There’s something deeply fulfilling in being able to sit in the twilight of my soul where the extremes of emotions meet, where what was once a cause of civil war becomes a peaceful vigil.

I feel like I’ve come full circle within me. I no longer run away from my darkness, seeking to chase the dawn because the darkness is not my enemy anymore. Just because I can’t control it doesn’t mean it’s nefarious. It’s in the realm of uncertainty and the unknown that the divine works. A divine I’ve been travelling towards for 5 years, meticulously restoring the templates distorted by my parents. I think kids see their parents as divine entities and if that perception isn’t challenged in adulthood it comes to represent God and the unknown.

I hold conversations with Allaah whenever I’m faced with the surge of something new within me, and instead of scrambling for defense, I can let go.
It’s allowed deeper parts of me to seep into my consciousness and come to light because I know that above all fear is Allaah. Beyond my control is Allaah.
I no longer am negotiating with my fears. I’m free because I’ve finally learnt to trust the One who created life and death, destruction and inspiration, darkness and light. It’s by His balance that all things are eternally in order. The unknown isn’t an empty void I have to be the guardian of in order to ensure the safety of the world. The unknown is a place of comfort where my hopes lie nestled when brutalized by a shallow world.

I’ve started to understand myself instead of listening for mistakes. I’ve started to study the shadow that I cast, and it’s no longer a lifeless silhouette. It represents my sleeping potential.  Instead of viewing myself through the judging perspective of the outside world and measuring myself by outcome, I see myself as an expression of a sovereign being. My soul is not defined by right or wrong, just like there is no right way for bees to buzz or an ideal height of the oak tree. Nature just is. And the mind has no jurisdiction in trying to cut it down to fit in with a preset model of what should be.

The mind’s role is to be a keen observer of what the soul unfolds, not its dictator. And in finding my ties to the divine, I’ve overthrown that brutal regime.

Now all there is is an open field of potentiality and love and my work in creating meaning from what arises has just begun.

divine timing

I honour…

The steps I began to take on a path that I didn’t continue on
The hope I had in what never came to be
The love I poured in those who betrayed me
The seeds I planted that never bore fruit
The words stirred in my heart that never dared leave my lips
The sentences I started writing but never finished
The fleeting happiness carried by my smile which never quite reached my eyes
The dreams I thought would lead me home
The people I thought would make me whole
The truths that left a gaping hole
making it painfully obvious how empty my heart had become
The connections I had to disrupt to continue on my journey
The convictions that turned out to be illusions
The havens that turned out to be mirages

Inevitably, I learnt my truth through either elimination or illumination. In that regard, my darkness has helped me just as much as the light because I’m neither the dark or the light, but the interplay of the two. I’m the lone tree in the meadow that sees the light of day and is seized by the cover of the night, and yet it always shows up for the dawn of a new day.

Magnum opus

There’s a poignancy in accepting yourself fully. It’s cutting off the flow of everything you could be, all the places you could escape yourself to. It’s like being given full access to a bank but deciding to only take what you can carry. I mean, that’s the sensible thing but still there’s this feeling that burrows into you, filling you with desire and longing whenever you’re called back to earth by your limitations. It’s like, “dammit if I wasn’t so human, I wouldn’t have to suffer or sulk”

But I guess that’s why we didn’t choose the soul and place and body we were born into. We were born into boundaries, and thank goodness for that! I think trying to fiddle with the necessary perimeters of one’s reality diverts one from taking on the mammoth task of finding the gems in the mud and transmuting oneself and external events with one’s innate philosopher’s stone.

We often waste effort in procuring on the outside what can only be created on the inside through the alchemical properties of the soul. This often requires seeing beyond what is, listening to the silence, seeing the forest. In a time of oversaturation of inconsequential trivias and mindless consumerism, this bodes ill for the soul and the global flow of energy that would stagnate if not processed and transmuted. The energy that gives rise to hatred and violence.

It’s paradoxical ; that accepting one’s limitations grants one access to boundless abundance. But perhaps it’s that space of paradoxes where magic happens. The same spaces we’re fervently trying to erase in this era of globalism and having to deal with the pooling of cultural and political ideologies. Everyone is fighting to retain their individuality by resisting the alchemy that is necessitated by the confusion in order to evolve, because we fear erasure. But perhaps we need to annihilate what is susceptible to erasure , so as to clear the way for the emergence of truer forms.

Between opposites everything is destroyed but the truth. This is the age where we either align with the truth within all of us, or get destroyed by our unwillingness to transcend the battlefield.

let winter come

I was not created to play small
Towering waves sweep me in from the shore I cling to

because Allaah did not create me to play it safe

The cosmos knows my hiding place and it won’t leave me alone
I’m pulled under and I panic
I’m drowning
But no, I discover that I can breathe underwater because

I was not created to be defeated

I take to the mountains for refuge, only to be thrown off the cliff
And I panic because I’m hurtling towards the destruction I escaped from
But no, I discover that I can fly because

I was not created to escape

Duality is dying in me, as unity is born
My illusions die and it feels like real death
But the light I walk towards isn’t the afterlife
It’s my rebirth into my real life
My soul is awaiting me on the other side
My ego has been good to me, protecting me like a placenta
Allowing me to grow immune to the harsh blows of this toxic world
For that I’m grateful
I’ve learnt my lessons, balanced the energies, healed the wounds, gotten over myself

My soul is indestructible and this body is temporary anyway, so what can this world take away from me?

