Abundance lies in the empty spaces that let you relax into them without fear of losing yourself. What worries me about the world is the oversaturation of everything that doesn’t let you pause to catch a breath. There’s no room for tripping, for slowing down. There’s no room for rest. There’s not the kind of trust that lets trees let go of their leaves and birds leave their nests for the winter. What’s the point in consuming summers if we don’t believe there’ll eventually be a spring? There will always be a spring. But who trusts in that long enough to rest?
I realize, society demands a deficiency in me. It demands the presence of a void, it encourages and whets the ego’s appetite so that it could feed it. When you’re not in need you’re made to feel like there’s obviously something wrong with you, that you’re missing out, that your life would be problem-free if you let society indulge you. That the presence of inner turmoil and conflict is a bad thing. That seeing things in a simple way is oversimplifying it. That you have to have every single bit of information and history to know the truth. That the truth is like a needle in a haystack.
So I started deforming myself. I assumed that the truth must be the opposite of what I felt and thought because I’m wrong and deficient by default.
I wish to communicate with my darkness. To bring it into the light without stripping it of its essence. To learn its language and learn to see myself without visible light. To return to the centre that mothered me.
I won’t be discounted from the spaces I’m engaged in. Where my deepest darkness is shunned I won’t let my most magnetic parts of me through.
You will not separate me from me ever again.
Learning to coexist and actually be present and participating in life with others as a highly sensitive introvert is so incredibly difficult. I ended up having a 1.5 hour talk with mum and I legit got dizzy and felt out of breath. It reminded me why I don’t start convos with people because once it derails I don’t know how to back out without seeming insensitive. I just avoid it altogether but that’s not a long-term solution.
I ask Allaah to help me be aligned with my psyche. I absorb and process things at neckbreaking speed and it’s so difficult to understand let alone trying to communicate my limitations and needs to others. I think when I apply my mind to analyzing my intuitive processes, that’s when I short-circuit. It’s too much for my mind. So I surrender it to Allaah while holding space for it and the solution or clarity always trickles through my intuition again. It’s such a reverse and counterintuitive process that it’s taken me long to accept.
Shame tries to kill life in ways death never would. Death honours life and comes in swift. Shame tries to drown life in the diabolical shallows. It disfigures beauty to show you the reflection of the devil.
When we shun the depths of the heart, we may drown in the devil’s language; a darkness made of ends and finality.