A part-time gig

I can’t respect anyone who appropriates the truth when the only time they acknowledge it fully is when it’s wind in their sails or they’re stuck. Being truthful is about more than just being honest. It’s about holding it sacred and always striving towards it in every situation and with every effort. It’s a lifetime commitment and most people seem to be commitment phobes.

Don’t defend yourself in a kangaroo court

If someone chooses to believe a false and unfair rumour and narrative about you despite them knowing you well enough to be able to discern the accuracy of that rumour, then it’s not because the rumour was particularly convincing. It’s because the rumour triggered their ego in such a way that they found it served a purpose to feed into it. Perhaps it was to deflect a latent inferiority they felt in relation to you and by believing the rumour they could feel justified in looking down on you, or it tapped into some self-conscious fear that justified withdrawing and hiding behind that rumour to avoid guilt.

Whatever it is, know that what someone chooses to believe isn’t random or arbitrary so don’t lose yourself in trying to explain yourself to someone who has already made their mind up and left no space for your truth.

▶ Play it back

If someone projects on me instead of connecting to me when in doubt or when I seem ambivalent, then I’m no longer going to take on that guilt and absolve the person for their transgressing judgment that they then affect me with, either verbally or emotionally.

I used to think that empathizing with me in my silence would be a tall order, and so I internalized and normalized the projections and adapted to them. I would fear leaving an ambivalent gap without putting the person at ease. This, at the expense of the person inquiring into my withdrawal- or not.

I’m no longer responding to shame or acting on guilt. Someone conflating their feelings with my actions is a lazy, egotistical, insecure person and I don’t have room to do homeworks for others. I got my own.

Sign the dotted line

I can accommodate for you but I can’t make my mental health adapt to your convenience. If a last-minute cancelation annoys you more than you’re concerned for the anxiety attack that made me do it, then I’m sorry to tell you that there will probably be many such inconveniences in the future ; changing my mind, wanting to be alone, not being able to finish an assignment, backing out of a project, ending a trip early. I’ve tried to discipline my mental disorders and regulate the attacks so that I can work around having to clash with commitments and expectations. It was not only impossible but it was deeply unfair to myself and traumatized me further and deeper. I was effectively telling myself that I didn’t matter and that it’s normal and ok for others to not be understanding and empathetic. I shouldered the guilt on top of everything else.

So now, this is where I stand : my mental health issues are just a symptom of adapting to a toxic system. The more that I can care and hold space for my sensitivities and vulnerabilities, the more efficient and proactive I can be. When the weakest link in me is protected, all of me is protected and anyone who finds that ridiculous is someone I don’t want to mingle with. Period. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about being a considerate human being who can make space for other than one’s ego. Someone who’s unable to transcend their base desires and neurotic habits of controlling others and the weather is someone I’m fundamentally incompatible with.

Know what the truth ain’t

For a human being who hungers for truth, what is most beautiful is that which is most truthful. If the road to truth means having to learn what is untrue and to face unconsciousness and obstacles within ourselves, the lover of truth gladly accepts the challenge. Each time we expose and face that which is untrue, we are that much closer to what is true.

– Mariana Caplan, Eyes Wide Open : cultivating discernment on the spirit path

Truth is buried to kill pain

I had to take my time to sift through the world for the truth. I had to know all the ways the truth wouldn’t manifest and wouldn’t behave. That’s how I learnt to recognize what to avoid and not engage at all. I had to, in order to know that the battles I’m fighting are worthwhile and not projections of my ego. I had to in order to know that my intuition was true. I had to in order to trust God.

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