My superpower is protecting the world from my shadow

I absolutely have the temper of a reer Mudug Sagittarius so it’s a miracle that I didn’t end up with anger issues that could rival that of the kid Russell in Deadpool 2 (just finished watching it. Surprised that the humour didn’t make me cringe.) I don’t let out my anger easily. Only when someone has blatantly and disrespectfully ignored my warnings. Then I’ll blast them till their eardrums pop like my voice was a jet plane.

I’m very kind, and it’s not a kindness out of guilt or fear. I’m the type to fuck up a prick abusing his girl in public or tell off a gang of kids bullying another, or tell of a mother doing her child wrong. When I see power struggles in public I lose all sense of social manners. That’s when all my anger gets out and I’m seriously prepared to go down hard for that.

But if it’s someone doing me dirty I just doorslam them and erase them from my heart forever. Ever. Ever. I’m very forgiving but once I reach that threshold where I realize someone is counting on my forgiveness and taking my kindness for granted, I’m disgusted and done.

I have standoffs with my mum and you’d think I’m the worst daughter ever. But she knows when that happens is when she pushes my buttons and expects my usual kindness. I can’t doorslam her so I seriously put her in her place when she’s abusing her parental powers bordering on emotional abuse. But that never clouds my empathy and trying to do my best. And because she knows this, she lets it go even if she’s salty. It’s not perfect but I never aimed to be perfect, just honest.

Watching Deadpool 2 made me realize that I could be somewhere on the superhero spectrum because I neither deny or project my pain. I sit smack dab in the middle of that pain and quarantine it so it doesn’t leak out. That’s fucking badassery, and it’s ok if that bragging makes you cringe because it’s honest to God the truth. Isn’t it ironic how many years it took me to be able to look at myself and acknowledge my out of this world strength? All I ever could see was the pain that crippled me, people that took advantage of me and rarely appreciated me, and their projections that rained down upon me when I didn’t please them. And did I internalize that or what! Whew. You’d think my heart was Chernobyl. I’m sure my personality is some type of mutation from enduring all that fucked up trauma since I was 5 fucking years old (any scientists wanna pick my brains?)

A part-time gig

I can’t respect anyone who appropriates the truth when the only time they acknowledge it fully is when it’s wind in their sails or they’re stuck. Being truthful is about more than just being honest. It’s about holding it sacred and always striving towards it in every situation and with every effort. It’s a lifetime commitment and most people seem to be commitment phobes.

Don’t defend yourself in a kangaroo court

If someone chooses to believe a false and unfair rumour and narrative about you despite them knowing you well enough to be able to discern the accuracy of that rumour, then it’s not because the rumour was particularly convincing. It’s because the rumour triggered their ego in such a way that they found it served a purpose to feed into it. Perhaps it was to deflect a latent inferiority they felt in relation to you and by believing the rumour they could feel justified in looking down on you, or it tapped into some self-conscious fear that justified withdrawing and hiding behind that rumour to avoid guilt.

Whatever it is, know that what someone chooses to believe isn’t random or arbitrary so don’t lose yourself in trying to explain yourself to someone who has already made their mind up and left no space for your truth.

▶ Play it back

If someone projects on me instead of connecting to me when in doubt or when I seem ambivalent, then I’m no longer going to take on that guilt and absolve the person for their transgressing judgment that they then affect me with, either verbally or emotionally.

I used to think that empathizing with me in my silence would be a tall order, and so I internalized and normalized the projections and adapted to them. I would fear leaving an ambivalent gap without putting the person at ease. This, at the expense of the person inquiring into my withdrawal- or not.

I’m no longer responding to shame or acting on guilt. Someone conflating their feelings with my actions is a lazy, egotistical, insecure person and I don’t have room to do homeworks for others. I got my own.

Sign the dotted line

I can accommodate for you but I can’t make my mental health adapt to your convenience. If a last-minute cancelation annoys you more than you’re concerned for the anxiety attack that made me do it, then I’m sorry to tell you that there will probably be many such inconveniences in the future ; changing my mind, wanting to be alone, not being able to finish an assignment, backing out of a project, ending a trip early. I’ve tried to discipline my mental disorders and regulate the attacks so that I can work around having to clash with commitments and expectations. It was not only impossible but it was deeply unfair to myself and traumatized me further and deeper. I was effectively telling myself that I didn’t matter and that it’s normal and ok for others to not be understanding and empathetic. I shouldered the guilt on top of everything else.

So now, this is where I stand : my mental health issues are just a symptom of adapting to a toxic system. The more that I can care and hold space for my sensitivities and vulnerabilities, the more efficient and proactive I can be. When the weakest link in me is protected, all of me is protected and anyone who finds that ridiculous is someone I don’t want to mingle with. Period. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about being a considerate human being who can make space for other than one’s ego. Someone who’s unable to transcend their base desires and neurotic habits of controlling others and the weather is someone I’m fundamentally incompatible with.

Know what the truth ain’t

For a human being who hungers for truth, what is most beautiful is that which is most truthful. If the road to truth means having to learn what is untrue and to face unconsciousness and obstacles within ourselves, the lover of truth gladly accepts the challenge. Each time we expose and face that which is untrue, we are that much closer to what is true.

– Mariana Caplan, Eyes Wide Open : cultivating discernment on the spirit path

No more posts.