projected on a deity. In Islaam it’s called tashbeeh.
If I knew this when I was younger I wouldn’t be driven to suicide. If I knew this when I was younger I wouldn’t be so damn hard on myself. But all I kept hearing was you have to try harder, you have to convince yourself, you won’t be getting help from Allaah by just sitting there.
Summer makes me feel very ashamed and vulnerable because it reminds me just how bad my depression is when I see everyone so happy and making exciting plans and I just want to shut the blinds and be in my bed. Winter made me feel safe. I felt sad when it was fading out because it felt like the night was over and dawn was going to wake everything up but me. Nothing can wake me up because I’m sleepwalking.
The spiritual atmosphere of the world is actually extremely toxic; more toxic than the physical environment and seas that we stay worried about. In fact, the physical degradation of the planet and toxicity is a direct result of the toxicity that has beset humanity today. I do not say this in a vague, esoteric manner. It’s very, very real. The more sensitive of us are either debilitated by depression – the asphyxiation of spirit – or have lost the battle and died by suicide. We’re the canaries in the coal mines, and people seem to think we fall prey to these seemingly mysterious phenomena because we’re somehow weaker or less ambitious than others. But we’re perishing as the animals are and the environment is eroding. The suffering is writ large on the horizon, and yet we burrow even deeper into the landfill of hedonism and hoard illusions of disconnection. There’s nowhere to escape earth. There’s nowhere to escape your mind. There’s nowhere to escape Allaah. The healing of one person, the waking up to one’s own suffering without bypassing straight into theories of global domination of the dark cabal and chemtrails, is infinitely more powerful than America. I do not say that lightly or hyperbolically. One truthful heart is enough to channel the divine light. But we can’t keep skipping past the “boring” part right into dancing in fields, ascending to new earth, and namaste all day. It doesn’t work that way. We actually have to clean things up, transmute things, be in the dark and the dirty until it’s not so dark or dirty. We can’t just elect to teleport elsewhere or wish to discover other planets to escape to.
You don’t have to be ok in order to be ok. You don’t have to ward off whatever is bringing you down or protect yourself from slipping back into depression for you to be ok.
You know why?
Because Allaah doesn’t need you to do anything special or perform in a way that makes you eligible to receive help. You don’t need to be anything other than what you are and where you are for Allaah to respond to you. His mercy doesn’t need a welcoming committee or a bridge or an open door to reach you. His mercy is the welcoming committe, the bridge and the door and the act of opening to make space for the entrance of His light.
You don’t have to fix yourself. You don’t have to discipline yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself. You don’t have to avoid anything. You just have to have khushooc in the middle of everything that’s ever wrong. Don’t run away, or escape. Go deeper, seek Allaah’s aid.
He is al-Waasic (الواسع) the Vast, who will broaden your horizons
He is ash-Shaheed,(الشهيد) the Witness, who knows how much effort and struggle you go through to do 1/10th of what people who don’t battle mental illness or chronic illness do easy breezy.
He is al-Mateen, (المتين) the Firm, who will keep you steadfast when you’re wobbly.
He is al-Mubdi’, (المبدئ) the originator/initiator/catalyst who will start for you what you’ve been procrastinating.
He is al-Qaabid, (القابض) the restrainer, who will keep you together when your world is falling apart and will keep you from destroying yourself.
He is al-Musawwir, (المصوّر) the giver of forms, who will flesh out your vision and give your dreams definition.
He is al-Qahhaar,( القهّار) the subduer, who will subdue the terrifying waves towering over you, threatening you with their stature and the obstacles that give you so much anxiety.
He is al-Mucizz, (المعز) the giver of honour, who will safeguard your truth and dignify you by it even if others hate it.
He is ash-Shakur,(الشكور) the grateful, who appreciates every intention, every fleeting thought that is of a good nature, every single step, every half-baked effort, every unfinished endeavour. He recognizes you.
He is al-Xafeed (الحفيظ) the preserver/protector, who will protect what you love the most and preserve your creative legacy.
He is al-Waajid, (الواجد) the perceiving finder, who will find that needle in the haystack for you.
He is al-Baaqi, (الباقي) the immutable, who will never change or switch on you.
He is al-Muceed,(المعيد) the restorer, who will bring back the essence of everything you’ve lost, of the youth that was lost to depression.
He is ar-Razzaaq, (الرزّاق) the sustainer, who will provide for you even if everyone turns their backs on you.
He is as-Salaam (السلام) the ultimate provider of peace, who will be your calm in the storm, your underground bunker in an apocalypse.
You need to realize that you can’t do what only Allaah can do, and the only thing required of you is to surrender every false notion or ego that tries to vie with the divine. Don’t try to find honour in being untouchable or always getting something right. Don’t base your life on a false identity that is aligned with iblees template of going rogue to find glory. You receive glory in keeping your heart open through being true to yourself, at all times.
وَلَوْلَا فَضْلُ اللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَتُهُ مَا زَكَىٰ مِنكُم مِّنْ أَحَدٍ أَبَدًا وَلَٰكِنَّ اللَّهَ يُزَكِّي مَن يَشَاءُ وَاللَّهُ سَمِيعٌ عَلِيمٌ
And had it not been for the Grace of Allaah and His Mercy on you, not one of you would ever have been pure from sins. But Allaah purifies whom He wills, and Allaah is All-Hearer, All-Knower.
I fought hard for my right to fall apart without a contingency plan. No, I don’t have an estimate of when I’ll be better. These things usually barge in uninvited and stay for however long, so.
I’ve made peace with the worst you could do to me ; kick me out on the streets? Kill me? It’s alright. I’ve seen a worse fate in having to deal with this chaotic, deceptive world being estranged from my soul. A hell without purification. A prison with no sentence. There’s nothing you can conjure that can make me abandon myself.