An inner quest

And this is how the shayateen misguides people; not by force but by appealing to the false pursuits we become addicted to whether it be search for power, validation, money. Because we’re afraid of the pangs of consciousness that we think awaits us if we reconnect with ourselves or stop living for others , we are ever in flight from ourselves. It is in this mindless and unconscious headspace that the shaytaan can exert control over us because we’re essentially enslaved by our fear and by our addictions and cravings.
The journey towards Allaah is a life-long quest one takes via the heart, and it’s when true change and inspiration occurs within that the external actions are accepted. Ibaadah is not measured by x amount of voluntary deeds one does. The metrics used are in terms of inner transformation which is gradual. That’s why we’re never able to keep up something we overwhelm ourselves with in the beginning; it’s because it was never heartfelt and it didn’t take root in the heart.



“Attachment is always a barrier to real appreciation and happiness, because it’s based on the illusion that some external element can make our core pain go away. But when we’re willing to expose ourselves to the pain we’ve been avoiding, the power of attachment fades and the path to a genuine life becomes more accessible.”
― Ezra Bayda, At Home in the Muddy Water: A Guide to Finding Peace within Everyday Chaos

The futile search for love

The search for salvation takes place outside of your interior experience. Savior searching is the effort to locate an individual or circumstance that can deliver you from your discomfort. The search may be for a perfect mate, home, job, or automobile. It may be for money,fame,education, a slim or muscular body. The salvation appears to come from different sources for different people. In no case does the salvation come from within.

Romantic attraction is the experience of locating a savior. She has everything that you need to complete your life. He is charming, strong, handsome, and capable. She is warm, caring, gracious, and lovely. The attraction is to the capability that the individual has to solve your problems, eliminate your inner struggles, and bring your experience to a new level of comfort.

The breakdown of romantic attraction – the end of the honeymoon- begins when the savior cannot deliver. Since both individuals in a romantic attraction view the other as a savior, this disillusionment is shared. Each sees in the other characteristics that were not visible previously, such as a quick temper, melancholy inclination, fear of expression, insensitivities, and vulnerabilities. These characteristics were present throughout the romantic attraction. As they become visible, the illusion of salvation in the form of another individual begins to unravel.

The more it unravels, the more the discomforts that occupied your attention before the romantic attraction reappear. Your life continues, but with the addition of a companion. Your jealousy, fear of people, anger, and self-doubt return. They disappeared during the romantic attraction. The promise of salvation- like a morning fog- obscured them, but did not remove them. When the fog evaporated, they were still there. They will continue to be there until you address them.

The search for salvation takes your attention away from what you feel and places it on external circumstances. Emotional awareness is put aside. Your anticipation of a life without pain temporarily replaces the pain that you feel. That is the power of a romantic attraction- the promise of permanent release from pain. You place upon your saviors the responsibility for doing the work that only you can do. Your work remains undone.

When you feel you may be looking for a savior again,stop and feel what you are feeling. Then ask yourself this question, ” Do I feel this person, situation, or thing is the answer to my well-being?”

This is the pursuit of external power. You achieve,dress and speak to influence others. You strive manipulate and control them through your appearance, the things that you own, your skills, aptitudes, and accomplishments. You value yourself only as much as they value you. When others do not approve of you, your sense of well-being diminishes or disappears. When they appreciate you, you feel grand. Romantic attraction mutually fulfills the need of both participants to be appreciated. It allows them to feel buoyant. They appear to themselves as attractive. They feel sexual. Their walk is lighter, they laugh more easily, and they enjoy their lives.

When the romance ends, they plummet into despair and self-doubt. They rage or withdraw. These, also, are attempts to manipulate and control. They hope to regain the affection that they have lost, and the self-image that accompanied it. External power can be lost, gained, inherited, earned, and won. It comes and goes. She loves me; she loves me not. The difference is joy and exuberance on the one hand and pain on the other.

