Seek harmony

Dare to discover what you contributed to your suffering. It’s difficult because it’d seem like it was all your fault. But it’s actually the opposite. You’re taking back your power by doing what is in your control. You can only be accountable for what you can control. And though your oversight or self-neglect or self-denial or self-hate isn’t grounds for bad things happening to you, it shows you how you took the first jab at yourself. The external situation is just amplifying your self sabotage. And that’s no small matter either. Just because it’s yourself you’re oppressing doesn’t make it any less serious than if someone else did the very thing you’re doing to yourself, or if you did that to someone else.

So be brave and face your wrongs against yourself. It takes courage because you have to revisit what originally made you turn against yourself, and that’s a lot of uncertainty and fear and anger. Don’t settle for pathology. Believe in abundance. Ask Allaah to provide you what you sought in others but weren’t given. Don’t make the cracks you fell through a grave, but make it a rainforest and let the trees you plant carry you to the surface. Leave the rock bottom better than you found it. Do your heart better than what those who let you down did.

Manufacture your own hope. This is a chance for boundless love and imagination, now that you’re not limited to people who don’t see you or refuse to feel you. Good riddance. Now gather yourself back together and ask Allaah to rain down love and abundance on you. And rectify the faulty and toxic mindsets that led you to and left you in a loveless and merciless place.

May you be forgiven for the injustices you inflicted on yourself, and may you be forgiven for being an apathetic bystander as others did you wrong. Aamin.

This girl’s world

No more holding doors open, saving seats, making excuses, extracting truths, filtering out hurt to protect the other, looking to the morrow as a saviour from this day. No more wistful longings for horizons I can never reach, and hoping that the stars can see in me what I can’t. The magic I anticipated was never in creating portals to other realms, to escape this. It was always a power held in my pain to transform this realm, to create a space that I don’t have to fear or explain myself in.


I had to discover my wholeness through the reflection of a broken and fragmented world. I tried breaking myself down to match the shattered pieces around me, but that only wedged a distance of pain between me and the world.I was born whole, but it took me forever to fully come into my own, like bamboo blossom.


Some pains you have to suffer to find release from, even if it’s not fair. The suffering of dejection and defeat is different from that of breaking free; one eats away at your light and slowly kills your soul, the other fuels your light and emboldens your soul with each pang.

When you’re breaking free from a paradigm that has been forced upon you, it’ll be tough and you will often feel it’s pointless. It’s not. If it was pointless or if that’s how your life was meant to be you wouldn’t be restless and have your soul tugged at. The very magnetism that is creating the momentum in you that is stirring things up is the reality aligned with your soul. It’s complete and in existence. You just need to remove everything that you’ve consciously engaged in that goes against you.

Know that everything that Allaah intended feels harmonious. If something feels off, it’s not because the dunya wasn’t meant to be blissful anyway. There’s something untrue that you’re shoving down your soul. You’re not living truthfully.

The struggle and density that you’re feeling as you’re breaking free is not from the change, but it’s the expulsion of the falsehoods you ingested and willfully housed in yourself. Karmic fines have to be settled before you can have your divinely issued reality restored.

Existential fulfillment

I finally clocked what success means to me in regards to what I want to do in life : that my work be emotionally cathartic and healing for those it’s meant to reach and that it becomes a lasting source of clarity and stability.

I’ve spent years and years trying to figure out what this feeling of success I had in my soul was…Turns out it’s emotional fulfillment…

I decided to forego university, marriage, jobs because there was something specific my soul was vying for but I had to discover what it was by eliminating everything it wasn’t.

And so, after 12 years, a year left of my 20s,I come full circle.. Alxamdulillah. I’ve sacrificed and suffered a lot for a spiritual El Dorado. Every single thing I’ve learnt has been initiated by intuitive downloads or suffering.. It’s never been straightforward and it’s involved long, long periods of solitude. I think I’ve been alone more than I’ve been around people in these 12 years. I didn’t choose this, trust me. I’ve tried exiting many times, only to be met by worse fates outside this path Allaah has selected for me.

The path I’ve walked manifested from my heart. It didn’t exist before. So on top of being a lone wolf with no support system, I had to go up against my ruthlessly critical mind which is a scanner for inconsistencies and fallacies. Test, upon test upon test. I never thought I’d reach the other side. Ever. The only reason why I kept going is because it was the only alternative to suicide and because of my intuition. It was all based on faith, because I felt Allaah was sending me in a direction that I had no clue what it was or why I was meant to go there. Many a times it was a dead-end, because it was never about the destination but how a certain journey would shape me. It took me many years to figure that out! I’ve never been able to plan longterm. Everything is moment to moment..

