Friendship manifesto

*wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar = we have nothing to say to each other.


If you’re using our interaction as an escape from presence – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to control or predict my emotional range so that you can remain a step ahead – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you try to gaslight or downplay my detection of your inconsistencies or incongruence- I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you withhold how you truly feel because you fear how I may respond to that and instead you look for ways to ambush me or project on me without implicating your vulnerable feelings – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you are more concerned with feeling like a good friend than figuring out whether you actually are a good friend – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you override what you know about me with your suspicions or projections to avoid remaining present with whatever you feel threatened by – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re going to deflect or deny what I’m intuitively picking up from you and consciously choose to put up a wall instead of engaging me – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you expect me to write off your actions because of your original intentions as if your uncommunicated intentions trumps the consequences of your actions – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you don’t want your feet held to the fire – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more bothered with criticism than you are about the emotional impact of your inconsiderate behaviour – I’m sorry,wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’ve pre-set the extent to which you want this interaction to expand and grow – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you’re more concerned with controlling how I perceive you than you are with reflecting on what I mirror back to you – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you show kindness or tolerate my annoying shit because you want that to be a credit to deflect or defend a future conflict – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

If you think that the reason I’m being patient with you or holding space for you or having understanding for you is due to something you did to deserve that – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

In short, if you don’t want my unconditional, unpredictable, uncensored, unmitigated presence and expression – I’m sorry, wax aan isku sheegeyno baa iska yar.

This is not to rebuke these behaviours and proclivities because we’re all on different phases and journeys, but just a clarification of the type of space I need to thrive.

Joy

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I want to marry someone I can be friends with if we divorce. Someone who fights fair, and has no trouble owning up to shit. I’m weird with my thoughts, too blunt at times. Honesty is good, but sometimes I’m too honest and I screw up. I’m too sensitive and the slightest thing can rile me up. Door slams, oh god. If I don’t like someone’s vibe, I shut them out and there’s no place in hell that can make me open up again. That means that I’m not as forgiving as I should. I want someone who accepts that mess and tells me to get over myself and stop fucking it up. Someone who respects and honours me enough to not be afraid to tell me the truth, even at the risk of hurting me. Nothing hurts love like tiptoeing and self-censoring does.

Murder, I wrote. And you read it

One of my biggest fears is to find out that I don’t matter to the people who matter to me. So I’ve always tried to be as unassuming as I can be so as not to draw attention to myself. I’ve never expected people to like me for who I am, and I never gave them the chance because I’d always wedge some sort of ‘service’ between them and I; stuff that I’d do to earn their ‘friendship’. I could never feel good about any achievements of mine because I felt like a fraud, that it was a coincidence. I speak 5 languages, yet this is something that makes me cringe if others come to know this. I always explain away this seemingly great feat by saying I grew up bilingual, then this language came along, then I moved to that country...but my therapist pointed out that those circumstances don’t automatically give one fluency in a language.

I don’t like to assert my needs to my friends because I fear their response. I’d rather entertain the idea that I matter to them, than to ask and be refuted.

The worst someone can do to me is to invalidate thoughts or ideas I have by brushing it off,ignoring it, or otherwise respond in a way that trivializes me. It’s not because of the thoughts themselves, but because it’s such an intimate part of me that I rarely share anyway, but when I do share I do so with the trust that my confidante won’t invalidate me. I grew up to constant mockery and taunting. I’d always have my thoughts put down so much so that in the rare event that I spoke about something close to my heart, I’d always tense mid-sentence as the dread of what I’d done washed over me. I knew to expect a snide remark or a ‘but…’ response.
I never had a sense of self that would enable me to be comfortable in my own skin; I felt that whatever I was, it had to be approved from without before I could truly affirm it within.

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The Dream Lover

By Andrea Mathews, L.P.C., PhD in Traversing the Inner Terrain

Originally published in Psychology Today


 

You’ve loved him for five years, but he makes you crazy. You would do anything for her, but she makes you crazy. He won’t initiate a single solitary thing to make his dull life any better, and it makes you crazy. She’s chattering away all the time to her friends and family and just doesn’t have much time left over for you—and it makes you crazy. But, you say, I love him, I love her. So what’s to be done?

Mostly what makes us crazy is that our partners are not living up to our expectations. And where did we get those expectations? We got them from the drawing room floor, when we cut out that picture of our fantasy lover. And our real-life partner was supposed to fit right into the exact shape and size of that empty hole we left in our hearts, especially made just for Dream Lover.

“Dream lover where are you, with a love, oh so true.” That’s just a few of the words from the lyrics of Bobby Darrin’s 1959 song, “Dream Lover.” And that notion of the Dream Lover is way older than the song. We all sing that song in our own way for we want Mr. or Ms. Right to know exactly what we mean by “a love, oh so true.” What will that love look and feel like? Well, he’ll know that we want flowers and candlelight. She’ll know that we want respect and someone to be there when we’re troubled. He’ll know that we want certain chores done in a timely fashion, and she’ll know how to hang his favorite shirts. And on and on the list goes.

And when we’ve found what appears to us to be Mr. or Ms. Right, we just slip that image of the Dream Lover right in over him or her and assume that if they love us, they will do all the things the Dream Lover would do. And then…they don’t.

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