I never clocked that seeing Allaah is a greater reward than jannah in itself. This came to me as I was pondering on my life and how I already have been given what I’ve been looking for in other places and I’d never be able to fathom or conceptualize it. I thought, the greatest rewards are truly the ones that you can’t even imagine because they’re only accessed through the process.

I’m not sure why, but ever since my birthday I’ve been contemplating death and the afterlife in a way that’s void of the interference of fear or doubt that’d make it impossible for me to even broach that subject previously. It’s like I’m making peace with my mortality and the fact that not only will I die – and what that truly entails- but so will my parents and grandmother. Even as I ask Allaah to keep them alive for many more healthy and abundant years, I know the inevitable will come. And I know that it won’t be easy. But I’m trying to see beyond it, into the grave and the great standing and truly ask Allaah for safety from the terror i feel by just imagining myself in those brief scenarios.

There’s no time in the twilight zone

Tawheed is the only reason why I’m alive today, January 1st 2019. Diving deep into tawheed in 2012 was the true Furqaan (criterion, litmus test) I had always been longing for, and suffering immensely in its absence. I had lost absolute trust in life, in what my reality even was, in what people presented. Everything seemed to be hollow or an illusion and it fuelled my death wish as intensely as the life wish I have today. Had I not received that groundbreaking enlightenment I would not have stopped at 6 times. I would have kept going until I succeeded in leaving this earth. I was living in the worst mental torture imaginable because I was open to so much gaslighting and crazy making that I would even doubt that I was truly suffering. I mean, the goalposts kept being moved by external factors and how I felt about things had absolutely no merit. If anything it’d attract vicious backlash both within myself and outside.

I was swarmed by demonic entities who festered on all the energy I couldn’t claim because I was petrified. I couldn’t trust my perception, I couldn’t trust my intuition, I couldn’t trust any plans I’d make – in fact, any plans I’d make would be like opening my eyes in Bird Box – I’d be shown absolutely horrific timelines and vivid possibilities of what would happen to me if I tried and that’s what would trigger my suicidal urge. And that’s why I spent years secluded, at home. Because I was in real danger if I moved and I can’t tell you how horrifying and unnerving it is to have such a threat to your life that you can’t point out. There was no hallucinating where my fears were projected on anyone else that I could say I was threatened by. I would wish to lose my mind because the only thing worse than insanity is being stuck in a nightmare where you’re lucid and aware.

It was a sleep paralysis, only it was in real life. That’s exactly how it was. My intelligence was used against me because I would see through the tiniest of incongruence or irrationality. I couldn’t read self-help books without feeling worse because I saw through every adage. It’s like I had a running commentary in my mind that dispelled or pointed out every single claim and advice.

And that’s what was so miraculous about my study of Tawheed. I sorta stumbled across it once I started learning some Arabic (I’d buy Arabic books with my lunch money and go over the books every now and then to see how much more I could understand than the last time I checked. I was absolutely giddy to be able to access Islaam deeper) and before I knew it everything clicked. Everything made so much sense. My mind was engrossed and took to it like a parched survivor in the desert finding cold drinking water. And that was the beginning. That was me starting to emerge from the rubble of chaos and destruction.

That year I had intense encounters with demons and ETs ( Muslim ETs actually, who helped me immensely). It was a wild year. Like. I still can’t believe what went down. Egypt is forever carved in my heart for that. I’ll return one day in shaa Allaah (hopefully I can retrieve the 50 kilo of books I had to leave behind :/)


Don’t let hypothetical threats divest you of focusing on what’s real and present.

When I can’t be real

Presence of condition means I can be disconnected at any time. I turn against myself in anger for not wanting or being able to meet those conditions, because I feel suffocated by anything that splits or fragments my energy. So I retreat into isolation, every time. At least I don’t have to choose between me and me when I’m alone. And yet, that means I’m not flowing. I’m stagnant. It’s not long before the suicidal feelings set in. After all, what is the grave but the ultimate isolation.

Insane idea..

But what if we’re meant to ‘download’ the soul’s perspective in this lifetime in order to create a recorded timeline in our hearts that prevails after death and the degree to which a person is ‘inspired’ by their soul is their rank in paradise and paradise is only accessible to those who lived beyond the mind in this life. And Hellfire is for those who exclusively or mostly lived a mind based and therefore soulless existence.

So they would carve out the very trajectory that leads straight to hell. And we catch a glimpse of how tyrannical and torturous the mind can be when we consider depression, suicide, bigotry, wars, etc. Where we either turn against ourselves or the other.

I read something in Ibn al-Qayyim’s al-Fawaaid years ago that stuck with me

حال العبد في القبر كحال القلب في الصدر، نعيماً وعذاباً، وسجناً وانطلاقاً.

The servant’s state in the grave is analogous to the state of the heart in the chest ; in terms of bliss v agony, and constraint v openness

Feeling is an essential indicator of the spirit

Open skies

There’s no ‘right’ way to process something. Your feelings make up your perspective and the more space you can give your feelings the more clarity you’ll have about just what is being pieced together within you.

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