I won’t dictate what you see in me, that’s your prerogative. But I won’t respond to anything but my truth.
Because I used to fear isolation and being ostracized, I came to fear my feelings or more specifically, I’d fear the implications of having feelings that put me at odds with those around me. So I came to seek comfort in validation because it was killing 2 birds with 1 stone ; I got to escape the tension arising from my inner conflict of navigating a world that was do dialectically opposed to me, and I got my existential fear of being stranded quelled by the lack of resistance from others ( i. e. acceptance).
Of course, the struggle and tension didn’t leave me just because I left me. It became even more volatile and threatening, spurring more inauthenticity and people pleasing in a bid to flee myself. I didn’t want to bear the burden of potentially alienating others because of me.
I suffered the consequences of seeking harbour in others and I lived through the flipside of being accepted ; enslavement. I was effectively emotionally enslaved, both by my rejection of self that made it impossible to be autonomous and the constant existential threat embodied in social acceptance and belonging. It took me years to dig my way out of this because it was like hopping from the frying pan into the fire. Not only did I have to deal with my own existential crisis, but I had to be a mule for others emotions and issues. I became entangled in so much toxicity and I realized that the type of people who’d accept giving me harbour were the polar opposite of my dysfunction. They were the aggressors and those wielding and hoarding power to use people like me. I really learnt a lot in those dynamics and it was as close to hell as I could get on earth. It was the contrast I needed to endure my own tension and battles.
Now I seek comfort in accepting and validating my feelings even if doing this alienates others. It just means that those who are deterred by my authentic feelings are fundamentally incompatible with me and moving away from people whose energy resist me gives me the world I need to truly thrive and be amongst those who resonate with me.
I don’t want the roots of my dreams to be the avoidance of my nightmares. I don’t want the bitter aftertaste of shame when I reap the fruits of my actions driven by my need to be more than I am. Every action is shadowed by the intentions that gave birth to it. Only the vulnerable truth illuminates instead of casting a shadow.
I’m allergic to inauthenticity. I can feel it in my cells and actually smell it. There’s never a reason to be insincere. You may justify it by saying people around you may not like it or may cut you off but who says you’re entitled to being liked? That’s tryna manipulate others into seeing you in a favourable light just because you’re a coward. I’m never harsh about anything but this topic. I have understanding for the worst sins and shortcomings but never falsehood. Never. You don’t know what damage you’re doing by going against your inner reality. Not least to those who sense who you are deep down but are confused by the contradicting image. You’re the matrix when you consciously and willfully portay an image favoured by society because you’re voting against authenticity with your attention and intentions. Every misaligned intention and misguided action where you veer away from what you know is your truth adds a suffocating veneer to the matrix, emboldening the demons. You’re used as statistics when people are deterred by the seemingly cohesive masses and majority.
You can’t will yourself into doing something. Whatever will you have is derived from the divine will which is love. It’s nothing we generate on our own or coerce ourselves into. Divine will is powerful because it compels us without forcing us. It’s gentle.
When we identify with our egos and think that we can make anything happen by sheer willpower, that’s arrogant because it’s predicated on a materialistic perspective where the divine doesn’t exist. The irony is that whatever we do end up doing is still by the divine will that we appropriate as our own, which is why we become abrasive towards ourselves; our humanity spites our attempts at vying with the divine. Though a goal may be reached it will be at a very high cost ; a callous heart, insensitivity, lack mentality, showing off, etc.
No goal is worth putting our hearts through the wringers for. When we’re down, we ask Allaah to lift us. When we’re heartbroken we hold space for Allaah’s Mercy to reach us. We don’t pretend that we don’t feel what we do or that we don’t need love. In a highly delusional and hypocritical world we can’t afford to lie to ourselves. We must uphold the truth of our souls because that’s all we need to find divine redemption.
My one and only duty is to protect the sacredness of my heart. Firstly from myself, and then from the world.
Shame robs me of gratitude; it’s the opposite of it. It’s to be embarrassed about blessings, because of the tainted meaning assigned by others. Shame would be ineffective if I didn’t believe in it, if I didn’t see the world through that lens. If I didn’t identify with the gaze of those I desperately wanted to belong with.