Collective suffering

I was listening to a talk by sh Hamza Yusuf, on the meaning of life. I found myself in an exceptionally empty space tonight, a space that I’ve never before managed to just be in. A space that was filled with darkness – because I’d run away with my light, I assume. It feels like g-force is acting on that space, presumably from the absence of the soul in that place? Anyway, somehow I survived being there. Just lying in bed, feeling suspended between worlds. I can’t even explain it. I kept making ducaa and I realized that my years of dissociating from this place meant that I dissociated from Allaah, while remaining in the space I thought to escape. But then I’d constantly meet it again and again in different situations and places and people. The mind is such a peculiar place. But I digress.

So he was talking about meaning and how the very first thing that Adam calayhisallaam was taught was the name of things – their meaning. And I was like, ooooh! I had never considered it before you see. The thing with meaning is that it’s a combination of inner and outer reality through symbolism. And symbolism is a fractal, and information cascades outwardly, and not linearly. Meaning, no pun intended, that one meaning usually leads to a network of meanings. It’s like adjacent possible.

And he then mentions the hadeeth, the beauty of one’s Islaam is to not concern oneself with what holds no meaning for one. And he used gossip as example, and I immediately thought : tmz! And then : information apocalypse!

That’s why we are so overwhelmed with all the access to knowledge. It’s not really the knowledge but that it’s not connected in a meaningful way. Meaning is the inherent order to things. It’s what leads us to discover things by deduction or adjacent possible or intuition. There’s a system to all information in the universe.

The internet is a dumpster, a chaotic place where algorithm and clickbait decides things instead of critical thinking or values. It’s why no one gets why certain things go viral and others don’t. Why you can have someone like Logan Paul with millions of subscribers and followers – and for what? We’re disintegrating as a civilization because of loss of meaning. Hedonism is meaningless enjoyment. I don’t think there’s a greater suffering than meaninglessness, and this is why I’d often object to people using “third world countries” and “first world problems” as some scale for gratitude and measuring the level of pity someone deserves. One can endure the worst of conditions if they have meaning, which many of the nations and people pitied have.

Collectivist cultures are literally built on meaning and tradition and connection. Not that I’m idealizing it, because that kind of culture goes easily to the other extreme of erasing individual expression. But in the context of poverty, we in the West view their plight through our lens of hedonism ; convenience is the only thing that makes life bearable. Imagine if we had to deal with water shortages or walking miles and miles to school – with our current outlook on life. It’d kill us worse than the bubonic plague I tell you. How many people do you know who are barely hanging by a thread, just going through the motions because they have bills to pay and a 9-5 job? Imagine those people being made redundant and then evicted?

I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming years, but I know we’ve crossed some threshold that there’s no coming back from. The grace in this is that with more chaos, there’s more room for creating order. And that’s why I always advice people to not be sucked into the chaos. Find and create meaning. That’s the only way to fix this mess. By transmuting it into the meaning that Allaah intended these trials to bring out.

Delicate Reputation

Either you’re willing to understand me or you’re not willing to understand me; if you’re not willing to understand me then I will not waste my time easing your resistance. If you are willing to understand me, then I will focus on what’s real with no regards to whether I’m right or not. Your willingness to understand me gives me an opportunity to grow. That’s all I’m focused on right now ; people concerned with what’s real and not with who’s right.

I don’t want to be right. Being right is missing out on the bigger picture by reducing the truth to words and instances. I want to feel what’s real, and my perception of how I come across is my biggest hinder because it’s an inability for my ego to submit to my soul. Insisting on being right means someone else has to be wrong and I’m not going to waste my life peddling the extremes and measuring the distance from the ideal. I’m on a soul journey to unravel what Allaah has created and intended for me. I’m inherently clueless and powerless and helpless, except by Allaah’s aid.

My view of myself and my status quo can be summed up by the invocation :

لا حول و لا قوة إلا بالله

{Laa Hawla wa Laa Quwwata illaa Bi-llaah}

حول means transformation, movement, evolution, change

قوة means strength, power

Hawl= internal dynamism

Quwwa= external potency


There’s no transformation that can be made nor exertion of (effective) force (upon something) without the energy and power of Allaah.

I’d rather surrender to Allaah and His will than try to resist life.

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