Holosynthesis

The people thrown into other cultures go through something of the anguish of the butterfly, whose body must disintegrate and reform more than once in its life cycle. 

In her novel “Regeneration,” Pat Barker writes of a doctor who “knew only too well how often the early stages of change or cure may mimic deterioration. Cut a chrysalis open, and you will find a rotting caterpillar. What you will never find is that mythical creature, half caterpillar, half butterfly, a fit emblem of the human soul, for those whose cat of mind leads them to seek such emblems. No, the process of transformation consists almost entirely of decay.” 
But the butterfly is so fit an emblem of the human soul that its name in Greek is “psyche,” the word for soul. We have not much language to appreciate this phase of decay, this withdrawal, this era of ending that must precede beginning. Nor of the violence of the metamorphosis, which is often spoken of as though it were as graceful as a flower blooming.

Rebecca Solnit (A Field Guide to Getting Lost)

la dabaalo caashaqa

This is a song by the legendary Cumar Shooli who was a member of the legendary supergroup Waaberi who played Qaraami music in the 60s and 70s. Qaraami is classic Somali music with a fusion of jazz, pop and funk.

I don’t know why, but it never used to appeal to me until very recently and I must have listened to this song, la dabaalo caashaqa, at least a hundred times! Somali is such a potent and rich language and my paltry translation does it no justice. However, I just had to try to convey some of its beauty.



Dumar kale ma caashaqin
Hadal danbe kumaan oran
Doqaagu wuxuu rabo
Kolan daynba kuu galo
Wali diiday kuma odhan


I have not loved another woman
I have not even uttered a word to other women
Your wish was my command
Even if  fulfilling it meant I had to go into debt 

I’d never turn you down


Dadku wuu dagaalaa
Dabadeed heshiiyaa
Inaad raacdo duul kale
Ma wax loo dulqaataa

People fight
And make up
So how could you just walk away?

Naftaydii  diidayoo
Kama daadegaysee
Adaa seegay dawgee
Iga durug walaaleey

I’m in shock and can’t believe what you did
You’re the one who betrayed me
So please leave me alone

Haatan dayradaadaa
Ku dadaalayayoo
Ima diirinayside
Ogow dumarku kaa badan


I’ll take you up on your rejection
You don’t care for me
Know that you’re not the only fish in the sea



Waan kaa dal doorsaday
Dusha hayga xaganine
La dabaalo la dabaalo caashaqa

I’ve moved on 
Get off me 
I bid you, and love, begone!

​dambi kaama aan galin
duleed kaagamaan tagin
hablaha da’daadana
daan-daansi daayoo
dibnahayga uma furin


I didn’t do you wrong
I didn’t abandon you by the wayside
I didn’t so much as smile at other girls
Let alone flirt with them

adigay daraadaa
daqarradu i gaareen
inaad iiga durugtaa
ma wax loo dul qaataa?

You were the reason behind
These wounds I’ve been inflicted with
I can’t tolerate your detachment
anymore

 

daruur ii da’aysiyo
dabayl caafimaad baan
deeqoy ku moodaye
waxaad tahay qof ii daran

I thought you to be anticipatory rain clouds
or like a serene breeze
But Deeqa you turned out to be 
The one for whom the death knell tolls

 

love is an act of creativity

Self love is to be ok by yourself, to not be dependent on anything or anyone for your stability
If you were to be left alone in the middle of nowhere, you’d be ok because you never rested on anyone’s shore

that’s for sure
to go anywhere on your own and be fine

because you’re not an anchor to any ship, or the canopy to anyone’s dwelling

if the people you love would leave, you’d survive 

dive deep in your richness

you’re the mountain that holds the earth

and it’s from there that you give unconditional love, radical spontaneous outrageously tender love. Pure, untainted, untethered. No watermarks, no restrictions, like the nature that gives so freely of its wisdom and fruits.
it’s from there that you seek love, not as an escape but an adventure of raindrops forming a river, travelling through caverns and seasons


You gain everything when you lose everything. Because when you’re holding on to something, you let go of a part of yourself. When you cling to someone you suffocate yourself. When you’re chasing something it’s because you’re running away from yourself.
The kicker is, no matter how fast or far you run you can’t shake off your shadow. The fears you avoid aren’t confined to this plane of time and space. They’ll hover about and around you wherever you go and you’ll live life like a fugitive.
How can you be attached to someone, this elusive fantasy that a man will bring you a steady stream of wholesome love and good feelings when you can’t even make your own highs last, no matter how you try? 

Holding on to a feeling is like grabbing water. Instead, become the feeling and the ebb and tide won’t disturb you because you’re not the waves, you’re the entire ocean. You don’t have to remain at the shore at all times to be a complete ocean. During floods and storms – you’re still the ocean.
let go, trust me. let go and let through the ocean within you. you won’t drown. Move to your own rhythm and the whole universe moves in tandem with you.


I want to embody all the words I want to share with the world. I want to be like nature, rejuvenating the onlooker, inspiring the restless wanderer. I want to grow and grow until I bloom into an ecosystem, a reminder of the universal, defiant of corrupt times.


Always move towards wholeness. A love that requires you to be out of balance to get is not a love that’s going to last. A tree is supported by the roots, not the branches


A soulmate is an outer representative of your inner self


Patience gives your heart more room for appreciation. It slows down the whirlwind that is the ego by grounding you, and says

’ look. the sky’ and you discover deeper hues to the blue colour you used to take for granted. Suddenly, new dimensions of the world open up to you.


