Friendship manifesto

*wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar = we have nothing to say to each other.


If you’re using our interaction as an escape from presence – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to control or predict my emotional range so that you can remain a step ahead – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to gaslight or downplay my detection of your inconsistencies or incongruence- I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you withhold how you truly feel because you fear how I may respond to that and instead you look for ways to ambush me or project on me without implicating your vulnerable feelings – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you are more concerned with feeling like a good friend than figuring out whether you actually are a good friend – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you override what you know about me with your suspicions or projections to avoid remaining present with whatever you feel threatened by – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re going to deflect or deny what I’m intuitively picking up from you and consciously choose to put up a wall instead of engaging me – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you expect me to write off your actions because of your original intentions as if your uncommunicated intentions trumps the consequences of your actions – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you don’t want your feet held to the fire – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more bothered with criticism than you are about the emotional impact of your inconsiderate behaviour – I’m sorry,wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’ve pre-set the extent to which you want this interaction to expand and grow – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more concerned with controlling how I perceive you than you are with reflecting on what I mirror back to you – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you show kindness or tolerate my annoying shit because you want that to be a credit to deflect or defend a future conflict – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you think that the reason I’m being patient with you or holding space for you or having understanding for you is due to something you did to deserve that – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

In short, if you don’t want my unconditional, unpredictable, uncensored, unmitigated presence and expression – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

This is not to rebuke these behaviours and proclivities because we’re all on different phases and journeys, but just a clarification of the type of space I need to thrive.

Passenger

I just realized that most people filter what they say or do through what may trigger a backlash in others. They are ultimately concerned with remaining safe from scolding, and not the truth. That’s a pretty limited way of being. A very fearful way.

Be open to the truth and the truth will protect you. Slander, manipulation and other malicious intentions aren’t truthful so you don’t have to be concerned with it sticking to you.


I understand that if I want to express myself fully, I can’t be beyond reproach. I give others full freedom to feel however they may feel about me. I’ll take it, even if I have to flinch to the sting.

Your truth takes precedence over my ego. My truth takes precedence over your ego. Amigo!

I’ve made peace with the war

You know, sometimes I be hesitating about speaking about the truth that I see because people are so used to attacks and being denigrated that any uncomfortable truth can seem and feel unsafe. And I’ve never been one to put what I see is right above people feeling right. I don’t even think I function according to what I feel is right. I always approach things with an empty vessel and a curiosity to be filled with the truth. And it’s difficult when so much information isn’t true information, isn’t information gained through an empty vessel but information that’s been diluted with whatever is full of that individual vessel. And instead of communicating the understanding of the thing, people end up signalling what flavour of the thing they have. They conflate their interpretation of the appearance and surface of something as being the intuitive essence of that thing. They conflate their interpretation with the meaning behind what they are seeing.

And so, having been caught up in that tumult and trying not to make things worse, I ended up becoming invisible and keeping things to myself. I ended up internalizing people’s reactions and letting people’s perception define my intention. Alright, alright, I don’t wanna fight.

But I’ve come to know that people just lash out without really trying to understand your unique pov. So I had to start to trust myself and my integrity to know that I’m not a monster or a bully. I’m not trying to sell my ideas. And most importantly, my vantage point is empathy. Even when I’m pointing seemingly scathing things out it’s always with the holistic essence in mind. As in, I start by assuming that the person or situation started out wholesome and that in essence it’s wholesome but the actions are egregious. So my approach is always two-fold : to understand and connect with the non-verbal feeling that underpins the motivation for the bad deed, and to show why the roots of the deed is egregious. This, by not centering my own feelings or how it affects me personally, but how breaking away from the whole will never produce the intended results.

In other words, I attempt to show people the naked truth and how it’s really not good so that they can know that there’s a better reality that’s easier to access and comes with less struggle. I attempt to show that the pain and fear that makes people want to fight the world can be healed, for good. That it’s possible to not always live from the angle of that pain or fear.

I want the truth to be liberating for people, not damning.

Overdue

I spent all of my 20s disrupting, deconstructing, dismantling, deprogramming, discovering, detaching from the system I was born into. I pray and pray that Allaah allows my innate divine design momentum and passage to bloom and rise, now that the blocks and shadows are out of the way. I hope I won’t be my own detractor. I hope I will live to see Allaah’s intention in creating me.

Flesh wound

I’ve internalized and been hindered by people’s inability to get me. I understand I was born way before my time, and one day I’ll be the sun that dawns on some. Until then, I’ll fulfill the function Allaah created me for ; to live authentically so that the divine design in me becomes manifest.

My superpower is protecting the world from my shadow

I absolutely have the temper of a reer Mudug Sagittarius so it’s a miracle that I didn’t end up with anger issues that could rival that of the kid Russell in Deadpool 2 (just finished watching it. Surprised that the humour didn’t make me cringe.) I don’t let out my anger easily. Only when someone has blatantly and disrespectfully ignored my warnings. Then I’ll blast them till their eardrums pop like my voice was a jet plane.

I’m very kind, and it’s not a kindness out of guilt or fear. I’m the type to fuck up a prick abusing his girl in public or tell off a gang of kids bullying another, or tell of a mother doing her child wrong. When I see power struggles in public I lose all sense of social manners. That’s when all my anger gets out and I’m seriously prepared to go down hard for that.

But if it’s someone doing me dirty I just doorslam them and erase them from my heart forever. Ever. Ever. I’m very forgiving but once I reach that threshold where I realize someone is counting on my forgiveness and taking my kindness for granted, I’m disgusted and done.

I have standoffs with my mum and you’d think I’m the worst daughter ever. But she knows when that happens is when she pushes my buttons and expects my usual kindness. I can’t doorslam her so I seriously put her in her place when she’s abusing her parental powers bordering on emotional abuse. But that never clouds my empathy and trying to do my best. And because she knows this, she lets it go even if she’s salty. It’s not perfect but I never aimed to be perfect, just honest.

Watching Deadpool 2 made me realize that I could be somewhere on the superhero spectrum because I neither deny or project my pain. I sit smack dab in the middle of that pain and quarantine it so it doesn’t leak out. That’s fucking badassery, and it’s ok if that bragging makes you cringe because it’s honest to God the truth. Isn’t it ironic how many years it took me to be able to look at myself and acknowledge my out of this world strength? All I ever could see was the pain that crippled me, people that took advantage of me and rarely appreciated me, and their projections that rained down upon me when I didn’t please them. And did I internalize that or what! Whew. You’d think my heart was Chernobyl. I’m sure my personality is some type of mutation from enduring all that fucked up trauma since I was 5 fucking years old (any scientists wanna pick my brains?)

A part-time gig

I can’t respect anyone who appropriates the truth when the only time they acknowledge it fully is when it’s wind in their sails or they’re stuck. Being truthful is about more than just being honest. It’s about holding it sacred and always striving towards it in every situation and with every effort. It’s a lifetime commitment and most people seem to be commitment phobes.

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