I’m the container of all that arises in me and flows through me. I’m the roots to my being.

A pier is not a home

I was waiting for the storm to cease before I take to the shore and build myself a home.
But it’s been many years now and I’m starting to realize that if I don’t assert my existence as being other than an interlude in between the storms, I’ll be claimed as the audience of a show I did not agree to

My silence doesn’t mean da capo
But then again, my silence doesn’t mean anything because I let suffering grow like weeds on the abandoned shore. In my desire to escape the turbulence, I slipped into the ocean, like driftwood.

Seasick, shivering, sleepless. Perhaps making my way to the shore is worth the risk

Coordinations of my intuition

Let the depths of hell open up in me
And I’ll burn in love
I’ll no longer make room for doubt but my heart’s wisdom
The truth always takes me too far
But as long as I keep an ear to the rushing sound of my feelings

like a seashell,

I’ll always find home right where I am
Because everywhere I am, I belong


That’s the thing about going over the edge, expecting to be crushed : your limitations get annihilated mid-air, and you land in a new dimension where things bend to your molding. What can flames do to me when I readily put my truth to the test? Answer : everything meant to harm me helps me get clear about what I am.

For that I’m ever grateful to Allaah, for not having left me in a pool of suffering. He taught me how He generates possibilities by the removal of insurmountable impasses I’ve experienced, and how He converts difficulties and suffering to the most valuable experiences.

I was stopped and destroyed by everything on this planet. Fought tooth and nail to keep my individualism and idealism – however starry-eyed it may be perceived – afloat and I died hundreds of times. I died when my attempts at recreating an image that wasn’t my truth kept failing. I died in my parents eyes when my smarts didn’t culminate in much. I died when everything I used to navigate this world dissipated, slowly but surely. I died until I realized that the parts of me that were dying were the parts preventing me from living, fully.

That’s where I get my unstoppable attitude from, because I draw my inspiration and strength from a place alien to this world, and that’s where I get my courage from. There’s something about facing death and existential destruction that makes fears inconsequential.

قَالَ أَفَتَعْبُدُونَ مِنْ دُونِ اللَّهِ مَا لَا يَنْفَعُكُمْ شَيْئًا وَلَا يَضُرُّكُمْ

Ibraahim said: “Do you then worship besides Allaah, things that can neither profit you, nor harm you?” 

أُفٍّ لَكُمْ وَلِمَا تَعْبُدُونَ مِنْ دُونِ اللَّهِ أَفَلَا تَعْقِلُونَ

” Fie upon you, and upon that which you worship besides Allaah! Have you then no sense?” 

قَالُوا حَرِّقُوهُ وَانْصُرُوا آَلِهَتَكُمْ إِنْ كُنْتُمْ فَاعِلِينَ

They said: “Burn him and help your aaliha (gods), if you will be doing.”

قُلْنَا يَا نَارُ كُونِي بَرْدًا وَسَلَامًا عَلَى إِبْرَاهِيمَ

We (Allaah) said: “O fire! Be you coolness and safety for Ibraahim !”

وَأَرَادُوا بِهِ كَيْدًا فَجَعَلْنَاهُمُ الْأَخْسَرِينَ

And they wanted to harm him, but We made them the worst losers.

وَنَجَّيْنَاهُ وَلُوطًا إِلَى الْأَرْضِ الَّتِي بَارَكْنَا فِيهَا لِلْعَالَمِينَ

And We rescued him and Lout  to the land which We have blessed for the ‘Alameen (mankind and jinns).

وَوَهَبْنَا لَهُ إِسْحَاقَ وَيَعْقُوبَ نَافِلَةً وَكُلًّا جَعَلْنَا صَالِحِينَ

And We bestowed upon him Ishaaq , and (a grandson) Ya’qoob . Each one We made righteous. 

وَجَعَلْنَاهُمْ أَئِمَّةً يَهْدُونَ بِأَمْرِنَا وَأَوْحَيْنَا إِلَيْهِمْ فِعْلَ الْخَيْرَاتِ وَإِقَامَ الصَّلَاةِ وَإِيتَاءَ الزَّكَاةِ وَكَانُوا لَنَا عَابِدِينَ

And We made them leaders, guiding (mankind) by Our Command, and We inspired in them the doing of good deeds, performing Salaat , and the giving of Zakaat and of Us (Alone) they were worshippers.

Al-Anbiya [21:66-72] 

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