summation

Our future comes from the past and the end is contained in the beginning. And so, life is but the unravelling of a stillness. Life began with a sharp inhalation before the sentence was read, and it ended in a soft sigh. One’s life work can only be read in the darkness of the grave.

Free thy will

Enduring the tension of the paradox is the conductor of the transcendence to Jannah

Life consists of dualities that seemingly clash, a tug-of-war that we’re made to be suspended in the midst of by Divine decree. Giving in to either opposite dissipates the tension, but so does the self transcendence needed to purify one’s heart before the time is up.

حُفَّتِ الْجَنَّةُ بِالْمَكَارِهِ وَحُفَّتِ النَّارُ بِالشَّهَوَاتِ

“Jannah is surrounded by hardships and the Hell-Fire is surrounded by desires.”

[Muslim]

The ability to hold space for the opposites is what transforms conflict into faith. A paradox is a symbiosis through which our free will is nurtured by making the decision to endure the tension of being open to the truth, instead of collapsing into the mindless pull of unconscious forces.

About one of the fundamental rites in Islaam, the udxiya after Hajj that commemorates the symbolic sacrifice prophet Ibraahiim calayhissalaam made of his son:

لَن يَنَالَ اللَّهَ لُحُومُهَا وَلَا دِمَاؤُهَا وَلَٰكِن يَنَالُهُ التَّقْوَىٰ مِنكُمْ

{Their meat will not reach Allah, nor will their blood, but rather what reaches Him is piety from you.}

(Al-Hajj 22:37)

This to reiterate the meaning behind the original call for sacrifice being the detachment of what we love from our egos. Detachment doesn’t entail playing it cool or being indifferent, but it’s to leave controlling the outcomes or the desire to not lose it to Allaah. Thus, it’s a reminder that the heart must remain unblocked if one’s actions are to be of spiritual benefit.

If we say that all sincere action must stem from the action of the heart, then our only power is to either receive the impulses that are divinely inspired or to resist them. And if this may seem overly simplistic it’s only because the most difficult tasks in life are plain and simple in nature.


وَ اتْلُ عَلَيْهِمْ نَبَأَ الَّذي آتَيْناهُ آياتِنا فَانْسَلَخَ مِنْها فَأَتْبَعَهُ الشَّيْطانُ فَکانَ مِنَ الْغاوينَ

{And recite to them the story of him to whom We gave Our Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.), but he threw them away, so Shaitaan followed him up, and he became of those who went astray.}

(Al-A’raf 7:175)

وَ لَوْ شِئْنا لَرَفَعْناهُ بِها وَ لکِنَّهُ أَخْلَدَ إِلَي الْأَرْضِ وَ اتَّبَعَ هَواهُ فَمَثَلُهُ کَمَثَلِ الْکَلْبِ إِنْ تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْهِ يَلْهَثْ أَوْ تَتْرُکْهُ يَلْهَثْ ذلِکَ مَثَلُ الْقَوْمِ الَّذينَ کَذَّبُوا بِآياتِنا فَاقْصُصِ الْقَصَصَ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَفَکَّرُونَ

{And had We willed, We would surely have elevated him therewith but he clung to the earth and followed his own vain desire. So his description is the description of a dog: if you drive him away, he lolls his tongue out, or if you leave him alone, he (still) lolls his tongue out. Such is the description of the people who reject Our Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.). So relate the stories, perhaps they may reflect.}

(Al-A’raf 7:176)


Allaah nudged this man towards a portal of enlightenment and all he had to do was to move towards it by being receptive to what his heart is guided to. But that was a too steep a price to pay and so difficult was it to endure the cognitive dissonance that he preferred to repress parts of himself in order to remain in his comfort zone. So he chose to forego transcendence in order to remain in the womb of unconsciousness. And it is through this self-inflicted blindspot that shaytaan has influence. The only realm of influence, may I add.


Allaah continues on by explaining the dire consequences of rejecting enlightenment :

ساءَ مَثَلاً الْقَوْمُ الَّذينَ کَذَّبُوا بِآياتِنا وَ أَنْفُسَهُمْ کانُوا يَظْلِمُونَ

{Evil is the likeness of the people who reject Our Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses and signs, etc.), and used to wrong their ownselves.}

(Al-A’raf 7:177)

مَنْ يَهْدِ اللَّهُ فَهُوَ الْمُهْتَدي وَ مَنْ يُضْلِلْ فَأُولئِك هُمُ الْخاسِرُونَ

{Whomsoever Allaah guides, he is the guided one, and whomsoever He sends astray, those! They are the losers.}

(Al-A’raf 7:178)

