London Diaries (III)

Originally posted Sept 29th, 5:18 pm

I have Asperger’s syndrome which basically means that I see the world with less filters than normal, leading to sensory overload and being overwhelmed by ideas and information. Since I was a child, I’ve coped with this by creating my own inner world consisting of reading,pondering, and identifying abstract patterns in the world, where I’d retreat to when the world got too confusing and overwhelming. I’d have obsession with particular topics and amass information to use this as a shield when going out into the world. I take things literal so jokes and sarcasm usually go over my head and I often ask what the person means exactly. I have strict routines like where I put my stuff, where I sit in a vehicle, cleaning, – and these act like a buffer between me and the outside world, like an exoskeleton. It gives me a sense of control and peace of mind. That’s why abrupt changes can be disastrous to me. I seem very naive because I don’t have nuanced filters through which I judge the world, so bad experiences don’t change my perception of what I deem as the truth. I’m oblivious to how I come across to others, unless I explicitly ask. I hate injustice and being misunderstood, with such fervour. I have a very low pain threshold. I don’t think in words, I think in 3D images which is why it’s difficult for me to keep eyecontact with another because I can’t process what’s being said and keep eyecontact at the same time. I usually look away to an empty spot to piece my thoughts together like a game of Tetris.

Only I can take the appropriate measures to care for my wellbeing and being self-compassionate, and for the majority of my life I was afraid of being assertive. I thought if I was nice enough, people would leave me alone. I don’t know why passive aggressiveness and emotional manipulation is the norm where instead of each taking care of themselves, they have to work for approval and be paid in having needs fulfilled. Anyway, as I became an adult I became increasingly isolated because being around unpredictable and passive aggressive folks was enough to bring my sensory system to a screeching halt.

My laptop is my comfort and my lifeline. I feel anxious if anyone wants to borrow it for a while. And I have to know exactly for how long so that I can set my brain like a timer, and zone out until the time runs out. If I’m going somewhere new I have to have the exact visuals of the destination, exactly like a GPS to be reassured. I basically have to engineer my own systems and laws from scratch, as this world doesn’t aaccommodatefor people like me. Aspie girls are better off than boys, socially, because their symptoms are way more subtle and their social skills much better. I actually studied social cues and etiquettes when I was 17. I’d observe and study people around me in different settings and jot down my findings in my diary. I ended up being so well-versed that I often remind my mum of social etiquettes she might overlook. I can’t feign stuff, so I’m very straightforward which gets uncomfortable for some. But I’ve found a way to offset that by using my extreme intuition to pick up on microexpressions that let’s me know what the person is thinking, so as to assuage their hurt or apologize for a mistake I did. This is way easier on me than having to walk on eggshells and bite my tongue.

Anyway, me coming out this far out of my comfort zone and braving unknown experiences by meeting new people is only possible because I’ve thrown away the social norm crutch. I just do me, which means being unusually pedantic about my stuff at times or calling someone out on an injustice, and I give myself the freedom to retreat at the slightest discomfort. That way I don’t have to obsess about what-ifs. I’m only pedantic when it comes to things that are within my boundaries, but I’m very very flexible and gracious with others. It might seem like a paradox, but because I’m so comfortable in my own skin, I can be comfortable with others as opposed to expecting others to tend to my needs.

Witnessing my meltdowns or being on the other end of my frustration is not a nice thing, but I always come around when I calm down to apologize.

But I’m still a big, walking sore thumb. I’m a social alien and many don’t know what to make of my confident eccentricity. But I like to believe that in standing in my truth, I enable others to do the same. And if I have no other impact in this world than being the eccentric kind genius, then that’s a worthy legacy. A legacy of vulnerability and authenticity.


Be inspired : 15 quotes about injustice

1.When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it–always.  –  Mahatma Gandhi

2.Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth. – William Faulkner

3. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.- Martin Luther King Jr.

4. Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities – Voltaire

5.We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

6. In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand fold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers, we are not simply protecting their trivial old age, we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

7. Instead of hating the people you think are war-makers, hate the appetites and disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war. If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed – but hate these things in yourself, not in another.- Thomas Merton

8. I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them.- Charles Bukowski

9. I am a person who is unhappy with things as they stand. We cannot accept the world as it is. Each day we should wake up foaming at the mouth because of the injustice of things.- Hugo Claus

10. The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.- Albert Einstein

11.The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.- Edmund Burke

12. The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men. – Plato

13.How easy it is to judge rightly after one sees what evil comes from judging wrongly. – Elizabeth Gaskell

14. God did not create evil. Just as darkness is the absence of light, evil is the absence of God. –Albert Einstein

15. The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but

shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to
life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer
space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but
broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything
from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.              –   Bob Moorehead

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