Friendship manifesto

*wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar = we have nothing to say to each other.

If you’re using our interaction as an escape from presence – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to control or predict my emotional range so that you can remain a step ahead – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to gaslight or downplay my detection of your inconsistencies or incongruence- I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you withhold how you truly feel because you fear how I may respond to that and instead you look for ways to ambush me or project on me without implicating your vulnerable feelings – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you are more concerned with feeling like a good friend than figuring out whether you actually are a good friend – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you override what you know about me with your suspicions or projections to avoid remaining present with whatever you feel threatened by – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re going to deflect or deny what I’m intuitively picking up from you and consciously choose to put up a wall instead of engaging me – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you expect me to write off your actions because of your original intentions as if your uncommunicated intentions trumps the consequences of your actions – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you don’t want your feet held to the fire – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more bothered with criticism than you are about the emotional impact of your inconsiderate behaviour – I’m sorry,wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’ve pre-set the extent to which you want this interaction to expand and grow – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more concerned with controlling how I perceive you than you are with reflecting on what I mirror back to you – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you show kindness or tolerate my annoying shit because you want that to be a credit to deflect or defend a future conflict – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you think that the reason I’m being patient with you or holding space for you or having understanding for you is due to something you did to deserve that – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

In short, if you don’t want my unconditional, unpredictable, uncensored, unmitigated presence and expression – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

This is not to rebuke these behaviours and proclivities because we’re all on different phases and journeys, but just a clarification of the type of space I need to thrive.

I’m not an essay

I’m not gonna let you remodel my reality, my truth just because it makes you feel some typa way. Not now after I’ve spent years and years in pursuit of seeking the truth you’ve been confusing and gaslighting me about.

I didn’t push back then out of love and empathy because that’s all I knew.

I push back now out self-love and authenticity because I know how to now. I’ve found the balance, as I refused being pushed into the other extreme by your neuroticism. I’ve been hurt but I’m not going to lose sight of the truth because of that. Clarity of mind is the only thing that has allowed me to see a way through this smoke.

▶ Play it back

If someone projects on me instead of connecting to me when in doubt or when I seem ambivalent, then I’m no longer going to take on that guilt and absolve the person for their transgressing judgment that they then affect me with, either verbally or emotionally.

I used to think that empathizing with me in my silence would be a tall order, and so I internalized and normalized the projections and adapted to them. I would fear leaving an ambivalent gap without putting the person at ease. This, at the expense of the person inquiring into my withdrawal- or not.

I’m no longer responding to shame or acting on guilt. Someone conflating their feelings with my actions is a lazy, egotistical, insecure person and I don’t have room to do homeworks for others. I got my own.

Sign the dotted line

I can accommodate for you but I can’t make my mental health adapt to your convenience. If a last-minute cancelation annoys you more than you’re concerned for the anxiety attack that made me do it, then I’m sorry to tell you that there will probably be many such inconveniences in the future ; changing my mind, wanting to be alone, not being able to finish an assignment, backing out of a project, ending a trip early. I’ve tried to discipline my mental disorders and regulate the attacks so that I can work around having to clash with commitments and expectations. It was not only impossible but it was deeply unfair to myself and traumatized me further and deeper. I was effectively telling myself that I didn’t matter and that it’s normal and ok for others to not be understanding and empathetic. I shouldered the guilt on top of everything else.

So now, this is where I stand : my mental health issues are just a symptom of adapting to a toxic system. The more that I can care and hold space for my sensitivities and vulnerabilities, the more efficient and proactive I can be. When the weakest link in me is protected, all of me is protected and anyone who finds that ridiculous is someone I don’t want to mingle with. Period. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about being a considerate human being who can make space for other than one’s ego. Someone who’s unable to transcend their base desires and neurotic habits of controlling others and the weather is someone I’m fundamentally incompatible with.

Doesn’t seem right

Don’t expect people to see you the way God sees you when they are willfully unconscious of the fact that God sees them! Someone judging you through a warped lens is worse off than you because though you know that their judgment is warped, they clearly don’t. Their self-assurance can’t afford spotting distortion, so they’ll twist everything else, including themselves, like a pretzel so that they don’t have an ego meltdown.

Leave them be. Don’t bother explaining anything or defending yourself. Know your truth and let others have the prerogative to choose their perception. They can’t override the divine order which favours truth and humility.

energy burglars 

I’m not here to be nice to people. 

I’m here to be nice to myself. 
And those who aren’t ok with that
I aint gonna pander to them
My love aint a public park

It’s most exclusive and secluded 
Transgress at your own risk

Shine, my sister 

The overarching theme of a woman’s life is sacrifice, giving, generosity.

Your task then is to create boundaries and let go of whatever disturbs your soul. there’s nothing noble in enduring toxicity.

If we don’t know how to rejuvenate ourselves, we’ll be giving from a place of nothingness, basically from emotional debt. This leads to exacting the debt from others by manipulating them into giving us the emotional currency we lack. Guilt tripping, projecting, passive aggressiveness, gaslighting.

Maternal narcissism is a prime example of what happens when a woman relinquishes her self hood for fear of having the ‘good woman ‘ revoked. So she uses her position as a mother to live vicariously through her kids which stunts their growth.

Patriarchy can’t stand if we take ownership of our narratives and full responsibility of our growth. No form of oppression or injustice exist in a vacuum. No matter what others say or do to you, you always have the final say in how you choose to interpret the circumstances.

People will oppress and violate others regardless of what they are told. Don’t wait for evil to go away for you to feel safe enough to practice goodness. No, that’s like waiting for the darkness to dissipate before you can lighten a candle.

Be good, even if everyone is bad. Be honest even if everyone is dishonest. Be loving even if everyone is manipulative. Be courageous even if everyone is conforming. Be trusting even if everyone is deceitful. Be appreciative even if everyone is ungrateful. Be you even if everyone is vehemently against that.

Do good even if no one recognizes or acknowledges it. Do good as a way to keep that lone candle in your soul flickering.

That’s how the darkness is pushed back; not through pleading or trying to appeal to its higher conscience. It doesn’t have a conscience. Once it possesses a person it numbs their empathy. 
Darkness is like a bad habit, you create a new, parallel habit and the bad habit will eventually fade as a result of being starved of reinforcement.

When you maintain your integrity in the face of injustices, you starve it of focus and energy.

Shine my sister.

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