وَ لَقَدْ ذَرَأْنا لِجَهَنَّمَ کَثيراً مِنَ الْجِنِّ وَ الْإِنْسِ لَهُمْ قُلُوبٌ لا يَفْقَهُونَ بِها وَ لَهُمْ أَعْيُنٌ لا يُبْصِرُونَ بِها وَ لَهُمْ آذانٌ لا يَسْمَعُونَ بِها أُولئِکَ کَالْأَنْعامِ بَلْ هُمْ أَضَلُّ أُولئِکَ هُمُ الْغافِلُونَ

{And surely, We have created many of the jinns and mankind for Hell. They have hearts wherewith they understand not, they have eyes wherewith they see not, and they have ears wherewith they hear not (the truth). They are like cattle, nay even more astray; those! They are the heedless ones.}

(Al-A’raf 7:179)


What is the difference between a sin and evil? How impervious the heart is to its consequences. To feel the brunt of one’s actions is to assume responsibility for the only thing one has control over : perception. But to perceive reality correctly is to relinquish control, and that’s an illusion that seduced Adam in the garden with the forbidden tree that promised immortality and power. Allaah has put in place all the devices and stacked the odds in our favour to receive the guidance when it comes, and it’s only the most crude of hearts that still falls to the pull of base desires when transcending oneself is where ultimate meaning lies. When Allaah says that He sends them astray, it’s not because He forcibly blinds them but despite their resistance He does have the power to turn them around, but He wills not to. Because free will is something He decided to give us and He won’t transgress that by forcing something that we haven’t come to. Insight only comes when we receive it.

And those impervious to growth, of course they are worse than animals! Because animals don’t possess the faculty of free will and perception. All they have is instinct and their impulse and actions are congruent. You won’t find an animal defying its impulse.


So what to do when you want to transcend but you doubt yourself and leaving the herd seems too scary?

وَ لِلَّهِ الْأَسْماءُ الْحُسْني‏ فَادْعُوهُ بِها وَ ذَرُوا الَّذينَ يُلْحِدُونَ في‏ أَسْمائِهِ سَيُجْزَوْنَ ما کانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ

{And (all) the Most Beautiful Names belong to Allaah, so call on Him by them, and leave the company of those who belie or deny (or utter impious speech against) His Names. They will be requited for what they used to do.}

(Al-A’raf 7:180)


Having integrity extends beyond just what you espouse ; you also have to be cognizant of whether your company is congruent with who you are. And if not, why do you hang out with people who’d choose their egos over the truth? You do know that when push comes to shove, they’ll throw you under the bus to save themselves?


وَ مِمَّنْ خَلَقْنا أُمَّةٌ يَهْدُونَ بِالْحَقِّ وَ بِهِ يَعْدِلُونَ

{And of those whom We have created, there is a community who guides (others) with the truth, and establishes justice therewith.}

(Al-A’raf 7:181)


No one is an island. No matter how ‘woke’ and independent you are, you are in need of a community that would support you in your quest and bring out the best in you.


وَ الَّذينَ کَذَّبُوا بِآياتِنا سَنَسْتَدْرِجُهُمْ مِنْ حَيْثُ لا يَعْلَمُونَ

{Those who reject Our Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.), We shall gradually seize them with punishment in ways they perceive not.}

(Al-A’raf 7:182)


The blind and detached choices that are only motivated extrinsically and for what serves the ego, IS the punishment. Not being able to gauge life properly gives rise to meaninglessness. And there’s nothing worse than meaninglessness.


A million years ago

My truth is all I own in this world, please understand that.
It’s the only space in this world that no one can oust me from
it’s the only thing that nourishes my soul
And it’s the only thing that I’ll take with me to my grave

I’ve found that anything I add to my truth, detracts from my essence
So I travel light, in preparation for my next call to adventure
My soul inherited the somali nomadic proclivities that my homebody and introverted self vehemently rejects
My mind is always wandering, my heart wondering

I really hate travelling, I do. I hate change because every day I awake to new truths that I have to try on outside my comfort zone
So it’s a counterbalance I guess
The worst part about being a nomadic soul is that no one can accompany you.
Most people would never see what I see, nor could I explain to them in an inviting way because it’s an experiential knowledge

I’ve always been afraid of that, since I was 4. I sensed this immense inner universe that would force me to part from others and I spent half of my life blinding and numbing myself to it because it’s the scariest shit ever. What if I get lost and never come back? Or worse yet, what if I come back and I’m no longer welcome?

But like a nomad, my soul’s survival depended on me moving and everytime I would move to new truths, I had to die to everything I had until that moment
I always have to move from a zero point field
A place where all the lessons are absorbed, obstacles dissolved, incongruencies resolved

When I write, it’s never to make others,you, understand because I can hardly understand it myself. But my writings are landmarks and souvenirs I leave behind to remember the vast truths I’ve traversed and to honour everything I’ve sacrificed, suffered, sought.

