Your truth doesn’t need words to be. It’s a derivative of the One whose witness never fails or falters. So if others deny or downplay your personal experiences, don’t take the reactivity bait because that’ll enter you into a never-ending mental imprisonment of constantly trying to establish your truth outside yourself. Only love can provide the nuance that accepts your truth. So if you have to explain or anticipate invalidation or skepticism then that’s a sign that it’s an inhospitable space for your truth. Don’t force yourself into that atmosphere.
Don’t internalize people’s thoughts (about you). Most of it is automated spam that circulates through their mind unhindered like a runaway train. The inevitable crash is neurotic.
I feel abandoned on a visceral level
My existence unmet on the levels beyond thought and words
My emotions left unanswered, unacknowledged
The emergence of an instinct to grab on to something, an anchor in the physical world to remind myself that I’m actually living
That I’m not the phantom I feel myself to be
My existence is vague, like it might as well have not been
A faint line
I feel a deep resentment towards life. I wasn’t received when I needed it the most, and now I don’t need it anymore.
Feel all of your Self all of the time without trying to make the stream run into the ocean of your mind
Stop trying to control, confine, retain, manage, analyze, postpone, protect, mitigate, quarantine what flows through each moment for the first time ever in the existence of everything
You’re expending your all holding back an inevitable tide from coming in
Meanwhile you’re dying to be cooled, to be washed over with the new, to be swept away
You’re dying for the very thing you’re fighting.
I realized that every single person who turned out to be other than what I thought they were had magnetized me through knowledge and perspective that inferred self-awareness. But that was my mistake to infer. Just because someone has unique and novel information doesn’t mean they’re self-aware and authentic.
I mean, iblees…?
فَوَسْوَسَ إِلَيْهِ ٱلشَّيْطَٰنُ قَالَ يَٰٓـَٔادَمُ هَلْ أَدُلُّكَ عَلَىٰ شَجَرَةِ ٱلْخُلْدِ وَمُلْكٍ لَّا يَبْلَىٰ
Then Shaytaan whispered to him, saying: “O Adam! Shall I lead you to the Tree of Eternity and to a kingdom that will never waste away?”
Just because a person gets it doesn’t mean they get you.
You’re not a concept to be explained but a complexity to connect to. And unless the person can spare space for incoming awareness of you, they simply are too full to see you as a whole. And it’s not neither’s fault. You just need to move out of the crowded orbits into the edge of the dark silence. Defy your fear of loneliness and oblivion. Don’t steal connections by luring people in with what’s familiar and favourable to them. It’ll wear out and it’ll wear you out.
As long as you don’t lose sight of yourself you’ll be witnessed and accompanied by God. You don’t need to worry about those sent by God as they’re sent with love and love clears out space within for the ability to connect without.
Don’t be people’s refuge from pain. Don’t be what makes them forget about themselves. Don’t look for a purpose to serve or role to play in other’s lives. Be grounded in whatever soothes your soul regardless of what that does for others.