Every attempt to place your salvation in the hands of another individual is an attempt to escape from painful emotions. You relinquish responsibility for your emotions and their creation. You look upon yourself as a victim and depend upon someone or something to save you. You see your painful emotions as punishment, unjust or random. You attempt to separate your intentions, thoughts, words, and actions from your emotional experiences.

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Death by numbness [II]

I’m a criminal

and my frail heart my unwitting victim

It was I who broke my own heart
It was I who brought this pain upon myself
It was I who broke my spirit this way,

For it was I who held onto an illusion.


Death by numbness [I]

My heart is sobbing and I’m sobbing with it
It’s telling me something that I can’t understand
It’s fumbling in my chest, as if it’s looking for something buried in between my ribs
I sometimes catch myself succumbed to a mysterious melancholy
Crept upon me like a fog
or the way dusk permeates the sky in a discreet fashion
I feel my heart conspires with the fabrics of my soul and mind
Huddled in a hush-hush conclave
I’m assigned to bear the brunt of my own secrets
I’m a foreigner to my own heart, and for that I’m mourning.

Emotional orphan

I was emotionally orphaned.

My mum told me that I was a very fussy baby who’d cry nonstop. So she made sure I was fed and clean – physically cared for – and just leave me be when I cry ‘for no apparent reason’. I believe we are all born with fully formed souls and personalities and we spend life learning to accept ourselves. I think that first year when my body was cared for but my mind ignored, something within me broke. Shattered to smithereens. Because when I turned one, I changed drastically. I became reticent and quiet. Still. If I were told to sit down, I’d sit there for hours until told to get up. That’s not normal for a one year old is it? I don’t think so.

My dad was much more compassionate than mum. He was a doting father who wouldn’t let me cry. He observed my every move to try to decipher my language. He even kept a shorthand notebook for my baby babble and he’d be my translator of sorts. They really tried, my parents. I was a very sensitive and old soul and they had to improvise because I wasn’t like normal infants. I was even scared of the dark! I was merely a couple of months and I’d freak if the lights were turned off. 😀

I was 1 year and 8 months when my twin brothers were born. It threw everyone off course, because they were unplanned. Not only that, but mum almost died giving birth via c-section. She spent the first 6 months or so in and out of hospital. My dad had to work. We lived in a small southern town of Sweden where we didn’t have any relatives to help out. It was hard. I think the sudden change of dynamics where I was pushed off the only child seat and relegated to the background in the face of the clamour and mum’s illness, affected me very deeply.

One day I blurted out something that couldn’t have belonged to my mind and be spoken by my tongue. I wasn’t even 2 years yet, when I addressed my parents and a family friend who were in our midst;
‘ hooyo mid, aabe mid, aniga baabah’. Which is Somali for ‘ mum one, dad one, me nothing ‘, pointing out that my parents’ hands were occupied with both my infant twin brothers and I was left alone.
Heart wrenching and mind-boggling as it was, the family friend was utterly devastated and scooped me up immediately, sobbing at my words that I was too young for.

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A lone planet on this planet

Midnight thoughts & thunders

 〈serial soliloquies〉


I am alone in this world. Not lonely. I mean, I’m literally alone, the only person in this world. I realized while our physical bodies share the ground we walk on and the sky that canopies high above our heads, our souls, our selves, our minds – whichever you resonate with – are housed in individual realms. In this private world, dreams canopies overhead, hope is the glistening stars that comes out in the darkness of confusion. Thoughts are seeds from which ideas and actions sprout forth. Some thoughts are bitter and infests the soul with bitterness and destruction. Other thoughts, though very rare, are the ones whence goodness and beauty sprouts in this world. It soaks the person with kindness and compassion that they in turn extends to others.

The way to change others is to change oneself. I never understood that. I never understood the adage ‘ to love another you must learn to love yourself first’. OK, that’s not really an adage, I kinda made that up hehe, but the concept of self-love and self-acceptance always seemed odd and other worldly to me.

But now, now I get it. I shall uproot the bitter trees I sowed and tear down this canopy of doom, and in their places I shall raise myself anew.

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