I’m betting all my chips on you. Yeah, it’s a long shot but I’ve been target practicing on this bugaboo. Either you’ll get to me or I’ll die in crossfire, blood feud.


 

Sunken place

Parents put me in the sunken place as a kid. It was between expressing my power and risking losing their approval, or abdicating my powers and securing others love.

Between my power or survival. Surviving makes me a hapless victim to the outside world, whereas coming into my own triggers an existential dread that equates assertion with danger. 

Everytime I go up against the visceral kneejerk reactions, I become embroiled in this life or death battle. My brain is fighting me to suppress my conscious defiance because for so long, for my entire life that has been equated to danger. I die everytime I go through with my defiance, only what’s actually dying is my attachment. Because I’ve never experienced my true self, I have no way of knowing what that would feel like so for the duration that my emotions are being released long enough for the adrenaline to run out, I’m in an effective mental freefall. And let me tell you, no amount of intellectualizing can ever lessen the intensity of that experience. 
Every.Single. Time. 

It’s like I’m in a dark space where I’m removed from my intuition and memory and it’s just me and those thoughts.
Sometimes I get emotionally and physically depleted for weeks on end, other times I huddle in foetal position, shaking out of intense panic. I rarely cry, and if I do it’s in short and intense bursts. At times I get super sleepy.

When the worst is over, it’s like the aftermath of a tsunami, only what’s been destroyed is the structure of the toxic belief, revealing an intact self beneath. Turns out, the belief has been feeding off my innate power the whole time like a cancerous cell!
I’ve been going through this process for 5 years now and I’ve died countless times. I can’t tell​ you what a battle it has been, fighting to get out of that sunken place. I find myself emotionally paralyzed – i want to do something but can’t, or I do something I don’t want to. Like the fear has transplanted me. It’s fucking scary yo. 
But just like in Get Out, I’ve been able to resist the hypnotic effect of the fears by plugging into my intuition which keeps me grounded and focused on the present moment. It’s been a gradual thing. It’s only in the past month that I have been able to stay alert at all times. Before, dissociation was my life. I could not read. I could not watch movies except sporadically for reasons unbeknownst to me. I was stuck. 
I’m still kinda stuck but I’ve completely understood the extreme fear, which helps me endure the intense sensations of death each time I expose myself to the thoughts.

It’s shit while it’s happening, but I swear to you it’s been a true emancipation because for each time I reaffirm my belief and trust in myself, I inherent the strength of my fears. And not only that, I am able to help others get out!

pause.

barren hearts, barren lands

cold blood dried up by hot air fans

botched minds sowing  murderous plans

clenched fists shaking hands

righteous tongues nefarious clans

shriveled compassion possessive demands

the earth may remain, the horizon weaved with sunset strands
but without a vast plain and a blue sky where the sight can expand
we die – homeless, blinded and damned

Soul Architecture

I’ve been in the worst of situations but I emerged with the best case scenario because I never allow the outside world to colonize my inner world. I never let the decaying world pollute my soul.

When I’m met with disappointments, I review where my expectations came from.

When I’m betrayed or done wrong by a friend, I ask myself what parts of me allowed that energy into my life? I incise those parts of me, tick my lessons, take my blessings and leave my toxic behind.

When I’m met with obstacles, I challenge my agility and I keep working at my ability to circumvent impossibilities.

When I find evil practices in society, I sit down and have a face to face with that evil, to understand, to pick apart, to uproot.

When met with conflicts and emotionally charged situations, I feel my fear and panic and then I move that aside to make room for the other person/s. I take in their pov, try to understand and from an integrated space, I take a stance. I might still tell that person to gtfo, but I know it’s​ not reactionary. I know why I’m kicking someone to the curb. Or, if it turns out that I completely misunderstood the situation, I’ll immediately concede and apologize and try to learn from it.

I’m not afraid of losing face, of getting displaced, of becoming disgraced. I know I’m my biggest threat.

When I feel blocked from pursuing my soul urges, I take a step back and lovingly sift through myself for the blocking energies.

I don’t fight situations and people who don’t fux with me.

I set up camp in my own space and just exist in that twilight zone with nothing but faith in my intuition and vulnerability with the universe. Eventually, the right people and circumstances convey to that twilight zone and together we create something new from pure energy seeds.

all ya gotto do is say yes

i want to take my husband on this cross-country trip I’ve been wanting to make for 2 years now, through Somalia. lagoons, canyons, mountain tops, hut cafeterias, bumpy truck rides, sunset watching on rooftops, evening gatherings with newly acquired friends sitting on a mat on the house compound swatting away mosquitoes in between intense listening to juicy storytelling and belly laughs, carwo-shoppin’, aroos-hoppin’, relatives shukansi eavesdropping on us wondering why we haven’t grown disillusioned with the honeymoon phase not knowing that this is where we discovered each other, in that honeymoon zone of the soul intersection, listening to downloaded rain sounds through the phone as we lie in the dark waiting for the electricity to come back on, car drifting in the outskirts of town, trying and miserably failing to start a fire in charcoal stoves, washing laundry by hand in big basins, taking turns reading classical Somali romance novels aloud, mosquito nets coming undone in the scuffle of love making, stargazing,spontaneity abound

img-20151201-wa0017.jpg

No more posts.