Fractality of trauma

I’m just contemplating the construct of trauma and formation of trauma responses, and what comes to me is the breaking away from the heart chakra through a microcosmic fall from grace that implant specific beliefs of shame and guilt to isolate one’s creative urge from the divine and this perpetrates a deep sense of being lost which primes one for trauma-bonds.
These modalities siphon the stagnant creative energy that have no outlet in consciousness since it’s cut off, and reroute them to serve toxic systems.

Survival mode is a trauma response bc it’s acting from the traumatic beliefs as if they were true. Traumatic beliefs that are atheistic in nature. It’s a shutdown of creativity and a shut out of anything holistic. In fact, the holistic is interpreted as imprisonment.

Cold is shocking

October has been so painful. Ayeeyo, detox/withdrawal, readjustment, feeling all my numbed trauma that my meds helped keep at bay… Whenever I go out I find myself having to make an effort not to burst out in tears in the middle of the street. And every step feels like the last step before I collapse.

It’s one thing to dissociate from pain, to create distractions. But to have it rain down on you while you sit there, with no where to hide or run..

I was the primary caretaker of ayeeyo for the past 3 years bc I shared room with her and that gave me structure and something to do. And now everything is a void. Absolutely everything. And yet it’s not? I feel a fullness that I’m trying to ground, for the first time ever in my life. As if I’m coming home with a newborn baby without having prepared anything for it. No crib or nothing.

I feel like my legs are lined with embers. I know it passes and I’m grateful for all the wisdom I’ve gained from my healing bc it’s the only thing keeping me calm and collected. I know it’s an ugly storm but I know its function and I know it’s benevolent and I know it’ll get better.

But gosh. Having to create new neural pathways when the old, trauma-laden ones threaten you with a repeat of the past 14 years…

You know what I hate the most? I’ve had to figure this shit out completely on my own all through my late teens and all of my 20s, battling it secretly, patiently. And when people get a whiff of it, they’re quick to throw words like smothering a fire with a blanket. I know those words are borne from restlessness and a knee-jerk reaction to seeing others in pain. But those words, had I taken them in, would have smothered ME, for I was the fire and I needed to burn down. I did.

Anyway, I count the weeks. This is 6.

September 18th, midnight

Tonight I learnt that the body goes through labour both in birth and death. The soul arriving, the soul departing.

I don’t want to say this bc I can’t take it back, but it’s an inevitability. My grandma passed and it’s surreal. She’s so beautiful and I’ve never seen her so glowing in all these months of sickness and suffering. In the end, she was surrounded by all her loved ones, reminding her of the shahaadah, her raising her finger, and in the end she relaxed into eternal rest.

The difficulty is for us, not her. She’s released and relieved. This is the end of an era and I don’t know what this means. I don’t know who I am without her. But I’m so so so so so so grateful for this past year and a half.

I’m lying in the same room. People tried to get me away but really, I don’t feel there’s any difference.

I had a dream a few weeks ago where her soul was levitated above her body, in the process of death. It was so smooth. I was told her death had been postponed so many times, for us to find closure. I guess we were ready to let go.

She’s not only a grandma, but a mother figure. I’m so beyond grateful and blessed to have had this incredibly kind and caring matriarch in my life.

I don’t know what I’ll tell my nephew who is sleeping over at our place.

Co-regulation

I wonder how much I’ll be able to see when I no longer have to distract my focus
away from the pain
when the pain is something new hatching
needing the warmth of awareness to receive it

isn’t that what love is?

Tide

I believe that awareness is like the cosmic blood that delivers to us the nutrients we need, and removes from us the toxins we release.

This awareness is abundant because it’s like a panacea as it is the spirit of Allaah breathed into us when we came alive in our bodies. Everytime we regain awareness, we reconnect to Wholeness. Everytime we suppress or deny awareness, we separate and fragment. We get cut off.

Healing, then, isn’t something created but a return to the original blueprint, a restoration, a purification of everything that doesn’t belong. A remembrance.

A spiritual dialysis.

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