Writing is a séance I perform to channel the ghosts of everything I’ve been
Writing is a balm for me, a soul no one understands, a sensitive soul that needs to know that there’s something bigger in me than my fears and doubts
No one else can do that for me
Writing is my Nightingale
My dream catcher
Nightmare comforter

The map of my soul is only intelligible to the naked eye seeking to be whole.

Zero point vibe

I recorded my life on my bare truth
I know that every emotion that stirs me to rise to an occasion will eventually take me all the way back to whence I began: my soul
I know that impure intentions laced with fear or lack always lead to being entangled in the spider’s web
I know cobwebs like the back of my hand
It’s taken over a decade, but I’ve reclaimed my power and cleansed all my corrupted files
So I know that the root of every thought and feeling and opinion will lead me deeper into my own core, enriching me because I’m not being consumed by others as a way to pay for the power I had outsourced

I own the masters of the music of my soul

Antemortem sonata

Self-love is what heals you on this journey
It’s what defies all odds
It’s what invites hope
It’s what transmutes the negativity in the world
It’s what maintains inner balance
It’s the space you retreat to from the hustle and bustle of the world
It’s what nurtures you in the void
It’s what guides your growth, ever so gently

It’s what sharpens the sword of your truth
It’s what polishes your heart, so abandoned
It’s what reminds you of why you’re toiling on this journey when you’re on the cusp of giving up
It’s your inherent worth, reimbursed for your journey to actualizing the self
It’s the blood that carries the nutrients and removes the toxins from your being

And just like the cardiovascular system is intricately irreplaceable, nothing can be done for the one who trashes their internal system for painful blood transfusions on the weekly.

All your energy goes towards making it to the blood transfusion , and one of these days you’ll die on your way there. Ya squandered a life because of lies you thought you were too insignificant to challenge.

×

Aight, keep playing yourself like a violin and see if anyone will hear your despondent symphonies while you await burial .

Equinox

There’s something deeply fulfilling in being able to sit in the twilight of my soul where the extremes of emotions meet, where what was once a cause of civil war becomes a peaceful vigil.

I feel like I’ve come full circle within me. I no longer run away from my darkness, seeking to chase the dawn because the darkness is not my enemy anymore. Just because I can’t control it doesn’t mean it’s nefarious. It’s in the realm of uncertainty and the unknown that the divine works. A divine I’ve been travelling towards for 5 years, meticulously restoring the templates distorted by my parents. I think kids see their parents as divine entities and if that perception isn’t challenged in adulthood it comes to represent God and the unknown.

I hold conversations with Allaah whenever I’m faced with the surge of something new within me, and instead of scrambling for defense, I can let go.
It’s allowed deeper parts of me to seep into my consciousness and come to light because I know that above all fear is Allaah. Beyond my control is Allaah.
I no longer am negotiating with my fears. I’m free because I’ve finally learnt to trust the One who created life and death, destruction and inspiration, darkness and light. It’s by His balance that all things are eternally in order. The unknown isn’t an empty void I have to be the guardian of in order to ensure the safety of the world. The unknown is a place of comfort where my hopes lie nestled when brutalized by a shallow world.

I’ve started to understand myself instead of listening for mistakes. I’ve started to study the shadow that I cast, and it’s no longer a lifeless silhouette. It represents my sleeping potential.  Instead of viewing myself through the judging perspective of the outside world and measuring myself by outcome, I see myself as an expression of a sovereign being. My soul is not defined by right or wrong, just like there is no right way for bees to buzz or an ideal height of the oak tree. Nature just is. And the mind has no jurisdiction in trying to cut it down to fit in with a preset model of what should be.

The mind’s role is to be a keen observer of what the soul unfolds, not its dictator. And in finding my ties to the divine, I’ve overthrown that brutal regime.

Now all there is is an open field of potentiality and love and my work in creating meaning from what arises has just begun.

divine timing

I honour…

The steps I began to take on a path that I didn’t continue on
The hope I had in what never came to be
The love I poured in those who betrayed me
The seeds I planted that never bore fruit
The words stirred in my heart that never dared leave my lips
The sentences I started writing but never finished
The fleeting happiness carried by my smile which never quite reached my eyes
The dreams I thought would lead me home
The people I thought would make me whole
The truths that left a gaping hole
making it painfully obvious how empty my heart had become
The connections I had to disrupt to continue on my journey
The convictions that turned out to be illusions
The havens that turned out to be mirages

Inevitably, I learnt my truth through either elimination or illumination. In that regard, my darkness has helped me just as much as the light because I’m neither the dark or the light, but the interplay of the two. I’m the lone tree in the meadow that sees the light of day and is seized by the cover of the night, and yet it always shows up for the dawn of a new day.

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