I don’t want the roots of my dreams to be the avoidance of my nightmares. I don’t want the bitter aftertaste of shame when I reap the fruits of my actions driven by my need to be more than I am. Every action is shadowed by the intentions that gave birth to it. Only the vulnerable truth illuminates instead of casting a shadow.
I’m not a performance. I’m an experience, an expression. I’m contained by the moment, not for consumption. Close your eyes and your mind and feel my meaning. Hear my breathing in your heart and you’ll know. You’ll remember what was carved into your soul, eons ago. Our shared love.
Fear and doubt take over when you have to deal with pain and desire without a meaningful context.
The truth in me… is so cold and sterile. I don’t know… how to relate to it. I’m afraid… I’d be frozen if I attempt to reconnect what trauma decimated. I thought avoidance would… soften the edges of the terrifying memories. But they only festered and grew taunting shadows. Shadow puppetry, Plato’s concentration camp. Release my focus, have it all just let me dissociate. Let me dream until death overtakes..
CPTSD (complex ptsd) corrodes the very core that creates meaning and the desire to connect. It burns down any attempts at relating because everything has been usurped by a volcano eruption that took over all mental concepts that helped me orient myself in the world and find stability. My soul is Pompeii and I’m petrified. I’m at ground zero and I can’t find any reason to start from square one.
Don’t move towards someone you love unless your heart was moved. Don’t fill the gap with projections of your mind because you’re unsettled in the face of uncertainty. Let your essence be grounded in you and don’t expect affirmation or rejection from the other. They aren’t a screen you project your inner conflicts on, nor are they an arbitrator. In the end you want to discover if this person is able to create a connection with you based on meaning, and meaning is never something intellectual. It’s primordial, a cosmic metaphor. Indeed, sacred marriage has a deep meaning as it embodies divine signatures. And you can’t rush the emergence of that because it’s essentially a test from Allaah, a grace that trickles down, breathing into your union with His spirit (lit. inspire). It’s divine creativity weaving both of your hearts together into a transcendental third entity that is Your Marriage.
You don’t make that happen. You don’t create it. You ask that from Allaah and surrender to Him as He puts you through a process meant to test your heart if it’s the appropriate place for a love like that. Because Allaah never places His grace in a place that’s incompatible with it, i. e. resistant to it. And I’m not talking about focusing on just the tail of the process or the finished product but the root of the energy it grows from which is the unknown and unpredictable. Can you hold space for the polarities? Can you incubate the process with deep trust of the divine?
Density of a being depends on the presence of falsehood, illusions, attachments, contradictions, meaningless activities etc. The less dense a person’s mind is the more intense their energy is because they are able to process and integrate information at a higher speed because there’s thinner barriers between the heart and the mind.